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Hi @emma-starr,

So glad to hear that our feedback has been helpful to you! Can’t wait to see the next draft of this poem. And here’s the poem you asked for. Like I said earlier, Story Embers turned it down mostly because it wasn’t embellished enough, but I really didn’t want this one to be overly embellished. I liked the straightforward language of the poem because it sounded like how a kid would retell the story. I’d love to hear your thoughts about it:

 

November

One day, I want to say it was November,

My friends and I played a game

Of hide and seek in the city park

And I’m pretty sure Billy was it.

I found a leaf pile far from the slides

And swingsets and burrowed in

Until all was brown and gray

And smelled like ladybugs and corn dust.

I heard Billy yell, “Ready or not, here I come!”

All muffled in the distance. I held my breath

As long as I could and waited

For him to come find me.

Between crinkles and silence,

I heard Billy shout, “I got you, Milly!”

“No fair! I was first last time,” She whined,

And one by one, he found all my friends,

But not me. I waited and waited

And waited, but nobody found me.

They called out for me and said they gave up,

And Milly even said she was worried about me,

But nobody found me. I’d finally won

And everybody knew it. It felt so good,

I just stayed down in the itchy, warm leaves,

And I guess I must’ve fallen asleep

Because when I popped my head out and shouted,

“I win!” to no one but the night sky

And the lonely lamp posts, the only trace of my friends

I could find was the emptiness around my bike.