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@jennythefaun

That was amazing!!! Well done. You have beautiful prose and foreshadowing. And you used my disappearing woman! 🙂

The only thing I would do is give Noss a little more initiative. For the most part, I felt like he was merely watching and commenting on the events, instead of actively trying to find the truth out.

The easiest fix is to let him react a bit more to the news. I don’t get any details on what Noss thinks when the detective admits his part in the whole ordeal, only narraration one what happens. There are a few similar parts too, but that was the only one that felt jarring.

A harder (and perhaps impossible) fix would be letting Noss uncover the truth before the big reveal at the end. That would make him a less passive and more active actor in the whole ordeal.

That was the only thing I had issue with. If you could give Noss more initiative and reaction, I think this would be super solid.

Ahhhhhh! Both of these stories are so good! I wouldn’t mind if yours ends up being the one we use one bit. Love, love, love the sci-fi element. 🙂