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Guys, so here’s an idea

try to explain an emotion without saying the word

I’ll go first

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My chest tightened, cutting off the air supply to my lungs. Tears threatened to glaze over my eyesight and my throat closed.

My mom called my name over the phone, but I could barely hear her, “I don’t think I can do this,” my voice was strangled as I looked at the screen. There was just so…much. I hadn’t done it when I was supposed to and now failing and threatening the rest of my life was weighing on my chest like someone had shoved me under a falling slab of concrete.

My chest jerked and I got some oxygen into my system, but the carbon dioxide coming out of my lungs escaped in a small sob. Tears were running freely down my face now and I was suddenly experiencing the opposite affect of lack of oxygen. I was breathing too quickly now, big lungfuls of air that did not seem to help my churning stomach.

Mom was trying to talk me down from the other side of the phone, but I just gripped the new kitchen counter hard, trying to make out words, “No, no mom. You don’t need to come home. I’m fine, just…”

Just…

She spoke to me for a few more minutes, but my hearing had gone fuzzy. The screen of my phone was slipping on my face because it was wet from tears and, as she started to hang up, my knees gave out and I slid down the cabinets and to the hardwood floor. Dropping my phone, I hugged my knees and let out a small whimper, feeling as if my life was slipping away from me because I had made a wrong choice, stepped into something too quickly.

my helplessness manifested into something else, it wasn’t rage, but it was something akin to it. my brain was stirring too quickly and I was back to breathing too much. I kicked the leg of the island in front of me, screaming at the top of my lungs. But that didn’t help. I knocked my head violently with my fists a few times like I always did when I was being stupid and had to punish myself.

But my breathing was still too quick and my mind was still reeling through what ifs.