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Aaagh, okay, honestly that’s something I struggle with SO much. Like, knowing the difference between what God is telling me, and what I think/want/or don’t want God to be telling me. Idk if that’s what you’re saying, but if it is I can relate.
Something that helps me when I’m in crisis mode trying to figure out what on earth God is actually telling me is that A. If it doesn’t line up with scripture, it ain’t God. B. If God really wants you to know something, he knows how to get through to you in a way that you’ll understand him?? If you keep asking God to reveal himself, he doesn’t delight in confusing us.

As for getting angry at God, I think if you’re honest with God about your feelings, and you ask him to help you not be angry, he’ll probably do that? God answers prayers that glorify him.

Another thing, you didn’t flat out say you’re feeling condemnation from God, but that’s the impression I get? I struggled with this so, so much. It started getting better when I would recite Romans 8:8 (I didn’t necessarily recite it the way it’s written, but just saying the words of what they mean to myself?)

“There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit”

As a new creation in Christ, there is no condemnation. There are promptings from the Holy Spirit when we do wrong, but it’s done in love because God doesn’t want us to fail. If the Holy Spirit is talking to you then repent, and you’re forgiven and made new again. If it’s not the Holy Spirit, then it’s probably condemnation. AND THAT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT FROM GOD.

And like, when you read your bible, I think that’s kind of the point?? To show us what failures we are without God? We need to cling to God as he is sanctifying us. The moment we think we’re good people is the moment we think we don’t need God. Maybe instead of feeling attacked, thank God for saving you from your sin, and ask him to keep changing your heart and making you more like Jesus?

As for the flop between self-hate or pride, ouch, yeah.
I feel like that’s one of the hardest things for me too. I think maybe for myself at least, though, even the self-hate is actually coming from pride? Me not giving myself grace, or being discontent with how God made me, or with where I am spiritually/ emotionally/ maturially etc etc.
God has us right where he wants us unless he doesn’t because we’re rebelling against his plan. But if you’re on board with God’s plan, then this is where he wants you to be right now. Otherwise, he’d change you.

… I kinda just scratched the surface here, so if you want clarification on anything please ask?

@h-jones