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@sarah-inkdragon

in answer to your questions:

-I love the flow of your story.  the way you arranged the paragraph and sentence lengths kept your prose from getting bogged down and clunky.  it flowed smoothly and I thought that Kirin’s thoughts fit nicely in.

there’s two areas where I was confused: when he goes from the arena into the barracks it took me a few paragraphs to realize he wasn’t in the arena anymore.  it was a rather shaky transition.

That was what the whole day had been for. A tournament, yes. A tournament to determine a team that would go down in legend—as those who killed a demon.

also this paragraph was slightly confusing too because you mix your tenses and I wasn’t at first sure if the team already existed and had killed the demon or if the team hadn’t been formed and had yet to kill a demon.

-I think your prose is beautiful!  as I said above the structure of your chapter is sharp and snappy.  however it is also fast paced which can lend itself to being dry and lacking in description.  I don’t think you need to describe everything because that would be too much xD however adding description and senses (i.e. smell, taste, hearing) can make the reader have more stake in the story and connect more with the character.  🙂  it adds the muscle, tissue and blood vessels to your skeleton (a.k.a the draft).

-Kirin is great!  I like how to outlined his struggles without going into too much detail since it’s only the beginning.  😀  with that said I also found him a bit dry which I think is because there aren’t many sensory details.  but as you said it’s a first draft so I think that it’s solid for being that.  🙂

other thoughts:

Kirin sighed, and carefully tugged the jacket back on, carefully avoiding looking at his arms.

you have carefully twice in one sentence and I’m not sure if you purposely put it there; it reads repetitive.

closing thoughts: I think that you have very solid first draft and you’ve caught my interest for more of Kirin’s story.  🙂

-Lydia