Activity

First, let me tell you what my goal is not right now: my goal is not to tear your work apart. There are parts that choked me up a bit, and I don’t think the ending is too sudden at all! Here is my goal: I want to explain how I feel as a reader. Please don’t be offended.

I think the thing that’s throwing me off a little is that I feel like everything is being spelled out for me because it’s being spelled out for the character. On one hand, that’s a useful thing. On the other, I think this might be a section that could be summarized:

 

“Is it fair to say you have done wrong of your own volition?”

“No, my lord. It was on the order of another.”

“I see.

“But I could have fought against it,” I quickly amended.

“If you had, would they have found another to take your place?”

My shoulders dropped. “Most likely.”

“Then the ones who own the guilt are the ones who ordered you. The responsibility lies with them. Now, for your own guilty consciousness, the one you desire forgiveness from is yourself.”

“My lord-”

“If you had wronged another, I would have advised you to go to that person for forgiveness, but as it is, you were merely the tool of evil men. Men who used you and took advantage of you. Am I wrong?”

My head touched the ground. “No, my lord.”

“Then let this be a mends to this,” he stated. “I offer again the position of court physician, doctor Aefflaed. Accept, and I shall take full responsibility for you. I will attest to your character and be your advocate. As my direct subordinate, I shall subsume all of your guilt until that time in which you are able to forgive yourself. Is that acceptable?”

Tears flowed down. Was he really suggesting what I thought? Was he taking responsibility for all my past ill deeds? “My lord, I can’t let you-”

“You would deign restrict me?” his voice rose in warning.

“No, my lord. It’s just-”

“This is my choice to give, dear Aefflaed,” his voice was firm and unmoving. “Your choice is not to decide for me, but for yourself. Will you accept my offered gift, or refuse? That is the choice before you. None other.”

To be under the king’s authority, as Hanniumm was… It wasn’t so much a question of whether or not I trusted the king, but more of whether I deserved such honor.

I wanted to laugh at the irony. The king had already answered that for me. His own words to Hanniumm bounded across my memory. “I shall be the judge of who is worthy of me, not you.” I was sure he would say much the same thing should I question my own worth again. So, I guessed the real question actually came down to, did I actually trust him.

Looking up into the king’s regal face, I knew my answer. “It shall be as you say, my lord. I accept.” Still, one question nagged at me. “My lord, may I ask one thing?”

“Anything, my dear.”

My guilt cascaded across my heart and reverberated through my soul, keeping me from speaking clearly as I babbled off, “How can I ever forgive myself?”

“Come here, my child.” The king motioned for me to stand next to him, but all I could do was edge forward and rest my head on his knees, grasping the robe near his feet. My tears wetting his sandaled feet.

“You see this white robe I wear?” asked the king.

I made an odd grunt of an affirmation.

“If I were to dirty my robe in my travels, would I rub it down with a dirty rag to clean it?”

“No, my lord. Of course not.”

“Of course not,” he repeated. “And even if I wiped it down with a clean rag, is that any promise that my robe would be clean?”

“No, I guess not.”

King Sharrukin shook his head. “No, it wouldn’t. It would need to be properly washed, no?

I nodded my head.

“Or replaced.”

“But sire, what does that have to do-”

“With you?” the king smiled. “You fear your past has dirtied your soul, and no amount of good deeds could wash that guilt away. Am I right?”

I was tired of crying. How did he know me so?

“But my dear, you are no longer the woman you once were.”

I gazed up into his eyes, seeking the answer to the riddle he spoke of. No longer the woman I once was?

“Once a slave, you are now free. Once lost, you have now found purpose.” He brushed his hand across my cheek. “Once forced to do evil, you desire only good for those around you, and you work tirelessly upon their behalf. You have turned from evil and desire only good. Is that not a brand new robe you wear about yourself?”

“Is that enough?” I asked, a final tear descending.

“That is a question for the Maker, my dear. But to my eyes, your heart is as pure and sincere as they come. Take solace in that.”

 

Part of what I question here is the reasoning that the king gives her for why she should be forgiven. In my understanding, forgiveness has nothing to do with the person who is being forgiven and everything to do with the one giving forgiveness. I don’t know that the explanation is necessary either.

I might also lean more into showing rather than telling. Flashbacks or flickers of memory might be interesting so that we feel why she feels unworthy.