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  • K. A. Grey replied to the topic From Earth You Came (fantasy Short Story) in the forum Fantasy Writers 3 years, 10 months ago

    @kingdomfire7  Hey now, don’t put yourself or your story down!  I did read it, but since I don’t really consider myself a fantasy writer, I wasn’t able to comment unless I joined the group. That being said, I’m willing to offer some critique if you’d care to hear it!

    First off, I really enjoyed this story!  I like the title “From Earth You Came” most, but “The Sky Burns Red” sounds good too.

    I think you have good prose and good pacing. I don’t have much to critique except the ending.  It just feels a little too sudden to me? I mean, he just lost his daughter, so he probably isn’t going to have his feelings resolved that quickly.  I do understand that there is a little bit of a time constraint with a short story, so obviously you can’t really have a long-drawn out scene.  I actually think you do really well with the story until where it says, “Then I saw it. An inscription had been scrawled…”  I think that slashing the painting feels like a realistic reaction.  But stopping short just because he sees the inscription feels just a little bit forced?  He might even react with even more cynicism.  (“How could He say He loves?”)

    My advice might be to either have another character support him in that moment, because the MC isn’t going to be thinking clearly.  Or perhaps alter the reaction he has at first.  The realization of “Oh, this happened because I acted like this…” just feels like it happens a little too soon.

    Of course, remember that this is all my subjective opinion, and some people might say the story should go somewhere else and some might want to keep it the way it is.  I’d say the story works pretty well as it is, but strengthening those last few paragraphs might make it even more powerful.  My advice would be, to really look how this character is going to react to certain situations, his emotions and thought processes are going to affect his actions.  Other than that, I enjoyed this story very much!  I like the message you are trying to convey, and it is well-written.  Well done!

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