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Alessio glanced back, for the first time realizing Nithel wasn’t right behind him. That hadn’t even occurred to him. Alessio left him.

You’re not good for anything except running away. You really are just a coward.

He just didn’t want to hold Nithel back, Nithel wouldn’t have gone in without Alessio.

But you would.

It was an accident, he just wanted to get it over with. He still wanted to get it over with, he couldn’t breathe here. Don’t have anything funny or clever to say now? The sick voice in his head kept getting louder. Trying to block it out with logic. If he crawled back now…he wouldn’t be able to, the moment he left the cave it’s over he won’t be physically capable of climbing in again. If he gets to close to an opening, that’s it. The moment he goes back it’s over.

This wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t get so attached to anyone who acts nice. You don’t love anyone you’re just dependent!

Alessio glares at the pitch black floor, shaking hard, wishing for the world he could murder that part of him that was toxic with all the bitterness, cunning and survival instincts imprinted on his soul. But he couldn’t say he hadn’t encouraged this fissure of identity in himself; that voice was the persona he’d projected to avoid capture or torture, or both.

He tried to breathe, to focus on shoving down that voice, but he started hyperventilating and cursing himself for it.

Just calm down just…breathe…it’s ok, just breathe—

‘Useless’

 

___

 

Minutes, hours, it’s all the same to him. He bit his lip until there was metallic blood sticking to his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut. If I see an exit I won’t be able to go back in. Don’t think about it don’t think about don’t think…

Alessio swallowed. He kept digging his wrists into the rough floors and it hurt but if he didn’t inflict some pain on himself he’d get crazier. Mistakes were punished, always.

It wasn’t physically possible to inch backwards in the cramped space, so his only options were to wait or keep moving. He was going to wait, no matter how long it took. But he wasn’t sure how to function beyond that.

 

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