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Ella replied to the topic Short Story: A Chance of Hope in the forum Contemporary Fiction Writers 5 years, 10 months ago
Wow! That was amazing! There were only a couple of things I noticed.
Breathe, I tell myself. In and out. In and out. My heart calms and I lean back, closing my eyes.Maybe you could you italics just to make her thoughts clearer. I think the readability would be easier.
The helplessness of not being able to help someone.There are two “help” words in this, so, for readability’s sake, consider using a synonym for one or the other.
I nod. “Of course. But what can I do?”I know this leads the reader on to wonder how the lady knew about Amber’s profession, but maybe there could be a little more confidence from Amber? It’s not easy to become a neurosurgeon! 😄 But if you want the mood of her dialogue to be despairing, that’s completely fine and don’t bother. 🙂
The neurologist hands him a form. “Then we’ll need you to sign this consent form.”Form appears twice in back-to-back sentences, so maybe you could consider a synonym.
I suddenly feel like the breath is being squeezed out of me.Maybe more showing, for example, “Breath can’t seem to reach my lungs, as if the air was rapidly dissipating.” That’s a terrible sentence, but I think something like that would make the reader empathize with Amber a little more, you know?
And then one last thing, maybe you could add something in about how winter doesn’t win. I think that would add a lot of consistency and finality.
But, wow!! This is so good! You’ve definitely got a good chance of winning! 👍
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