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Snaps571 started the topic Opinion on a Peter Pan retake in the forum Critiques 7 years, 8 months ago
Hey guys!
I was wondering if I could get an opinion on my retake of Peter Pan and Neverland. So far it’s about a group of old people stricken by Alzheimer’s who return to Neverland. I’ve only covered the first two characters, and I need suggestions on whether or not I should continue with the “saving Neverland” theme.
Here’s the part I’ve got down so far:
Saving Neverland
By: Heidi McGrew
“Mr. Canfield, I can’t honestly say when this started for her.”
“No, sir, otherwise I would have told you.”
“Alright. Now, what are the symptoms?”
“Yes. She has actually had a definite change in personality.”
“Well, sir, she’s been more aggressive and withdrawn. She’s been staring at blank spaces and talking to herself all the while. It’s even gotten to the point where she’s saved a seat next to her at dinner and tea time.”
“Yes. She definitely has outbursts when we don’t honor her requests.”
“No. Nothing too horrible, yet.”
“Ok. I’ll let you know when it gets worse.”
Click
“What did the psychiatrist say, honey?”
“Alzheimer’s.
Many people suffer from Alzheimer’s. I, unfortunately, was one of those people. (Note the was in the previous sentence.) Yes, I have recovered, and no I don’t know how I did. This story is not about that. This is about me saving a little girl from the monsters that tracked me down and tried to tear me apart with their magic. I want to write down what I have experienced as I do not want any more children to go through what may seem like a heaven, but in reality, is a true purgatory.In the beginning, it started with that doctor’s call my son made. He was a gentle man but could worry you till you were in a castle (elaborately decorated) of worries. That day, I discovered that I had Alzheimer’s. I was traumatized, but I knew just what would calm me down. Soon after, I was at my desk and was writing my heart out when my young granddaughter, Lana, came up to me.
‘Water runs
Trickling down my back.
I see the smooth stones
Underneath its steady track.
Slowly I walk.
Slowly I think.
My mind is unfurled
Within the beauty of this world.
And I will sink
Into the water that runs
Trickling down my back.’
“What are you writing about, babushka?” said seven-year-old Lana.
“I am writing about my home, little zvezda. What else would I write about?”
“Question.”
“Yes, zvezda.”
“Where is your home?”
“Why, it is in a faraway place called Neverland where there are pirates and mermaids and little things called pixies that all live together! It is such a wondrous place, and I have not been home I such a long time. I wish I could go back. Oh! I almost forgot the best part of Neverland!”
“Oooh! What is it? What is it?”
“In Neverland… I can fly.”
BOOM
That was the day it all changed from fantasy to reality. You see, there was some truth to what I had said to my zvezda, but I didn’t know that. You see, each child has their own pixie, at least in the beginning. The one thing that I didn’t understand about each pixie was that they had kind of a sixth sense when they were first born about the human that they would be attached to. This sense was what their human was going to end up doing. For example, mine knew that I was going to want to leave Neverland after a time. Then, when I did actually leave, my pixie, Vira, came with me because the magic inside her had been attuned to me so much. This was an unusual case because most other pixies didn’t adapt as much as Vira did. Like, another pixie would only read so much into their human’s intentions, so that when the rest of the children left Neverland, their pixies remained. So, when I left, Vira’s power and goals allowed her to come with me. Then, apparently, she was dormant for a long time while I grew older, had grandchildren, and had Alzheimer’s. Finally, she was awoken when I said the word Neverland. That was what triggered the magic inside her to take me back.
Now, you may be wondering, how did Lana come with you? Well, like I said earlier, all children have a pixie for a time. My Lana, however, is a special case. Her pixie must have been an especially weak one when it was born, so it was quite dependent on Lana. Once Lana started growing up, though, it grew in strength until it was able to choose whether or not to be free from its bond to Lana. The thing was, Lana wasn’t strong enough to survive the break. The pixie realized this, and it felt compassion for my little Zvezda, and so, my girl was transported to Neverland with me.












