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*stumbles in with a cloud of dust*

Okay, I’m here. Thou hast called me.

Anyhow. Let’s break down some prose. *cracks knuckles* I’m going to take this paragraph by paragraph and give my opinion on it and what might be improved. So, without any further ado, let’s begin.

Paragraph #2: Exton has one chance to stop an ancient traitor from rising again and swathing the world in blood. Proving himself would be a dream, and he yearns to save humanity.

So, I’ll agree and say this is a tad bit bland. Not necessarily a bad sort of bland… just lacking the emotion it could be. For example: why does it matter that Exton proves himself? What will happen if he doesn’t? Why does he have to prove himself in this dramatic of a manner? Who is this ‘traitor’ a traitor to?

Intrigue is one of the most elusive an deadly of all creatures in the writing world, very hard to track down and even harder to catch than a ring-wraith sometimes. It’s also quite necessary for making a good story soup. Instead of right-out saying things, we must imply them. For example – Exton wants to save the world to prove himself. It’s in all honestly a generic-sounding goal, though that might be the intent – but what are the stakes? When we set the stakes so high without giving first some emotional connection to the plot/characters that we as people(not readers – people) can connect to, we lose the very reason we had stakes in the first place. It’s where both Endgame and Infinity War went wrong in my opinion – the stakes were set high, but the best parts of the film weren’t the battles or the confrontations with Thanos or the teaming up of the grand ol’ party of MCU peoples – it was Hawkeye looking for his family after the snap, or Rocket getting a new family, or Antman’s confusion after returning from being stuck in the quantum realm for 5 years.

Right now, we open with Exton telling us his goal and the stakes – but we have no reason to care for those stakes. We have no reason to fear the villain – all that we know is what Exton/the narrator wants us to know. Which may be your intent, but if it’s not, I’d suggest adding something a bit more personal to the MC in those first lines.

Pararaph #2: But his immortal guide, a wizard of wavering faith, warns him to watch what he hopes for. Other dreamers have dared before him, but turned at last to evil.

^^This right here is honestly the most interesting part about the premise. A wizard of wavering faith? As an immortal? It breaks the typical Gandalf-founded style of all-powerful or epic wizards with strong moral/ethical virtues, and forces it in a new direction. It also brings up the question of how an immortal being can be immortal and yet so undecided as to what he/she believes in. After all, immortals have seen and heard many things, have they not? Think of what Lotr would be like if Gandalf had had “wavering faith”.

Overall, I like this paragraph the best so far.

Paragraph #3: Yet what could go wrong with wanting to save the world?

This seems to be a satirical line from what I can tell, but it’s phrased in a way that almost makes it sound like it’s not. Which is interesting, because most characters you see trying to save the world acknowledge the dangers and what could happen to them if they try, so this is also an interesting dynamic if it’s not satire.

If it is, it’s not especially intriguing – to be honest, satirical lines only work for me when the character is shown to be a bit satirical before, or if it’s a punch line. This doesn’t really function as either, and it’s also a bit… tonally confusing. If it’s satire, well, what about the rest of the premise that doesn’t seem to be? If it isn’t, why does he seem so serious in the lines previous about the stakes?

Paragraph #4: Disaster strikes when whispers circulate of a new god, friends divide, assassins rise, and an innocent people topple on the edge of ruin.

This is interesting. I like the way you’re weaving in the mentions of a “new god” so that it could almost either stand for Christ or for a pagan god. I’ve always enjoyed fiction where the writer is bold enough to acknowledge that people make false gods/worship said false gods because many people dance around the idea. I also always tend to enjoy fiction that takes things from a non-Christian POV at first(because honestly, most people won’t have the same worldviews or thoughts when they hear of a savior as a Christian – in fact, most people probably think of a cult, to be honest. When you shove a Christian worldveiw in a non-Christian’s head without any explanation…. well, it causes issues.) This allows me to speculate – is this God we’re talking about, or not? Intrigue has been caught. 😉

Paragraph #5: Exton plays a game with no mercy for failure. The world requires a perfect hero. Where others see impossibility, he dares to try.

I actually like the phrasing “no mercy for failure” here. It reminds me of how Christ offers mercy to us despite us not deserving it, and kind of contrasts how people think vs. how God thinks. The whole of this paragraph kind of offers that contrast, how the “world requires a perfect hero” when we as humans can never be perfect. It also gives us a sort of first glimpse on our MC’s personality with the last line “where others see impossibility, he dares to try”. I like that.

Paragraph #6: But the world lies under a deep shadow, little escaping its corrupting influence: the ancient tune first sung by his arch-enemy…

So, the only bone I have to pick with this paragraph is the part of “his arch-enemy”. Who’s arch-enemy is this? The world’s? Exton’s? It’s just a bit unclear as to who, exactly, we’re talking about.

Paragraph #7: Some call it the Songkiller’s symphony.

I like this. Alliteration is a nice tool to give a piece of prose just a little extra weight in a reader’s mind, and also makes it easier for people to remember. It ties in nicely by mentioning the title and relating to the plot.

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So. That was long. Overall, I like this, but I think it has a few issues that could be fixed and make it sound much more authentic and unique from the standard “hero must save the doomed fantasy world” we see many times. I’m sure you can manage it, Daeus, so never fear and good luck. 😉