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@allison-grace *considers your idea* That’s a very good point. It is VERY unclear that the emotional manipulation is going on.

But the thing is, I intended it to be that way, because I’m trying to show the magic being used on a POV character – which means by definition that I cannot draw attention to the fact that it’s even happening.

However, I do agree with you that there should be some way for the reader to at least be aware of how the magic works, so they know that there are external forces at work. I think the larger context of the story will provide that balance, and if/when I compile all the individuals pieces I have written so far and put them into order as an actual story (instead of just a bunch of scenes that kind of connect), it will be revealed more naturally how the dragon magic works.

@mlbolangerauthor Yay!!!! I’m so glad you liked this! *grins*

• When I start working on this project again, you’ll definitely learn more about Aeldn. His backstory is quite tragic, and important, too. I’m glad such a large cast of characters didn’t bog down the flow of the story, though!
• Reads smoothly, but is overdramatic. Got it! Thanks for the diagnosis! That was the feeling I got when I re-read this before posting (initially wrote around two years ago), so I’m glad that lines up with what you thought. 🙂 Some of the italics later on in the scene are the dragon speaking inside her own head. But before that, I believe there is some dialogue that shouldn’t be in italics. But beyond that, I agree that there’s WAY too much internal dialogue. Thanks for confirming that, too. (This was a first draft, btw. That’s why it was so rough 🙂 ). I need to work on that, because I think the internal dialogue is the reason why it comes off as overdramatic. So they’re definitely connected issues.

• *looks at stair-climbing section* You’re right. It does get a little bit “white-room”-ish then.
• So… it wasn’t much of a plot-twist, then. *rubs chin thoughtfully* Well, it doesn’t have to be a plot twist, I suppose. It is rather inevitable, because I did foreshadow it rather clearly with the whole bit about Aeldn. *nods*

Thank you so much for the feedback!

If you’d like to read more, check out this link:

If you’d like to read still more within this world, check out the two other pieces that I’ve put up for critique here in the guild. The October piece is this same scene from her father’s POV, while the September piece is a completely different POV.