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Mr.Trip Williams replied to the topic Looking for Beta readers for a 66k Fantasy Romance in the forum Fantasy Writers 3 years, 9 months ago
haha. thank you for your interest. It is nothing like the steamy love stories of modern ilk… if that’s what you are asking. It is a love story only in that this is a story of how the parents of my main character for a book series I am writing met… yeah, not confusing, eh… It was meant to be a short story of how my MC’s parents met. lol. 60,000 words later…. I’ve got a full-blown short novel on my hands.
There isn’t even so much as a kiss until the last scene, which is two years after the rest of the book when the two are married. It is a story of adventure where a doctor who is desparately attempting to redeem an evil past meets and attempts to save a war general who is running away from his own evil past – of deeds done during the war – as they slowly fall in love with each other while trying to stay alive.
Here is a link you can use to read my manuscript via google docs…
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qkFnMaYylWtV0TuCIqZsEq4QaBKswWpt5VW1l11QM48/edit?usp=sharing
I am super happy about that. I am neither female, nor any form of physician, nor do I have any similar backgrounds to her background, so I am super happy I was able to create her realistically.Her personality and struggles felt real.Now I have a question. Why did those siblings need to argue so much in the beginning? I get wanting to show Aefflaed’s life and neighbors, but this scene just came off as weird and rather irrelevant.I’ve actually got a lot of flack for having the three kids there in that scene. I am thinking of rewriting that whole scene so either there are no kids, or perhaps keep the teenager and the kid but trim it down a lot… not sure. Any suggestions there would be greatly appreciated!
Why is she so determined to not leave her patient? What happened in her past that led up to this? There’s a lot of potential for more depth and internal conflict here.that’s a really good point… as written, it’s more like she gets caught up in the moment. and it’s his life compared to a broken leg, a cough, and a lady in the middle of her pregnancy… so nothing life-threatening or time-sensitive per se…. but without Hanniumm’s tremendous healing ability, he would have died, realistically, even before reaching Aefflaed’s home…
but I think you are on to something there… she destroyed many men’s lives in her sordid past, so when she was saved from that life style, she feels like any failure to save a life is like failing to make up for it and brings back thoughts of her worthlessness and feels she would have to name herself a murderer, I guess. I have to think deeper on that…. it would be good addition to the tension…
Aefflaed and Hannium’s relationship dynamics are pretty interesting. Bonus, the romance doesn’t make me gag or roll my eyes. I’m curious, though. Given Aefflaed’s past, wouldn’t it be possible that Hannium’s temper could trigger bad memories for her?lol. glad it doesn’t gag you! lol. Aefflaed isn’t fully aware of her attraction to him at first, then when she realizes it, she fights against it somewhat and weakly… till the end. I firmly believe that true romance is in the relationship, not the sauce. And it’s the relationship that makes the “sauce” so epic when you have a truly beautiful romance. And THAT type of romance is the type that sticks with you and is ever memorable, I think… any who… lol probably preaching to the choir.
Hanniumm’s temper triggering bad memories… that is a good thought… unfortunately, red district and that lifestyle isn’t typically traumatic due to anger issues… If Hanniumm had attempted at any time to reach out and touch Aefflaed for any reason, I could definitely see it triggering her, but for the most part, Aefflaed is the one reaching out to touch Hanniumm – to treat him. She was saved and taught/trained by a doctor, so doctoring is her ‘safe zone’ so to speak. That’s why she can feign strength while doctoring Hanniumm, even though she is secretly insecure.
Your description, humor, and suspense/action are all good. The stakes and danger rise nicely. Only thing I’d change is making more use of ominous rumors about Cairbre’s ability to make essence backfire swirling around. That diamond incident was amusing, perhaps because I knew what was up beforehand 😂.lol. the diamond incident was something added after the first draft, and I was really happy I added it. lol. It will actually be an important detail in my second Abirami book…(wink wink – foreshadowing…..)
With the essence backfire thing, the first mention of curse was just that, to let the reader know that curses are real in this world. That story is actually not connected to Cairbre at all.
I did have to read Nicte and Yaxin’s apology twice for it to make sense. I think that’s a wording issue; you mentioned Nicte’s name but in the same sentence had Yaxkin (unnamed) step forward and apologize.ah. I will have to look at that and reword it. Nicte and Yaxkin are my favorite characters to write, I think… they’re the comedic relief, so to speak. Twins with diametrically opposing personalities (wicked grin).
I could tell he was a type/shadow of God/Jesus. I noted his qualities of kindness, intensity, wisdom, and wrath. My only problem here is that these characteristics vascillate too much in him, making him seem erratic.hmm… erratic in a bad way? I want him to be enigmatic and a bit mysterious to the end… but perhaps it’s not as easily seen, but you may note… his wrath always shows up whenever Aefflaed or Hanniumm put themselves down…. “if I survive the coming battle…” “I don’t deserve…” etc. The king is another favorite of mine, if only cause of his great wisdom….any advice that would make his character better, I’d love to hear!
I love the parallel character arcs of Aefflaed and Hannium.YAY!!!! (grin grin grin grin). They are Abirami’s parents. (grin).
I am glad that the battle wasn’t unnecessarily gory. However, Aefflaed’s investment in it needs to be shown more. Giving her a goal to achieve during the battle would repair its dullness.what type of goal?
Just wanting to make sure: did Cairbre’s curse not really seem to affect Aefflaed (at least physically) because it targeted essence use, and she had none? That is a great way of turning her “weakness” into a strength, if so.bingo! yep. it didn’t effect her cause she has no essence to trigger it. Now, it still effected her, but it didn’t kill her cause it triggers death upon essence use, like the first curse that was used on the king’s troops. Plus, she would be contagious, meaning anyone who touched her would be cursed as well, which is why the blessing was necessary…. (this curse/counter curse is actually why Abirami is mixed-blood but is still able to have the abilities of a full blooded Aygiff, while normally a mixed blood would have an extremely weak essence… ie. only able to transform into only one animal at most… an important background fact for Abirami’s book series)
The climax of Aefflaed’s character arc was done well. It’s not really about earning forgiveness or forgiving oneself, but about trusting the One who has chosen and forgiven.yay! the message got through! I’m glad, cause there are parts where Aefflaed erroneously thinks first that she must earn it, and then after the second encounter with the king thinks she must forgive herself, then realizing she may never reach a position where she can forgive herself, on the third meeting with the king, after the battle, she learns to trust the One who has chosen and forgiven. =)
The ending is very sweet, and it satisfied me.oh, so glad! I was worried it was kinda short and choppy, separated from the rest of the book like that. so glad it worked for you…
and… the ending is a great segway to the Abirami book series =) called Adventures of the Last Aygiff.
And one more question: are you going to divide the book up into chapters?haha. I’ve been considering it but not sure how to separate them out. If I do, I most likely will not be naming the chapters. My books in Adventures of the Last Aygiff do have named chapters… perhaps I didn’t just because I originally planned for Aefflaed’s Weakness to be a short story…. (lol. In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps…. no? wink wink)










