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lol I’m so happy I liked it too 😛 And you must let be beta read morrrrrre!!!!

Lol all is good then (:
Haha tell Jake I wouldn’t trust him with a plastic water-gun within a ten mile radius. But I am fascinated by his character and really all the characters here I can’t pick a favorite they’re all so interesting!!! I’d probably love to hang out with Fabian most, but I’d want Marian for a tough situations and Jake I’d want a couple miles away from me but still watch at a distance.
Ok questions, gonna skip 1 cos it’s sci-fi to me and I’m new to that genre anyway 🙂
“2. Do the characters seem realistic?” Absolutely, they were very dynamic and interesting for the window of characterization allowed in a shortstory. I thought Jake’s flashbacks were pretty skillfully handled and flowed smoothly with the narrative and made me all the more intrigued by his inner conflict. Fabian was very sweet and childlike and much more trusting than I would be in that situation, I personally woulda at least handcuffed Jake or had a few safeguards for when he woke up. Marian didn’t get as much screentime as the others but she remained memorable and retained the thread of a question whether or not she actually did have feelings for him, but she definitely did have inner conflict about him although I wouldn’t know about romantic conflict necessarily as much as post-romantic conflict that might spark back again later (but I personally frown on that in novels XD)
“3. Any favorites?” Mmm that’s hard. I really liked/felt protective of Fabian but I slipped more into Marian’s shoes for some reason (possibly the never being taken seriously/unromantically even when waving a gun and kick-butting thing that always drives me crazy) and Jake was just all-round interesting and engaging.
“4. What do you think of Jake, Marian and Fabian?”
Jake: very conflicted, holds a lot of self-hate and terror that greatly strengthens his complacency trying to defend what he’s doing even though he knows it’s wrong. Has a very crass attitude as a defense mechanism, still kinda flirts with Marian like somebody flirts with a lost childhood. He’s attracted to her but probably more the memory of her and when things were “safe”, it’s more nostalgia than love at this point although there might still be some level of connection that was broken and maybe the possibility of new connections. Is in stark denial of Fabian being his brother because that would force him to confront his own crimes with the boy’s idealism or double his guilt to a point he probably couldn’t stand.
Marian: straight-laced level-headed one probably holds a sense of guilt or shame for letting Jake into her heart to begin with but is also a good person who still wants what’s best for Jake which simply won’t reconcile with his life choices. So she has the conflict of how far do you go for someone who isn’t willing to help himself, and how far do you walk away? Definitely protective of Fabian (or maybe that’s just my older sister “MUST PROTECT SMOL ANYTHING THAT CROSSES MY PATH”). Clearly incredibly accomplished and tries to keep her head over her heart but she’s got a lot of emotions to sort out and doesn’t strike as the type that accepts help too well after being burned in that relationship, but she still shows a certain level of emotions and a level of openness with Jake as still recovering from the betrayal but still wanting to help him. She walks that fine line between too cold and too caring there and it should be interesting to see how she stands between legal duties and ideals. I’m sure their past relationship involved a lot of him expecting/begging understanding and forgiveness and her own needs being pushed to the side because he was so wrapped up in what he thought he needed and what he thought he needed from her so I just wouldn’t find it healthy for them to ever get back in a relationship unless that was exceptionally well-handled.
Fabian: soooooo naïve and innocent and sweet, but dang I was screaming that whole time he was letting Jake out “DON’T GET SO CLOSE!!! WATCH HIM DANG IT HE WAS HIRED TO KILL YOU AND THAT MEANS HE’S GOOD AT IT!!!! DON’T YOU HURT MY CINNAMON ROLL OR I’LL SHOOT YOU THROUGH THE FOURTH WALL JAKE!!!” That Fabian was always fiddling with some mechanical thing or other was a cute quirk and his mannerisms and voice all made an interesting contrast with his hulking body and that added to his charm/intrigue. So he was a darling but I wanted to scream at him to be more careful or just be somewhere safe and spoiled and eat cupcakes XD
“5. Are the themes and message coming out clear?” There’s a lot of interesting themes here on regret that neither Marian or Jake are handling too well; both are trying to cut themselves off from the pain and do what they’re doing but Marian makes her slight shift appealing to Jake for his little brother. Jake still hasn’t quite learned his lesson that surviving just isn’t enough it you live for nothing and no one, but he’s hit rock bottom and might just have his turning point depending. Fabian’s theme that every life matters is very powerful and tangles into Marian and Jake’s thing very dynamically because they both have to allow themselves to care and be real.
“6. Any tips of reducing word count?” Don’t. Write exactly as much as presents it most powerfully; no more no less.
“7. Is my pacing good?” Fantastic, I really got sucked into pretty quick (and I thought I was just gonna kinda skim with the five minutes I had until I woke up and I’d finished the story lol)
“8. What do you think will happen next?” Jailbreak. Possibly with Marian’s aid but noted Jake and Marian’s previous relationship I tag as toxic unless otherwise indicated. I imagine Marian’s going to protect Fabian as well as she can and the baddies that hired Jake are gonna be out for blood and their runaway experiment Fabian which in all likelihood resulted from Jake betraying his brother in some convoluted way where he didn’t fully understand what the consequences of his actions would be until boom too late. We’ll probably get more backstory and political/social atmosphere and a broader understanding of the current intrigue and how it relates the rest of the world and exactly what they’re up against cos they’ll totally be forced to work together in some way or other.”
“9. Would you like to know?” mmm how do I put this? YES!!!!!
“10. Are my descriptions coming in clear?” Yurp and engaging.
“11. Is the plot sound?” Certainly from what I know of it I still have questions of course (: Like what’s gonna happen next
“12. What were your favorite scenes?” idk when Jake wakes up and finds himself in a situation where the thrid has complete power over him was a dynamic tables-turn that really set their characters and the tension but all the build up and the action was super engaging
“13. What is this short story missing, if anything?” meh, the only thing I’d change is how you show Fabian’s speech impediment; it works fine for a short stories but it’s not quite easy on the eyes ya’know, I’d keep the accent just only show it for the “key points” where his accent is strongest in each sentence and let the readers “fill-in” naturally, but I’m still struggling with how much to “show” my characters’ accents too so that just might turn out to be bad advice so…XD
“14. Can you all think of any other name for a creature than thrid or is thrid fine?” thrid’s quick and easy to remember, if you want a particular meaning you can always google names with meanings or google translate whatever adjective you want to associate into Swahili or something. Depends on if/how much you want the name to be thematic but otherwise thrid’s great.
“15. Am I showing instead of telling?” it was engaging idc idk
“16. Do any scene drags?” Nope, it was fast-paced and high-action.