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@msqueen8

I was super encouraged by your story! It’s sincere and uplifting, a good reminder in the midst of a pretty twisted culture.

 

For me, it’s set to “view only”, so I just went ahead and listed places where I found grammar and punctuation errors. Corrections/issues are in italics:

“Clearly my older sister thought we were part of  a sinful culture.” p4

“Spring had come and the grass was thick as I imagined it had been…” p5

“The sun…” sentence fragment p7

“Sometimes, they realize who Christ is and what He did for the first time only after they die…” rephrased the sentence to make it sound smoother p7

“Then, in the light of dawn, Jesus…” “Then, he returned…” “Not because we deserve it, but…” p8 commas 

“she said, triumphantly…” capitalization, p9

“I’m trusting you; please…” semi-colon or a period p10

“Lifting my eyes, I saw the window flowers gently swaying outside…” p10

“A street light…” “As if all the world…” “A gentle rain…” sentence fragments p10

Hopefully this format is easy to follow!

 

Theme-wise, I love how the character arc and the narrator’s realizations are often due to what they see in their surroundings (i.e. the setting sky, the moon behind the clouds). The only thing is, Pat does say a lot, and although it’s all really powerful truth, some nuances might be lost on your audience if they’re reading it all at once. I would suggest shortening it to some of the main points, and let the narrator’s interactions with her environment reinforce those key points that you want to make.

It’s so cool that you’re submitting this! 🙂 Which occasion is it for?