Activity

A few notes, and then the answers to your questions.

I really like the way you describe everything in deep POV, every sentence is just jam-packed with the character’s feelings and inner chaos; especially at the beginning.

I also really like the distracted and almost off-handed, way you introduce the characters.

The grammar and some wording could be better; clearer and more precise.

Question 1. I liked the way you handled God directly and blatantly. It was in character and felt natural to the world you have there.

Question 2. The development felt… off. It felt like it came and went in spurts. I noticed this especially in the battle scene at the church- I got lost and couldn’t follow the internal or external events going on at all, then suddenly she’s talking about repentance? That might be the scene you’ll need to do the most work on. I think my note about clarifying the wording most applies to that specific part of the story.

Question 3. I think if anything the story is far too short. It’s a whirlwind- Something that might help you shorten up the wordcount is to try and break up all your compound sentences (which would also help clarify some of your action sequences). The first night in the church could be shortened, but I really like the feeling of quiet self-contemplation that it had and the beginning, and I think it’s one of the strongest character development scenes in the story.

Question 4. I think it could be shortened, but I’m not sure if it can be shortened well enough to do the story justice. I think the biggest issue that the story has is that it’s pacing is slightly off, with a longer setup paired with a too-fast conclusion. If you shortened the beginning then it would be balanced, at the very least.