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Alright guys, here’s Kit’s entry!

Content warnings: Sooo, there’s mentions of a struggle with same-sex attraction, also descriptions of a friend struggling with alcohol abuse (there’s a few scenes of him drunk)

Valencia:

“Christopher Carlisle Goldenseal, disgraced son of an orphaned house.  Divulge your deepest regret.”

“Alright, alright, alright.” Kit bolts from his seat the second his restraints fall, fists clenched.  “First things first.”  He jabs an accusing finger at the screen.  “You don’t get to call me that name – only Eli does, and that’s when he’s real ticked.”

A ghost of a smile tugs at my lips.  I’ve heard this one too many times to count – not in real life of course, but in Kit’s many animated impressions of his eldest brother.  I can almost see it now – the cool, crisp, deathly quiet intonation…the lifeless eyes staring back at me…

To be fair, I’m not sure how well I can trust Kit for completely unbiased representations, but this one always felt so viscerally real to me I’m willing to let any potential exaggeration pass.

He sighs, absently smoothing the lapel of his coat. “Second of all, the name’s Kit, and you will refer to me as such.”  His eyes flicker over my gaze, two pools of inky black spiked with purest fear.  He turns away, frost creeping over his gaze as he faces the screen.

I grit my teeth and yank my hands against the restraints.  Pain flickers across my wrists as the straps scrape my skin, dulling as it filters through the numbing fog in my mind.  I just want to leave, just to run somewhere far away and hide where I can’t see or hear or experience any of this.  I already know what it is, and I don’t want to hear it, not again.  Somehow, in some awful, selfish way, I’d almost even rather hear the gossip again than the secrets spilling from his own tongue.  I stare down at my feet, trying to shut out the glare of the screen and the staring circle of strangers, trying to shut out Kit and trying to shut out this secret I never had any business knowing in the first place.

“Anyways.”  Kit’s voice suddenly pierces the mist in my head like a siren in the deadest watch of night. “You guy’s have heard worse already, so I guess I’ll just be completely blunt and honest with you.  I…uhhh…I like guys.  I mean, I like girls too, but I also like guys, and not like I want it that way but it just…is.  And so I told my closest friend about it a couple of years ago.  I just had to tell someone – it’s not that I wanted people to know, but I couldn’t just keep it a secret forever…”  I venture a glance at him.  He’s staring down, mouth set in a hard line, absently fiddling with one of his rings. “…I guess because I know it’s wrong, and I just wanted someone to talk to about it, you know?”  His shoulders drop as a wistful smile creeps across his lips.  “And it really was such a relief telling him.  It’s like this giant burden just lifted off of my shoulders, because I knew I wasn’t carrying it alone anymore.  He’s the only person I ever told, and he swore to me he’d never tell…” the words falter as they slip from his cracking voice, shattering on the petrified silence in this stone cold hall.

“Well you know how it is.  Somehow word got out, and that was the end of my social life.  It’s not like I was formally ostracized or anything…but people sure lost interest in me real fast after that got out.  They got kind of uncomfortable with me, I guess.”

“Anyways, now you know.  I guess there’s nothing more to say.  If you want to avoid me too now that’s fine by me – it’s not like there’s anything I can do to change your minds either way.”

That’s a lie.  I know by now there’s nothing Kit craves more than unconditional love.

Kit’s gaze flickers to mine, like he’s searching my eyes for some hope of comfort.  My eyes hover somewhere on his brow – it always hurts too much to look into anyone’s eyes, but Kit’s in particular have always been way too intense for me.

He’s right though.  For once, I want nothing more than to grab his hand and squeeze it til’ his knuckles pop…ok, maybe an exaggeration…but if it weren’t for these restraints I’d like to think I’d do it.  For now, the best I can manage is a watery smile.

Kit suddenly straightens, like a clockwork automaton winding into position.  He shrugs, and just like that this fragile, brittle Kit melts away, leaving behind the usual scaffolding of blindingly bright optimism and unshakeable confidence.  The Kit I’ve been collaborating with and arguing with and sometimes enjoying hanging out with for the past six months.  The Kit I know and…

Love…

Unconditionally so.

I guess it’s something I crave too, if I’m going to be honest.  I just never really think about it because it’s something I never really get.

Well, that’s not completely true…

It’s strange, I haven’t known Kit as long as others, but he’s one of the few people I don’t have to hide from.  He’s seen so many of the ugly parts of me, the weak and confusing parts that would’ve scared off anyone else, the just-barely-off parts that other people never quite bothered to understand and left me for.

I guess in a strange way, we’re kind of devoted to each other.

I flinch as the screen suddenly flashes red.

10

…

“Kit!”

9

…

Kit’s gaze snaps to mine, eyes soft and attentive.

8

…

“The screen!”

7

…

Kit’s eyes snap open. “What?”

6

…

“Oh come on man, I told you already!”

5

…

“You’re weaseling out two regrets for the price of one, you know?”  I tense as his voice sharpens with rising anger, panic laced between his words.

4…

“Val…”

3

…

I glance over as he collapses back in his seat.

2…

“I honestly don’t even know what’s coming next”

1…

What the blazes do I do now?

The screen flashes red, then darkens.

A series of scenes flashes across the screen.  Kit and Cecil first meeting at a banquet as children, Kit and Cecil being tutored together, trailing behind their parents on important travel together.

It’s weird, remembering that the Goldenseal brothers once had parents.

Cecil trailing behind Kit as he clings to Eli, somehow mingling in with his brothers as they said their last goodbyes at their mother’s funeral.

Cecil and Kit deep in conversation, Cecil and Kit on a joyride, Cecil snickering as Kit gets pulled over by the police for traffic infractions.

A brief shot of Cecil comforting Kit as he sobs into his shoulder – maybe sometime after his Father died and Eli lost his rights to childhood forever, sometime before Eli’s sanity crumbled under the pressure (everyone’s heard that one by now).

The screen dims.

Kit’s standing at a mahogany door, fidgeting with his coat anxiously.  The distant whine of an old swing record floats past, mingled with laughter and muddled voices.  Warm light spills onto the steps as the door opens wide, welcoming Kit in.  He darts through an expansive living room, dodging dancing couples as he hurries to the dining area.  Cecil’s standing at a counter a ways away, swaying as he excitedly shares a story, cocktail in hand.  His blue eyes light up in recognition as soon as he sees Kit, the drink spilling out on the gleaming wood floors as he waves wildly.

“Christopher!”

“Come on Cecil, you know I hate being called that.”  There’s a hint of reservation in Kit’s voice.

“Why not?  It’s a lovely name, and besides I’ve always thought Christopher’s way classier than Kit,” Cecil chatters.  Kit stares back at him through narrowed eyes.

“You’re drunk Cecil.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah?  That’s all you have to say for yourself?”  Cecil’s face crumples in some mix of guilt and confusion.

“Yeah, I guess I just had too many,”

“I guess you did.  Come on Cecil, you’re going home now.”  Cecil gasps as Kit snatches the glass out of his hand, slamming it on the counter with a bang.

“I was going to finish that!” he yells indignantly.

“No you’re not.  You’ve had more than enough already, plus you just spilled all the good stuff out anyways.”  Cecil searches the floor desperately as Kit wraps an arm around his shoulder.  He slowly guides him through the maze of party goers, stopping short as Cecil suddenly stumbles up against him. “This isn’t like you at all, Cecil,” he says, a little more gently this time.

“Yeah,”

Kit shrugs.  “Well, guess it’s a good thing I could pick you up tonight.”

“Guess so,”

Kit only sighs.  He kicks open the door, propping Cecil up as he winces and shivers in the cold night air.  Cecil stumbles down the steps, leaning against Kit all the way to his black sedan.  He sways as Kit unlocks the car, narrowly avoiding falling against the door as it swings open.  He knocks his head against the frame as he climbs in the backseat, loudly swearing in protest.  Kit climbs in as he fumbles with his seat belt, swearing between chattering teeth.

Kit leans over in the drivers seat, coat draped over his shoulder.

“Here let me get that for you, Cecil.”  Cecil stares blankly as Kit quickly fastens the seatbelt.  Kit grins and shoves the coat at him.  “And here’s this since you’re obviously under dressed for the weather – you’ve really got to bring a coat next time, ok?”

“Ok,”  Cecil wraps the fur around himself, staring out the window distantly as Kit pulls out into the road.

“Hey Cecil.”

A pause.  “Huh?”

“I heard you gossiping back there, Cecil.”

“I was gossiping about Sebastian.”

I glance over at Kit as he wheezes with barely suppressed laughter.  A smile tugs at my own lips, despite myself.  Sebastian would’ve been rather pleased to hear that – “no such thing as “bad publicity,” as he liked to put it.

My eyes wander back to the screen again.

“I don’t care about Sebastian, I care about whether or not you gossip about me.  Look Cecil, gentlemen don’t stand around tables gossiping, and they certainly don’t stand around tables gossiping drunk.  That’s kind of a recipe for disaster, you know?  Surely you have more interesting things to share about yourself than…oh, I don’t know, other people?  Is that really the best you can come up with?”

“I wouldn’t gossip about you though,”

“Oh really?  Did you actually plan on gossiping about Sebastian, or did it just, you know, pop out unintentionally?  Because that’s how it happens.”  Kit sighs. “It’s concerning to me, Cecil, because I’ve entrusted really, really personal stuff to you specifically because I knew you’re not a gossip.  And you’re not…when you’re sober at least.”

“It was an accident, Kit.  Everyone else was drinking and I just got carried away because I grabbed one every time they did and…”

“Just go drink with reasonable people then.”

A pause.

“On second thought, just don’t drink at all.  See?  No alcohol, problem solved.” Kit sighs. “Look Cecil, this better not happen again, because I’m not picking you up a second time, got it?”

The screen dims again, as a familiar scene plays out again, and again, and again.  Kit running into various houses, fetching an obviously intoxicated Cecil, Cecil says it won’t happen again…

A new scene flashes across the screen.

Kit leans out the window.  “Just one, remember?”  He rolls up the window as Cecil grins, thumbs up in reply.

The screen dims again.

It’s completely dark outside, the streets quiet and so empty.  Rows of houses flicker past, windows darkened save for the occasional glowing room.  It’s incredibly late in the night – or maybe it’s early next morning.  Kit slows, parking in front of a familiar home.  He slams the door shut, storming up the steps.  He pounds on the door, arms crossed as he waits.

Light streams out as someone props the door open.  “He’s in the kitchen.”  The speaker’s voice is mingled with relief, maybe a touch of sheepishness.  Kit storms into the room, brushing past a few lingering party goers.  A few snippets of conversation float around him – “…I know it’s late, but no one else could pick him up, and we couldn’t have him stay here either…”

Kit ducks past a few party goers, who shoot him cool stares in return.

Wait…what was that all about?

Kit stops short in front of a table, stalking over to the corner where Cecil sits, cocktail in hand.

“That’s it, Cecil.  I’m not putting up with this anymore.”  Cecil slowly glances up at him.  “Hi Christo-Kit…”  Kit glares down.

“Come on Cecil.  I’m taking you home again, but this is the last time and I mean it.”  Cecil stares up at him with some mix of confusion and reluctance.

“Let’s go, Cecil,”

Cecil looks away.

“CECIL.”

“Why are you getting so mad at me?” Cecil murmurs.  Kit’s eyes blaze.  “Why am I getting mad?  I’ll tell you EXACTLY why, Cecil.  Look, I’ve been woken up at – what, 12:00 AM at night?  Just to pick you up because you’re too drunk to crawl out of your chair.  And this isn’t the first time either – how many times have you ‘promised’ me you’d just stick to  one?  Promises you obviously never kept, because if you did I wouldn’t be here.  And I haven’t received a single “thank you” either for taking the time out of my schedule just to drag your sorry-”

“Thanks,” Cecil mumbles

“You don’t get to tell me thank you now, ok?”

Cecil gazes up at him, and a flash of bitter pain flickers in his eyes.  Kit softens.  “Hey Cecil…is there something you need to tell me?”

Cecil pauses, blue eyes turning stormy as he holds Kit’s gaze.  He cringes against the back of his chair.  “Guess not.”

“Alright then.  Are you coming with me or not?”  Cecil crumples in his chair, eyes thrown to the side.  His gaze flickers over to Kit, then darts away.

“I’ll find someone else,” he mumbles.

“What?”

“I’ll find someone else.”

“You’re going to find someone else, huh.”  Kit crosses his arms. “Alright then.  Suit yourself.  I’ll be leaving,”  Cecil flinches just as Kit turns to leave.

“Wait Kit,”

Kit turns around, staring back at him coolly.

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs.

“Sorry for what?”

Cecil’s face crumples, and he turns his back.

“Just going to ignore me then?  That’s fine too, I guess.”

The screen flashes red.  I venture a glance over at Kit

“I still feel horrible about leaving him there, but…” He sighs. “I never saw him again, you know?  And that just makes everything worse.  And it’s not like he ever reached out after…after, you know.  So I don’t have closure.  I don’t know, he could be dead for all I know, and I’d never know what happened to him.  I guess even after all that happened, some part of me still cares about him and still wants those memories back, and I guess that’s the part that hurts the most.”  Kit glances up at the screen with weary eyes. “So, there you have it.  I regret ending our friendship on that note – obviously I couldn’t have known that he was going to betray me like that, but as for me…I’d have liked to have done my best, and ended it with a clean conscience, if that makes sense.  I think I was too harsh with him there, and I truly do regret that.”

The screen flashes green, and Kit crumples back in his seat.

I think it’s pretty obvious Cecil broke Kit’s trust while drunk that night, but I’m not saying anything.  I guess that’s for Kit to figure out on his own – it’s not my place to talk about any of it, anyways.