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Fantasy Writers

Ninjanaria Chapter Two: Magic?

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 17 total)
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  • #111210
    Beth Darlene
    @beth20

    Hey,

    For all you, who wanted to read the second chapter, here ya go! Tell me what you think!

     

    Karen stared in horror at the swirl of black water where her brother had been only a minute ago.

    “What the heck just happened?!” she gasped.

    Running down the slope she started to help Jered, search for Tim.

    What felt like hours passed.

    Karen climbed out of the water sopping wet, Jered following. Ana climbed over the rocks towards them.

    “What will happen?” she asked, “will we ever see him again?” she started to sob.

    Karen hugged her to her chest, “Oh Ana I don’t know.”

    Jered stood up, “We have to go get help.”

    He pulled Ana to her feet, wiping her eyes Karen followed them back up the trail.

    “They should be here in a few minutes,” their mom said, hanging up the phone.

    Karen glanced at the clock, it had been thirty minutes since Tim had disappeared. Their mom had been on the phone with the cops.

    Jered was pacing and Ana had fallen asleep on the couch exhausted after the hiking and then the sobbing.

    Karen was lost in thought, what the world, how did he just disappear like that, it doesn’t even make sense. The water didn’t even go up to my waist!

    Just then she heard a car pull up. Looking out the window, she noticed a cop car sitting in the driveway. A middle-aged man stepped out, looking very calm and fit for his age.

    “Mom he’s here,” she said.

    Her mom glanced out the window and ran to the door.

    That sure was fast.

    The man greeted her mom, spoke into his radio, then walked off towards the pond. Karen opened the door and followed.

    Jered looked up, just as his sister closed the door behind her. He wanted to follow but knew someone had to stay with Ana. He was confused. He didn’t understand how someone could disappear in such shallow water. Hours passed and still, he waited. Ana finally woke up but didn’t want to go anywhere near the water.

    Jered honestly couldn’t blame her. He had dozed off a few times but was trying hard not to. I wonder what happened to him?

    He felt his eyelids growing heavier. Then pretty soon he was out like a light bulb.

    Jered pushed through dense undergrowth. He didn’t know where he was going or why his cousin, Silas, was with him. But he knew somewhere up ahead was a clearing and a pond.

    Suddenly he emerged into the clearing. The small muddy pond stretched before them and he realized he was sinking down

                                                             down

                                                                       down.

    Panic started to grip his body.

    He was unable to swim.

    Then it all started to change.

    Appearing beside him, was a man, dressed all in brown. Jered immediately recognized him.

    Ethan.

    Jered’s body felt weird. No, he had nobody. He was just a spirit, floating in someone else’s body. He couldn’t control his limbs or his mind. Nothing belonged to him. He was an alien, an invasive species. And he didn’t like it.

    Then he was talking, but the voice was not his own. An older, lower, eviler voice was emanating from the being he possessed.

    “The wizards are almost ready, Ethan.”

    Ethan smiled “I almost have the boy,” he said.

    Jered was pleased. Yes, his mind purred.

    “No!” he wanted to shout, but couldn’t.

    Then he started laughing.

    Jered’s eyes flew open. He was cold and clammy all over.

    He still sat on the couch, but someone had removed Ana. He glanced at the clock, he had been asleep for an hour.

    His dream was still vivid in his mind, making his skin crawl.

    Seated on the chair opposite him was his mother.

    She was crying.

    Jered’s heart stopped. Had they found his brother’s body?

    Looking closer he noticed in her hand was a piece of paper. It was half crumpled and he could only make out the words,

    Dear Jered,

    “Mom?”

    She looked up and quickly shoved the letter in her pocket.

    “Mom,” he said again “did..did he find a body?”

    She smiled, but it wasn’t a real smile, “No, no he didn’t.”

    Jered didn’t know what to say. He was burning with curiosity about the letter she was hiding. But he didn’t want to upset her by asking.

    “Mom,” he ventured, “what was the piece of paper you were holding?”

    She stiffened, “Nothing Jered, nothing at all.”

    Then she turned around and walked off towards her bedroom. A far away look in her eyes.

    Jered slowly rose to his feet.

    Running up the stairs, he peeked into Karen’s bedroom. She lay face down on her bed.

    “Karen?” he whispered.

    She glanced up and realizing who it was, sat up. “Come in.”

    Jered walked in and sat next to her on the bed. They sat in silence for a minute deep in thought.

    “Jered, no one can find him,” Karen finally said.

    Jered sighed, “I know,” he said.

    Ana roused by their voices, slid into the room, and climbed up on the bed.

    “I’ve been thinking,” Karen explained, “that maybe, now listen, and please don’t laugh, just maybe…” “It’s magic?” Jered interrupted. Karen looked at him, “Yeah,” she said.

    Ana looked flabbergasted then burst into laughter. But as she realized they weren’t joining in she stopped.

    “Wait, are you guys serious?”

    Jered sighed, “Yeah we are.”

    She looked from, Jered to Karen, and back again.

    “Wait what?”

    Jered smiled “We, well at least I, think that maybe when Tim sank, he went into another world or something.”

    “That’s why we couldn’t follow, at least not yet anyway” Karen added.

    “I plan on going back tomorrow, and seeing if I can follow him,” Jered declared.

    Both girls looked at him questioningly, “And how do you plan on doing that?” Ana asked.

    Jered shrugged, “I don’t exactly know, I’m only guessing.”

    That night Jered snuck downstairs.

    He was heading for his mom’s room. It was only across the hall and Jered could see she wasn’t awake because no light spilled through the door frame. Sneaking up, he put his ear to the door and holding his breath, listened. It was silent, except the regular breathing, that told him she was asleep.

    He turned the handle and quietly opened the door. The full moon shone in through the open window illuminating the room and its occupant. There on the floor were the pants she had been wearing that day, the ones she had stuck the letter in. Jered searched the pockets and it didn’t take long to find the piece of paper. Then quickly he went out if the room and closed the door behind him.

    Running upstairs he sat on his bed and unfolded the letter.

    Jered sat there stunned, the letter was from his dad.

    Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉 I love you guys!

    #111283
    claire
    @claire-h

    @beth20

    Ooh, I like it! The suspense is building…

    a flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it.
    it just blooms.

    #111286
    Beth Darlene
    @beth20

    @claire-h

    Thanks!

    Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉 I love you guys!

    #111289
    Beth Darlene
    @beth20

    @claire-h

    Oh and one thing, did the dream he had make sense?

    Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉 I love you guys!

    #111312
    Eitan
    @eitan

    @beth20

    I really like it!

    The suspense is building…

    I couldn’t have said it any better.

    One note from me – I love that you didn’t introduced the man in the car as a character. It’s a good idea to not introduce to many characters at once, especially minor ones.

     

    Now, to the critique 🙂

     

    In his article ”A Writer’s Guide to Point of View”, Jerry Jenkins states that you should…

    Limit yourself to one Perspective Character per scene, preferably per chapter, ideally per book.

    In the first scene you jumped from Karen to Jered, which isn’t a very good idea…

     

    I had also a few problems with the punctuation.

     

    Before new quotation marks, place dot. For example, this:

    Both girls looked at him questioningly, “And how do you plan on doing that?” Ana asked.

    Jered shrugged, “I don’t exactly know, I’m only guessing.”

    Should’ve been:

    Both girls looked at him questioningly. “And how do you plan on doing that?” Ana asked.

    Jered shrugged. “I don’t exactly know, I’m only guessing.”

    I replaced the comma before the quotation marks with dots. It looks more elegant (at least, I think so. And maybe in English writing different way to punctuate is common, so compare my advise to how real English authors punctuate).

     

    You’ve really improved since the last chapter, and I really like the story. Keep writing. I’ll pray for you.

    You don't need to see the wind itself in order to hear the rustling leaves.

    #111326
    Beth Darlene
    @beth20

    @eitan

    Thank you! Yeah well, the man in the police car wasn’t really important lol. I had originally planned on him being more but….. you know, how stories change! haha

    Okay yeah, the POV thing makes sense! Though I change from character to character in my later chapters bc there are more characters lol! I think a normal chapter changes POV 4 times! Bc the characters aren’t all in the same spot and time so…yeah.

    Yeah, and the punctuation was a good spot too! Makes sense! I’ll definitely change that and look for it as I go! haha

     

    You’ve really improved since the last chapter, and I really like the story. Keep writing. I’ll pray for you.

    Thank you! I really think you and this whole site has really helped me!!

    I should thank @purpleturtle for telling me about this site too!

    -Beth

    Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉 I love you guys!

    #111329
    PurpleTurtle
    @purpleturtle

    @beth20,
    I really like it, especially like my sister said, I like the suspense. I am glad you are finding this site helpful!

    "It is not the strength of the body that counts but the strength of the spirit" ~ J.R.R. Tolkein

    #111332
    Beth Darlene
    @beth20

    @purpleturtle

    Thanks!

    Yes, loving this site!

    Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉 I love you guys!

    #112156
    Kristianne
    @kristianne-hassman

    @beth20

    I like it! I’m really getting into the story now 🙂 Just one thing: the point of view changes are confusing, especially toward the beginning. It’s best if you stick with just one point of view per chapter and if you want to change a point of view in a chapter, make sure to indicate it with something like   ***   between sections. You don’t need to worry about losing anything by sticking to just one point of view. You can still show all the scenes of the chapter; it’ll just be from one consistent angle (which makes the story feel more real).

    Courage, dear heart.

    #112177
    Beth Darlene
    @beth20

    @kristianne-hassman

    Thank you! Yeah, I tend to do that a lot lol! I’m trying not to though haha! I’ll have to post chapter tree on here in a little bit!

    Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉 I love you guys!

    #114095
    Mel
    @melodyjoy

    @beth20

    Hello!

    I can definitely see the improvement on this chapter in comparison to the last one! Great job!

    Kinda to copy what everyone else said (LOL LOL), lovin’ the suspense!

    Hey, have you posted the 3rd chapter yet. No rush, I asked that mainly because I wanna make sure I didn’t miss anything 🙂

    MEL

    Life is short, smile while you still have teeth!

    #114098
    Beth Darlene
    @beth20

    Thanks! I have not, I need to though lol!

    Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉 I love you guys!

    #114100
    Beth Darlene
    @beth20

    Oops forgot to tag you lol! @melodyjoy 😉

    Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉 I love you guys!

    #114230
    Kimmi
    @kimlikesart

    @beth20

    I love how you ended it!!!

     

    I might have a critique, (you don’t have to do anything about it, or, yeah, but)

    Can you describe their emotions more? Their actions? (sorry) But it felt like almost a complete dialogue.

    Were their stomachs roiling? Chests clenching? Breath coming in short gasps? Hands trembling? (Just an idea) 🙂

     

    Jominkreesa

    Passion = A Willingness To Suffer

    #114235
    Beth Darlene
    @beth20

    @kimlikesart

    Ooo good suggestion!! Thanks!

    Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉 I love you guys!

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