[Lona]

Hello all,

The basic version: I’m just looking for people who would be willing to critique some of my writing.

The more complicated version, for people who like extra details and fun backstory: I have a good friend who also writes. However, my friend and I have never shown each other our writing. Why? I don’t know. We’re both pretty reserved so maybe we just don’t want to be vulnerable like that. Anyways, my friend is graduating this year and as a going away gift I wanted to give him some of my writing. There is no possible way my story will be completed by then, but I figured I could give him something all the same. Of course, I want to make what I’ll give him as nice as I possibly can, and since it’s way less daunting to get people I don’t know to critique my writing than people I know in real life, here we are.

In summary: I’d really appreciate it if you’d read through the following, and then give me your honest feedback. What you like, don’t like, hate, etc. What I need to work on, if there’s grammatical errors, you know, whatever seems noteworthy to you. I tried to include a good variety in the pieces I chose (one dialogue, one narrative, one section of a poem), so that you wouldn’t have to try and critique everything based on a single scene.
—
The birds outside signaled the start of the day, their chirps and calls echoing through the woods and faintly across the house. The sun, at the bird’s cue, slipped over the forested horizon and sent a friendly ray streaming through Pariah’s window and onto her bed. She sat in this ray, letting herself be cloaked in warmth and gazing sleepily at the dust that danced before her.

A knock and then the familiar creaking of the old door snapped her from her trance.

“Oh, good morning, Hayen.” She said, looking towards the door.

Hayen, smiled and shut the door behind her. “Good morning to you, too.” She strode over to Pariah’s wardrobe, opened the swinging doors, and while musing over its contents, called over her shoulder, “And how did you sleep this past night? That was a mighty harsh storm we had but look at how pleasant it is now. Everything fresh and lively. I do like how things look after a good rain. You know?” Hayen sighed, gazing contentedly out the window. Something must have reminded her of what she had been doing because she quickly shook her head, mumbling something unintelligible.

Pariah simply nodded. She had learned nodding was the best way to acknowledge someone. It showed that one was listening, but it did not require one to try and and articulate their  own tangled thoughts.

With an armful of clothes held against her chest, Hayen bumped the doors of the wardrobe shut with her hip. One door did not quite make it and swung back aimlessly through the air. Hayen ignored it.

“Here are your things for today. I thought your yellow blouse would be suitable for the banquet later, but if you’d rather a different one then that’s just fine too.” Hayen spread out the lemon colored blouse across the foot of Pariah’s bed as she talked. Next to it she set a glaringly white skirt. Hayen looked up for Pariah’s vedict.

“They will be fine, thank you.” Pariah smiled.

“You know, Pariah, you are such a strange little creature.” Hayen laughed. “Like a bird- so delicate and fluttery, but you never sing. Tell me, birdie, why don’t you sing?”

Pariah shrugged, genuinely unsure how to answer.

Hayen laughed again and then pushed Pariah gently out of bed. “Come now, get dressed quickly or there won’t be any breakfast left for you.”

Pariah scampered up to do as she was told.
—
Time had two daughters: Life and Death. Life was energetic and vibrant, lighting up even the farthest corners of the universe with her very presence. Death was more reserved and tranquil, channeling her energy inward to her mind, to her thoughts and emotions.

Despite their differences in personality, the two sisters were great friends and spent their days wandering through the worlds and discussing any thought or theory that came to their attention. One day, Life had the idea that they should create creatures who could share in the joys of Life, and then later in the peace of Death. Death readily agreed, so the two sisters went to their father to ask for his permission. Time agreed, on the one condition that when he deemed it fitting, he would be the one to hand over the creature from Life’s hands into Death’s, so that no disputes should arise between the two over which creatures were whose. The sisters saw that this was reasonable and accepted their father’s terms
—

One day overcast by shadows grey

They say the dragons were at play

Their smoke and steam awoke

The cloak of storms then invoked

 

And across the horizon glossed

Through moss and waves it tossed

A ship, splitting, twisting, whipped

With a rip to shore she was flipped

 

One young boy chanced to see

The ship earlier sailing free

And at his confusion he turned

For within him a curiosity burned

 

This was no ship of Illian making

It lumbered and tripped, the dragons waking

It was huge, coarse, and plain

Cold indifference seeping through its veins

 

So, then taking stick in hand

And in mind, the ship from distant land

He went among the village folk

And of the strange occurrence spoke
—
This was really long; I’m sorry. Points to you if you read the entire thing. In the rare case that you enjoyed it and want to read more, or you just like to critique, then please let me know. I’d be happy to give you more. Anyways.

I hope you have a wonderful day. 🙂

• This topic was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by Lona.

[Kimmi]

@lonathecat

I liked the first and second sections the most, though, I sort of wish there was more to the second… It left me wandering. So good!

There seemed (personally) to be a lack of commas in the first section. And one comma where it shouldn’t have been. If you’d like I can point out each time I thought it could use/eliminate one.

Also, some of the things Hayan said seemed a bit modern for the feel of the piece. But that is a very minor thing I almost didn’t mention!

Again, they were good! Your friend is so lucky to get to see these things of yours. (: Maybe he would be interested in joining StoryEmbers?

I hope I was at least a little helpful! Thank you for sharing this with us.

Jominkreesa

Passion = A Willingness To Suffer

[Arindown (Gracie)]

@lonathecat

I liked it. Especially the one about Life and Death. I think you have something profound with picturing Death as peace, and not as something evil.

On the first story, there was once sentence that bugged me.

Lona wrote:

She strode over to Pariah’s wardrobe, opened the swinging doors, and while musing over its contents, called over her shoulder,

I would either cut the “called over her shoulder,” or put it after what she actually said. It might go a little smoother that way.

Hope that helps a bit! And…don’t be afraid to share your stories. I’ve found that although it makes you vulnerable, it also strengthens you.

Not all those who wander are lost.

[Lona]

@kimlikesart

Thank you! 😀

Ah yes. Commas. I have never gotten along with them. Eh well I suppose I will have to figure them out at some point so might as well try sooner rather than later.

Hm, ok good to know. I’ll switch up her vocabulary a bit to make it more fitting.

Maybe he would, but the point is for him not to see my writing until later, so I won’t be the one to tell him about Story Embers haha.

Yes, it was very helpful! Thank you again!

[Lona]

@arindown

Thanks for the feedback!

Yeah, now that you point it out, I’m wondering how I didn’t feel the clunkiness of that sentence earlier. Definitely going to fix that.

Thanks for the advice! 😀

• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by Lona.

[Mischievous Thwapling]

@lonathecat

That was awesome!! And don’t worry; to me, it wasn’t too long.  Once I posted something about maybe twice as long as your entire post on another website that shut down.. *glances apologetically at Wingiby Iggiby and Joelle Stone*

But anyway, yeah, I thought it was really good.  One thing I did notice was this:

Lona wrote:

“Oh, good morning, Hayen.” She said, looking towards the door.

.

I’m pretty sure that the punctuation would be:

” ‘Oh, good morning, Hayen,” she said, looking towards the door.’ ”

So just a comma instead of a period, then the S in she lowercase. 🙂 At least, I’m pretty sure that’s the rule… It’s what it says in my grammar book in school, and on the internet, so I think it should be right. 😀

But that was a delight to read, and I would like to see more!  Fantastic job!

If your dreams turn to dust... vacuum.
~Author Unknown

[Lona]

@mischievous-thwapling

Thank you!

And well, that makes me feel a little better about the length of it haha.

Ah, the commas strike again. Gracie mentioned I missed some other commas as well. Commas shall be the death of me. 😛

But I’m glad you liked it! Thanks again for the feedback!

[Mischievous Thwapling]

@lonathecat

Yes, commas are the death of me, too!! The nasty little things. XD

And yeah, no problem! It was actually really helpful for me to give feedback, ’cause I want to work on how I give critique. I’m kinda bad at it, lol.

If your dreams turn to dust... vacuum.
~Author Unknown

[Crazywriter]

I liked it. Personally the Life and Death leave me hungry for more, as does the story.

As a writer of poetry my self, i enjoyed your poem. I have written much longer, don’t worry.

Perhaps we should start a poetry page? I’d like to share some poetry as well!

[Lona]

@crazywriter

Thank you for your feedback!

A poetry forum sounds great. I’d love to see some of your poetry. 😀

• This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by Lona.

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