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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #123497
    Vivian Grant
    @vivian-grant

    Hello, all. I am in the process of creating a description for my short story, and would like some feedback on the current mockups. Seeing that the story is short, it is difficult for me to include more information without giving anything away. Advice on how to write compelling descriptions would also be welcome. 🙂
    So, which one catches your attention? Which one would compel you to read the story? The mockups are below.

     

    Every night, from dusk to dawn, Carmadyne town is invaded by deadly humanoids. In fear of the creatures, no person ventures from their homes until the sunrise.

     

    Wren is a nine-year-old girl living in the town of Carmadyne. She, and every other townsperson, cannot leave her home at night for fear of the creatures that quietly stalk the darkened streets.

     

    On the west coast of the country of Lebinit is a large port town called Carmadyne. This town is an unpopular import and export point due to the mystifying creatures that stalk its streets at night. They are called the Smilers.

    #123502
    Zee
    @zee

    What about something like, “Carmadyne seems like every other peaceful seaside town. But everything changes at sunset. That’s when the Smilers come out to hunt.”

    This description doesn’t include Wren, but if you wanted to, you could add her in, with something like, “Like every other human inhabitant of Carmadyne, nine-year-old Wren hides behind locked doors from dusk to dawn. Until the night she has no choice but to venture out…”

    #123537
    Ella
    @writergirl101

    @vivian-grant

    I think if you combined the first and second one to introduce Wren and the creatures, it would be more compelling.  I also like @zee ‘s suggestions.  Amazing concept!!!

    Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn.

    #123622
    Vivian Grant
    @vivian-grant

    @zee @writergirl101

    Thank you both for responding. I will be sure to consider your feedback and advice.

    #123702
    Vivian Grant
    @vivian-grant

    @zee @writergirl101

    Here is the revised version. What do you think?

    Every night, from dusk to dawn, Carmadyne town is invaded by mysterious humanoids. In fear of the creatures, no person ventures from their homes until the sunrise. Nine-year-old Wren complies with the curfew without questioning the reason behind it— until one night, when she decides to ask her nursemaid about the creatures.

    Also, would you guys be interested in beta reading the short story?

    #123704
    Ella
    @writergirl101

    @vivian-grant

    love it!!  Much better! 😉

    I’ll let you know if I’m free to beta read your short story—I have a pretty packed schedule at the moment.  I’d definitely be interested though!!! 😃

    Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn.

    #123709
    Vivian Grant
    @vivian-grant

    @writergirl101

    Thank you. I will leave a link to the story below for you whenever you have the time.

     

    https://www.dropbox.com/s/tsimipvyfeix7qf/The%20Smilers%20of%20Carmadyne.docx?dl=0

    #123711
    Ella
    @writergirl101

    @vivian-grant

    Great, thanks!

    Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn.

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