Fantasy Writers

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  • #123497
    Vivian Grant
    @vivian-grant

      Hello, all. I am in the process of creating a description for my short story, and would like some feedback on the current mockups. Seeing that the story is short, it is difficult for me to include more information without giving anything away. Advice on how to write compelling descriptions would also be welcome. 🙂
      So, which one catches your attention? Which one would compel you to read the story? The mockups are below.

       

      Every night, from dusk to dawn, Carmadyne town is invaded by deadly humanoids. In fear of the creatures, no person ventures from their homes until the sunrise.

       

      Wren is a nine-year-old girl living in the town of Carmadyne. She, and every other townsperson, cannot leave her home at night for fear of the creatures that quietly stalk the darkened streets.

       

      On the west coast of the country of Lebinit is a large port town called Carmadyne. This town is an unpopular import and export point due to the mystifying creatures that stalk its streets at night. They are called the Smilers.

      #123502
      Zee
      @zee

        What about something like, “Carmadyne seems like every other peaceful seaside town. But everything changes at sunset. That’s when the Smilers come out to hunt.”

        This description doesn’t include Wren, but if you wanted to, you could add her in, with something like, “Like every other human inhabitant of Carmadyne, nine-year-old Wren hides behind locked doors from dusk to dawn. Until the night she has no choice but to venture out…”

        #123537
        Ella
        @writergirl101

          @vivian-grant

          I think if you combined the first and second one to introduce Wren and the creatures, it would be more compelling.  I also like @zee ‘s suggestions.  Amazing concept!!!

          If something goes wrong in your life, yell "Plot twist!" and keep going. 😎🍰

          #123622
          Vivian Grant
          @vivian-grant

            @zee @writergirl101

            Thank you both for responding. I will be sure to consider your feedback and advice.

            #123702
            Vivian Grant
            @vivian-grant

              @zee @writergirl101

              Here is the revised version. What do you think?

              Every night, from dusk to dawn, Carmadyne town is invaded by mysterious humanoids. In fear of the creatures, no person ventures from their homes until the sunrise. Nine-year-old Wren complies with the curfew without questioning the reason behind it— until one night, when she decides to ask her nursemaid about the creatures.

              Also, would you guys be interested in beta reading the short story?

              • This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by Vivian Grant.
              #123704
              Ella
              @writergirl101

                @vivian-grant

                love it!!  Much better! 😉

                I’ll let you know if I’m free to beta read your short story—I have a pretty packed schedule at the moment.  I’d definitely be interested though!!! 😃

                If something goes wrong in your life, yell "Plot twist!" and keep going. 😎🍰

                #123709
                Vivian Grant
                @vivian-grant

                  @writergirl101

                  Thank you. I will leave a link to the story below for you whenever you have the time.

                   

                  https://www.dropbox.com/s/tsimipvyfeix7qf/The%20Smilers%20of%20Carmadyne.docx?dl=0

                  #123711
                  Ella
                  @writergirl101

                    @vivian-grant

                    Great, thanks!

                    If something goes wrong in your life, yell "Plot twist!" and keep going. 😎🍰

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