[R.M. Archer]

Hi, y’all.

I wrote up a blurb for my NaNoWriMo/Camp NaNoWriMo project and I’d appreciate some feedback on it, if anyone has a minute.

Dragon ink allows writers to set history in stone—or to change it. Duyên Lai has been admitted into the ranks of the calligraphers, authors considered trustworthy enough to defend time from those who would change it, and she’s thrilled to work with the others in her village.

But when Duyên’s guild is set upon by ancient dragons demanding a time-changer be destroyed, her world is turned upside down. Her guildmates have turned on each other, suspicion coloring their every move. To make matters worse, she’s begun hearing the dragons in her head and finds them impossible to block out: a condition that rendered her grandmother insane.

With the calligraphy guild in turmoil, and Duyên’s ever-present fear of insanity clouding her vision, will the group be able to discover which of their guildmates has altered time before the dragons pass judgement on them all?

Speculative fiction author. Mythology nerd. Worldbuilding enthusiast. Singer. Fan of classic literature.

[Naiya Dyani]

@r-m-archer *jumps in* Hiya! I’m distinctly no expert in this area (I’m terrified of the time I’ll have to make a blurb for my WIP), but I’ll do my best to help ya out with what I’ve got! 😉 I’ll copy your blurb below and put my suggestions in bold.

 

Dragon ink allows writers to set history in stone—or to change it. [maybe a different sentence structure to introduce your next sentence] Duyên Lai has been admitted into the ranks of the calligraphers, authors considered trustworthy enough to defend time from those who would change it, and she’s thrilled to work with the others in her village.  [Is there any bigger reason she wants to be a calligrapher? Because if there is, you might want to put that here. i.e., “When Duyen Lai is admitted. . . she (insert reason here).”]
But when Duyên’s guild is set upon by ancient dragons demanding a time-changer be destroyed, her world is turned upside down. Her guildmates have turned turn [keeping tenses consistent] on each other, suspicion coloring their every move. To make matters worse, she’s begun hearing the dragons in her head and finds them impossible to block out[–]a condition that rendered her grandmother insane.
With the calligraphy guild in turmoil [delete comma] and Duyên’s ever-present fear of insanity  clouding her vision, will the group be able to discover which of their guildmates has altered time before the dragons pass judgement on them all?

 

 

Hope that helped or at least sparked some ideas!

• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Naiya Dyani.

Hearts are like matter--they can be beaten down, torn, and burned, but they cannot be destroyed.

[Naiya Dyani]

Gack, for some reason it wouldn’t let me put in one of my suggestions. Here’s the last paragraph again:

 

With the calligraphy guild in turmoil [delete comma] and Duyên’s ever-present fear of insanity clouding her vision, will the group be able to discover which of their guildmates has altered time before the dragons pass judgement on them all?

 

 

Hearts are like matter--they can be beaten down, torn, and burned, but they cannot be destroyed.

[Naiya Dyani]

What. The heck. It’s still not working. I meant to suggest a synonym for insanity in the last paragraph to vary it. *facepalm* I don’t know why it’s doing this.

Hearts are like matter--they can be beaten down, torn, and burned, but they cannot be destroyed.

[R.M. Archer]

I had an entire response and then I edited it and it vanished. O-o

Speculative fiction author. Mythology nerd. Worldbuilding enthusiast. Singer. Fan of classic literature.

[R.M. Archer]

Thanks for the feedback! 😀

Naiya Dyani wrote:

Dragon ink allows writers to set history in stone—or to change it. [maybe a different sentence structure to introduce your next sentence]

I’ve been considering making this first line its own paragraph, sort of like a tagline, since it’s more backstory/separate relevant information than part of the description of the plot? I don’t know if that would fix this problem or read weird (or both or neither), but I figured it’s worth mentioning as an idea. 😛

Naiya Dyani wrote:

[Is there any bigger reason she wants to be a calligrapher? Because if there is, you might want to put that here. i.e., “When Duyen Lai is admitted. . . she (insert reason here).”]

If there isn’t, does it seem boring? :/ One of the things I really like and want to focus on in this story is that the characters are relatively normal people, for their world, in a normal community. (Thank you for the opportunity to write that out, because it hadn’t fully processed until now.) And then one of them is kind of stupid. The main character legitimately just loves writing and history and the people she works with.

Naiya Dyani wrote:

Her guildmates have turned turn [keeping tenses consistent] on each other

Oops. 😛

Naiya Dyani wrote:

What. The heck. It’s still not working. I meant to suggest a synonym for insanity in the last paragraph to vary it. *facepalm* I don’t know why it’s doing this.

*nods*

Speculative fiction author. Mythology nerd. Worldbuilding enthusiast. Singer. Fan of classic literature.

[Elisha Starquill]

@r-m-archer – Hi! Saw this a while back and I was very intrigued by your blurb! I am definitely no expert on writing them, but I did notice a few things about yours that I thought I’d mention. 🙂

Dragon ink allows writers to set history in stone—or to change it. This sounds like a great tag line! I also read it as one, so…yeah, I think it’d be a good idea to make it a separate line. 😉 Also, I would change ‘writers’ to whatever the official name for them is throughout the entire blurb, to keep everything consistent and clear. Is it calligraphers or time-changers?

Duyên Lai has been admitted into the ranks of the calligraphers, authors considered trustworthy enough to defend time from those who would change it, and she’s thrilled to work with the others in her village. This felt wordy to me. I would separate it into two sentences after ‘change it’ and perhaps add a bit more of her dreams/goals/something to the second sentence. Also, maybe you could consider using more active language? Like instead of saying ‘Duyên Lai has been admitted…’ you could write something like, ‘Duyên Lai’s greatest dream is fulfilled when she is admitted into…’

But when Duyên’s guild is set upon by ancient dragons demanding a time-changer be destroyed, her world is turned turns [different word or phrase, maybe? Since in the next sentence her guildmates also turn on each other] upside down. Her guildmates have turned on each other and suspicion colors ing their every move. To make matters worse, she‘s begun hearing the dragons starts to hear dragons in her head and finds them impossible to block out: a condition that rendered her grandmother insane. The first time I read this through, I was confused on how everything tied together and felt myself skimming. Again, I think some more active language (I tried adding some examples) would help. (By the way, the grandmother being insane part made me feel so excited. Not for the grandmother, but for the story. :P)

With the calligraphy guild in turmoil, and Duyên’s ever-present fear of insanity clouding her vision, will the group be able to discover which of their guildmates has altered time before the dragons pass judgement on them all? I have nothing to add here. Really love this paragraph. 😀

Good luck and I hope this helps!

(oops, I think I repeated some of Naiya’s edits. xD Sorry.)

"Moonlight drowns out all but the brightest stars." ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

[R.M. Archer]

@elisha-starquill Thank you! Here’s an updated version:

Dragon ink allows writers to set history in stone—or to change it. 

Duyên Lai’s dreams are realized when she’s admitted into the ranks of the calligraphers, authors considered trustworthy enough to defend time from those who would change it. She’s thrilled at the opportunity to record her country’s history, and to work with the other calligraphers in her village.

But when Duyên’s guild is set upon by ancient dragons demanding a time-changer be destroyed, her world is flipped upside down. Her guildmates turn on each other, suspicion coloring their every move. To make matters worse, she’s begun hearing the dragons in her head and finds them impossible to block out: a condition that rendered her grandmother insane.

With the calligraphy guild in turmoil and Duyên’s ever-present fear of madness clouding her vision, will the group be able to discover which of their guildmates has altered time before the dragons pass judgement on them all?

(@naiya-dyani)

Speculative fiction author. Mythology nerd. Worldbuilding enthusiast. Singer. Fan of classic literature.

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