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“Which You Have Ordained” Critique
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Hey all! I wrote a story for the past SE contest, and as it didn’t place, I’d like to submit it for regular SE publishing. I’ve edited it to the point I need fresh eyes to progress further, and would be grateful for your help!
The story is about 5K words long and made of eight scenes. I would appreciate your comments at the end of each scene as to your reaction and opinions regarding that scene.
Here it is. Thanks in advance!
"...the one with whom he so sought to talk has already interceded for him." -The Master and Margarita
@taylorclogston I’m not good at critiquing short stories since my mind’s wired for longer ones but…I’m all for writing about the hard stuff and wow. I loved and hated that all at the same time in such a good way. Keep it up.
I ask where he got these crazy ideas anyway
He just smiles and says, it’s the way that I was raised@wolverinerm Good at critiquing or not, I welcome any criticism or opinions you have! Thanks so much, though. “Loved and hated” is the exact response I’m going for =P
"...the one with whom he so sought to talk has already interceded for him." -The Master and Margarita
I think your story was good, maybe you could add a little bit more to the scene at the funeral, it was really short but beside that, I thought it was pretty good. In a really sad way.
Knowledge is having the right answer.
Intelligence is asking the right question.
INFP@gabrielwoods Thank you! What do you think the funeral scene needs to be more complete?
"...the one with whom he so sought to talk has already interceded for him." -The Master and Margarita
@taylorclogston I think that you should mention more of his surroundings, and maybe something about the service. Perhaps have him think that something the pastor said would contradict his secret.
but I think that you wouldn’t necessarily have to add anything. It’s up to you
Knowledge is having the right answer.
Intelligence is asking the right question.
INFPI would look at repeated words within the same sentence or paragraph. I feel you are trying to do this for emphasis, but it comes off as a little distracting. Try to eliminate unnecessary words to tighten the story. Press on in your writing!
@jeremydvance Thank you for the advice!
"...the one with whom he so sought to talk has already interceded for him." -The Master and Margarita
@taylorclogston woooow that was way better than anything i could write! Pretty good!
Though.. you didn’t do much of my fav part of writing..
@taylorclogston Wow! I was completely drawn into your story. Like I only meant to open the document and glance at it but ended up reading feverishly to the end in a few minutes lol. Some grammar stuff and misspelled words distracted me every once in a while, but the idea and your development of it were solid and captivating. Do you read through your stories out loud after you’ve finished writing? If not that might be a good exercise to polish things up and make sure everything sounds right. Thanks for sharing this! I really enjoyed it 😀
I'm nobody, Who are you? -Emily Dickinson 뜻이 있는 곳에 길이 있다.
@katthewriter Thanks! What part of writing did I miss?
@caseybold Thank you! Glad to hear it caught your interest. Would you mind sharing the mechanical mistakes? And thanks for the reading out loud advice! It’s a fantastic technique."...the one with whom he so sought to talk has already interceded for him." -The Master and Margarita
Lots of description and show don’t tell! (That’s like Daeus’ fav) You had some, but maybe its just me that puts it all over? Idk….
First week without my friend…
@taylorclogston sure! I went into Docs and left a few suggestions. While there I realized the misspellings weren’t yours, so I apologize for saying that. I really loved your style of telling the story, and I hope you don’t change it too much 😀 Good luck!
I'm nobody, Who are you? -Emily Dickinson 뜻이 있는 곳에 길이 있다.
@katthewriter I gotcha. Thanks for the advice!
@caseybold I super appreciate the notes. Thank you so much."...the one with whom he so sought to talk has already interceded for him." -The Master and Margarita
Thank you again to everyone who helped, especially @deeprun and @caseybold. I finished my final edit tonight, and submitted the manuscript. Fingers crossed =P
"...the one with whom he so sought to talk has already interceded for him." -The Master and Margarita
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