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Contemporary Fiction Writers

My Story (without a title) Chapter 1 first half

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  • #114231
    Mel
    @melodyjoy

    @beth20 @devastate-lasting @arindown @emberynus-the-dragonslayer @eden-anderson @emma-starr @wolverinerm @chalice @claire-h @olivia @eitan @vic

    Hey guys!

    Yeah I know. I tagged like a billion people. LOL. But I want all of ya to read it! 🙂

    If I didn’t tag you FEEL FREE to read and comment! (In fact, please do 🙂 )

    (for all you who I told I would be posting, sorry, it took a little while… lol but here it is!)

    This is the first half of the first chapter in the story that I recently started writing.

    Here is the premise:

    Chloe Loran worked at a daycare till a horrific car accident seriously injured her. Struggling with depression, guilt, and many serious physical issues, she must turn to God for help with her relationships and her physical and emotional needs.

    And here is the first half of the first chapter! :

    ————————————————————————————————-

    I fumbled with my keys. They just seemed to slip out of my grasp. I sighed and set my bag down. Why can’t I find the right key? The lights in the hallway weren’t very bright and it didn’t help that I was worn out from work. Today seemed to be extra stressful. I stopped my worries from distracting me and looked at my keys. There it is!

    I unlocked the door to my apartment and dropped the keys down on the counter. Wow! Today was a long day. My job is exhausting.

    My cat, Belle, jumped off of the top of the sofa and rubbed against my legs. I could feel her soft purr vibrating her whole body.

    “Hey, kitty. Yeah, I’m excited to see you too.”

    I pulled a boxed dinner from the freezer and placed it in the microwave. I stood there waiting for the satisfying ding of the timer that would announce my finished meal. A few minutes later, I was seated comfortably on the couch, eating and reading my favorite novel. Boxed chicken didn’t taste the greatest compared to my mom’s cooking, but it was the only thing I had available to eat at that moment.

    Since work took up most of my day, and wore me out, I didn’t have the time or the energy to do a lot of things, like cooking a nice meal. That didn’t really bother me. I enjoyed how consistent my life was, but I wasn’t exactly happy. Most people saw me hardworking and fun-loving, but overall quiet and reserved. I didn’t really share my problems with others. Instead, I kept them shut away inside, thinking about them as little as possible. Working at a daycare helped me do that. I loved working with children. Every day, something totally new and exciting happened. I had worked at the daycare since I had graduated from college, so almost a year and a half had passed.

    A knock at the door startled me out of my thoughts. I quickly disposed of my empty dinner container, tucked a few stray hairs behind my ear and smoothed out some wrinkles in my shirt. I probably look like a wreck.

    I unlocked the door and opened it a crack. Oh my word! Was not expecting him to come by.

    “Hello Lucas!” I said, a smile lighting up my face. “Come on in.”

    “Thanks Chloe!”

    “Don’t mind the mess,” I said sheepishly. “I’ve been really busy.”

    “That’s not a problem.” He chuckled and then said, “I really don’t care.”

    That was one of the things I enjoyed about Lucas. He was so easy-going and calm. “We can sit on the couch. Do you want something to drink? I have some Coke.” “You know me too well,” he chuckled again. “I love Coke. Thanks.”

    “Yeah.” I went over to the couch, set my book on the table, and moved the cat onto the floor. “Here, make yourself at home. I’ll grab the sodas.”

    I pulled two cans of coke out of the fridge while Lucas sat down on the couch. I enjoyed when he stopped by my apartment, even though sometimes he didn’t let me know which meant I wasn’t prepared at all, kind of like this time. But I wasn’t stressed out when he was around, so it made his company enjoyable. We had known each other for almost a year. We met at a single’s retreat at our church. At the time, he hadn’t been a part of our church until a month before.

    He worked at a hardware store a couple of blocks from my apartment, and his house was not more than a few minutes away either, so it made things convenient.

    I dumped the coke into two glasses and sat down next to Lucas.

    “Thank you,” he said. “So, what’s up?”

    “Mostly just work. It’s taken up most of my time recently. You?”

    “Well, same here. I’ve worked till after six o’clock every day this week. We’ve done a little bit of reorganizing in the shop so it’s been pretty hectic.”

    “This week has been crazy because most of the kids that don’t always come were here this week. Caring for so many kids is strenuous. But I mean, I love this job, and I knew when I started what working with kids is like.” I paused for a second. “Do you wanna play chess? Just wondering. It’s a great way to pass time.”

    “Sure, but I know you’ll beat me. You seem to forget that this isn’t the first time we’ve played.” I could see the twinkle in his eyes.

    “Well, you do have a point. Though, maybe this time you’ll have a stroke of luck.”

    “I highly doubt that Chloe, but come on, let’s get to it.”

    The time passed much more quickly than either of us expected. At the end of the round, I checked the time. Both of us were shocked that it was already 9:30.

    “Wow. I should probably head out. Don’t want you to be too tired tomorrow only because you didn’t go to bed on time because of me.”

    “Lucas, it’s not that late and I am 26 years old. Don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine. But, thanks for coming. My day didn’t exactly go smooth, but I had such a pleasant evening with you. Thank you.”

    “I enjoyed it too. Umm, just call me if you need anything. I’ll see you Sunday,” he said.

    He gave me a quick hug before he said goodbye and left.

    I fed my cat and then prepared to go to bed. It was nice to go to bed on time. It was something I didn’t do often.

    I crawled into bed a few moments later and fell asleep.
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>    ***</p>
    ————————————————————————————————-

    Thanks for reading (lol).

    I still have about 500 words to write in this chapter (depending). I’ll try to get it posted this week. We’ll see 🙂

    PLEASE give comments. I would love to know what I can improve. And let me know if anything is too “awkward” or not written correctly 🙂

    Thanks!

    MELODY

    Life is short, smile while you still have teeth!

    #114237
    Emberynus The Dragonslayer
    @emberynus-the-dragonslayer

    @melodyjoy

    Sounds like a really cool story! I love it. I haven’t reread it yet, I’ll let you know if I find anything wrong with it.

    Sold souls and dead promises

    #114238
    Linyang Zhang
    @devastate-lasting

    @melodyjoy I like your writing voice! It’s very clear and consistent. One thing that I think would help is, since you’re writing in first person, I don’t think there’s any needs to bring in italicized thoughts. Just change them to more inner monologue. I think that would smooth it out. Otherwise, nice job! 🙂

    "I set a melody upon the scenery I saw outside my window;
    It's beginning in my spacy world."
    - TK

    #114321
    Beth Darlene
    @beth20

    Awesome I’ll try and read this soonly! Thanks for the tag!

    Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉 I love you guys!

    #114327
    WolverineRM
    @wolverinerm

    @melodyjoy Thanks so much for tagging me!!

    I love how real this feels, like I just watched Chloe doing all this stuff. And I totally feel for her in some people just not being draining. 😅

    Honestly, the only thing I can think to change is smoothing out a couple places…

    “I pulled a boxed dinner from the freezer and placed it in the microwave. I stood there waiting for the satisfying ding…” to “I pulled a boxed dinner from the freezer and placed it in the microwave, then stood there waiting for the satisfying ding…”

    “We met at a single’s retreat at our church. At the time, he hadn’t been a part of our church until a month before,” to “We met at a single’s retreat at our church, where he’d started attending a month before,” or something like that.

    Tag me when you post more!!

    I ask where he got these crazy ideas anyway
    He just smiles and says, it’s the way that I was raised

    #114333
    Beth Darlene
    @beth20

    @devastate-lasting

    Really? I always use italisized thoughts, third or first person.


    @melodyjoy

    Really liked it! If you post more be sure to tag me!

    Just some things I noticed.

    When you said, I probably look like a wreck.  You didn’t italicize it. If you follow Linyang’s advise, then you don’t have to italicize it. But, you have to keep it consistent lol! 

    And the other thing…

    That was one of the things I enjoyed about Lucas. He was so easy-going and calm. “We can sit on the couch. Do you want something to drink? I have some Coke.” “You know me too well,” he chuckled again. “I love Coke. Thanks.”

    You didn’t break it up. 

    Other than that I thought it was good!

    -Beth

    Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉 I love you guys!

    #114350
    Arindown (Gracie)
    @arindown

    @melodyjoy

    Thanks for tagging me! I didn’t read it until now, and I thought it was really good.😄 It’s a first draft, and everyone else had good suggestions, so it’ll smooth out. Can’t wait to read more.

    Not all those who wander are lost.

    #114412
    Mel
    @melodyjoy

    @devastate-lasting

    Well, I usually write in first person and still use thoughts. I had this big long thing in my brain about like since I am writing in past tense and the thought is present. idk haha it was random


    @beth20

    It didn’t italicize the wreck sentence (lol) because I copied and pasted from my document and italics never transfer. I must have missed it! Thanks for letting me know tho!

    And that part I didn’t break up, I hadn’t broken up anything when I first started writing and then I went back through and changed it. I must have missed that part too lol

    Thanks!


    @wolverinerm

    Thanks for the suggestions. Those were really helpful. I’m working on smoothing out things in all of my writings lol

    Thanks!

    Life is short, smile while you still have teeth!

    #114425
    Linyang Zhang
    @devastate-lasting

    @melodyjoy Oh okay I see. Different tenses would make a difference *thumbs up*

    "I set a melody upon the scenery I saw outside my window;
    It's beginning in my spacy world."
    - TK

    #114426
    Mel
    @melodyjoy

    @devastate-lasting

    Yup!

    Thanks!

    MEL

    Life is short, smile while you still have teeth!

    #114429
    Beth Darlene
    @beth20

    @melodyjoy

    Haha totally get that!! Happens to me a lot lol! 😉

    Jominkreesa! For the weirdos who know what it means! 😉 I love you guys!

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