fb

Would you like to read a fun story?

Forums Fiction General Writing Discussions Would you like to read a fun story?

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #45868
    Buddy J.
    @wordsmith

    Hey peeps! I just posted the next story for my blog and would be really grateful for you to read it and bring back feedback (positive and critical)!

    Thanks!

    Fight For Thargonos

    Published author, reader of many books, Student in writing, and Lumenite!

    #45869
    Buddy J.
    @wordsmith

    It is directly related to the last one which I encourage you to read if you haven’t already.

    Published author, reader of many books, Student in writing, and Lumenite!

    #46513
    Anne of Lothlorien
    @anne-of-lothlorien

    @wordsmith – hey, you use the words ‘peeps’? I thought I was the only one who did that.

    I saved the story to read at home. I’ll bring back my thoughts next week. Hopefully.

    I also saved a story, The Static Touch, I think? That’s one to read before this, right? Or does it matter?

    *shrugs* I probably won’t see your answer anyways before I read them, so I’ll just read TST first.

    I'm short, I like words, and I love people.
    No, I didn't draw my profile pic.

    #46517
    Buddy J.
    @wordsmith

    @anne-of-lothlorien

    Hey! Yes, “peeps” is a word I learned from my sister (my dear sister).

    Cool! And yes, The Static Touch comes first.

    Published author, reader of many books, Student in writing, and Lumenite!

    #46518
    Anne of Lothlorien
    @anne-of-lothlorien

    @wordsmith

    Funny 🙂

    All right, thanks!

    Nice new pic, by the way.

    I'm short, I like words, and I love people.
    No, I didn't draw my profile pic.

    #46520
    Buddy J.
    @wordsmith

    @anne-of-lothlorien

    Thank you!

     

    Published author, reader of many books, Student in writing, and Lumenite!

    #46869
    Anne of Lothlorien
    @anne-of-lothlorien

    @wordsmith – So, um, this is rather large post, so hopefully that’s okay. *nervous glance* I tend to get over-obsessive in reviewing things.

    Here are my thoughts on the story – (Great job, by the way, I didn’t find much I’d alter – most of these are just grammatical corrections. I don’t know if you were looking for grammar or more story line and character evaluations, but it turned out to be mostly grammar. *shrugs* Static Touch was awesome too, and even though I know it’s already out on your blog, I also put a few comments on that in here, if that’s okay. If it isn’t, oops and sincerest apologies.)

    Um, I know this would be a major change, even more if you’ve published it somewhere, but what about changing the name from ‘Fight For Thargonos’ to ‘Battle For Thargonos’. Or is it supposed to be ‘fight’ as in the verb, meaning ‘go to war for Thargonos’? If it’s a noun referring to a conflict or battle, then I would suggest changing to ‘battle’. And don’t take my word for this, because I really don’t know for sure, but if it was ‘fight’ as in ‘go to war’ the verb, then I believe ‘for’ in the title should not be capitalized. But I’m not really sure. I’ve never been sure on when you’re supposed to be capitalizing small words like that in titles.

    1 – This is just a picky thing, but you have the phrase ‘watch my own back’ three or four times within the third and fourth paragraphs. Is there a way you can rephrase one or two of those instances a bit? It’s slightly repetitive.

    2  –  I think this ‘misting the air, fogging my glasses’, should probably be changed to ‘misting the air and fogging my glasses’, to make for smoother reading.

    General Observation – You said The Static Touch was to be read before this, but then this scene is from an earlier date in the story. That was your intention? To give a flashback scene, or something of that like?

    3  –  Fifth paragraph – I would change ‘and not forgiving’ to ‘and unforgiving’.

    4  –  Ninth paragraph – when you’re naming the teams, I believe they would all be capitalized. ‘Teams Alpha, Beta, and Gamma are in place. Team Delta, Pleiades and I…’ This goes for the other times you mention them in the story.

    4.5 (Because I added this later and didn’t want to change all my numbers 😊) – I think ‘To kill the malicious man is an unneeded sentence. It’s unnecessarily repetitive in my opinion.

    5  –  Twelfth paragraph – I believe there should not be a comma here – ‘country, through my’. Just ‘country through my’.

    6  –  Thirteenth paragraph – This sentence is worded slightly confusedly – ‘A suit of red metal weave plates covers him from head to toe, interlocking.’ I would suggest changing it to ‘A suit of interlocking red metal weave plates cover him from head to toe.’ Also, if ‘metal weave’ is a type of material it’s made of, it sounds like it should be a hyphenated name – ‘metal-weave’. Or it should possibly be weave-plates, depending on what this substance of his suit really is.

    7.5 – Twenty-fourth paragraph – This sentence and fragment should probably be joined – ‘I lift my hands. But at only half the pace as my enemy’ into ‘I lift my hands, but at only half the pace as my enemy.’ Which brings me to a point…

    General Observation – You use a lot of fragmented sentences and sentences beginning in prepositions, such as ‘but’ or ‘and’. This is technically acceptable since this is not formal writing, like an essay, but one should try to limit the number you use. I would suggest looking through and attempting to join some fragments to previous sentences, join them with other fragments, or turn them into full sentences, which would also help eliminate your sentences beginning in prepositions. I have a tough time with this too, especially because I love the broken story line feel fragments give, but it’s not really the greatest thing. Too much can sometimes look like sloppy writing.

    7  –  Twenty-seventh paragraph – I believe you meant to add the word ‘a’ here – ‘into pitch black tunnel’ should be ‘into a pitch black tunnel’, plus pitch black should be hyphenated – ‘pitch-black’.

    7.5 – Thirtieth paragraph – ‘I got bad during an appointment’ sounds like it’s needs more clarification and description, just a little. The way it is now could be taken to mean health-wise, as in he became ill. Maybe you could change it to ‘grew angry’, or ‘misbehaved’, or something a little more definitive.

    8  –  Thirty-first paragraph – There’s an extra comma here – ‘lying on the ground, is a clear image.’ – It should be ‘lying on the ground is a clear image.’ (No offense, but do you have trouble remembering where commas should be placed? I’ve never had much trouble, which I suppose is good for reviewing stories like this)

    General Observation – When he’s screaming that he’s not a killer, is that in the flashback or in real time, in the sewer? The whole paragraph might need a little respacing out, because if that’s in the present, and so is seeing the image of his mother, then the next part about what happened after she died should be its own paragraph.

    9  –  Thirty-third paragraph – There’s no need for the space in ‘halfway’. You have it written ‘half way’. And I think the phrase ‘and half not’ is extraneous. If you’re half in obviously the rest of you is half out. 😊

    10  –  I don’t think you need the two commas before and after this phrase ‘sitting in the water’. It can look awkward and run-on-y, but I believe it’s correct without them.

    11  –  Thirty-fourth paragraph – I would change the second ‘again’ to ‘once more’, then join the sentence with the next one, so it’d look like this. ‘When my head clears again, I go to stand up once more, but somehow I’m already there, one hand against the wall.’ It’s also another instance you can eliminate a preposition starting a sentence.

    12  –  Thirty-fifth paragraph – A comma is needed here, ‘a deep breath letting pain clear’, so it becomes, ‘a deep breath, letting pain clear’.

    13  –   Thirty-sixth paragraph – This sentence – ‘If only I had it, I would have been fast enough to save Pleiades…’ –  You should probably change it to ‘I still had’ or ‘I’d had’ to indicate that he was mourning an event already in passing. Plus, I would switch this – ‘But as a boy I gave it up along with my mother.’ to this ‘But I’d given it up along with my mother.’ and join it with the previous sentence so it would look something like this – ‘If only I still had it, I would have been fast enough to save Pleiades… but I’d given it up along with my mother.’ The ‘b’ in ‘but’ doesn’t need to be capitalized.

    General Observation – Would it really have helped him be faster if he’d had his lightning? How would the electric powers help him defeat someone really fast? Maybe just have him generally observe that it might have helped him, not definitely saved his friend. Something like, ‘If only I still had it, maybe I could have saved Pleiades…’

    13 – Thirty-seventh paragraph – I would cut the sentence ‘My eyes open once more’. Once more indicates that he has been doing it before, and of course he has, because you always open your eyes, unless you’re dead. It seems like an unneeded sentence. Since it would go from praying right into his musings on what he needs to do next, I understand if you want a little separation to say he’s done praying.

    General Observations – Saying ‘Now I have a job to finish. Now I have a role to fulfill.’ seems a little off to me. Did he not have one before? Is it only now he has a purpose, even though he was part of a team before? Maybe consider just cutting both the ‘now’s’. Or maybe even just saying ‘I have a job to finish’, without the ‘role to fulfill’ sentence. What role is that referring to? Usually someone gives you a role to fulfill. Is it just ‘bad guy slayer’?

    14 – Last paragraph – You don’t need to capitalize ‘the’ in ‘The last Upholder.’

     

    The Static Touch –

    I’m not going to bother with looking for grammar corrections with this one, I just have two questions about the story.

    1 – When you say that Swift/Professor Whatever was ‘preparing to move at the super speed we all know he can’, would he have really revealed his super speed to his class if there was a villain at loose who also used super-speed? It would seem a little risky to me.

    2 – My biggest and most confusing question, which I’ve puzzled on for a while and still can’t figure out, is why would the other students feel angry? Why does Swift/Professor say Orion is betraying them? If he’s exposing their teacher as a villain, then why would they be mad? How is that betrayal? Or… is this somehow a school for villains and they don’t want Swift to be arrested, because they’re on his side and Orion was just undercover? That was just an off-the-top-of-my-head explanation my mind was thinking of. If that happens to be true, that the students are on the villain’s side knowingly, then it’s a little confusing in the story, because you don’t make the reason clear.

    If you only respond to one thing, would you please respond to this? It’s actually kind of driving me crazy. I hate when I can’t get something in a story that I feel is supposed to be there.

     

    So… yeah, those are my thoughts. Sorry if this was just a picking on commas overload and that’s not what you wanted, but that’s mostly what I saw. There were only a few story-line and premise things I could think of that might need work. Overall, a very interesting story. Are these the only two you’ve written for Thargonos? (That’s probably the weirdest word I’ve ever added to my computer’s dictionary so that it won’t red squiggle line me 😊) I see other stories on your blog, I just haven’t read any more of them yet. Can’t wait for more Orion adventures!

    (Am I the only one who would find it odd that I just went back and edited my editing notes?) 😊

    I'm short, I like words, and I love people.
    No, I didn't draw my profile pic.

    #46994
    Buddy J.
    @wordsmith

    @anne-of-lothlorien

    Thanks! That was helpful.

    I took some of your suggestions, half of others, and none of certain ones.

    The word “Fight” holds a ring that I prefer due to its connotation.

    To answer your first general observation, it’s a prequel.

    To answer your second, yes. I use a lot of fragmented sentences. It’s a way of adding a certain chaos by applying my words in such a way as to make the visual feel fragmented. So to a large degree I want to keep that.

    To answer your third general observation… I’ll mostly leave that as is. I tested a few different things and didn’t like them quite as much.

    In reply to your fourth general observation: Yes… think about how quickly lightning moves. For one, the lightning has no been on the surface for a very long time, it only came up in reaction to him almost dying. He had suppressed it. The lighting itself is the showing of his power. When he suppressed his power, it’s not surging and thus the arc of lightning will not be seen.

    And I see what you’re saying about the “now”s, but due to what I’m writing, I disagree as the author 🙂

     

    About Static Touch…

    Honestly it might be risky… But remember that I’m writing a superhero opera… I set the short story up under the presupposition that he did it successfully… though with the possibility that such a thing could be discussed in later stories. I can give you an explanation, but I don’t think it’s necessary.

    And to your last question… Keldon is obviously one of the “stars” at his school (and not without merit). imagine if he was your best friend… and you learn that really that relationship was a coverup for something that might look like revenge, or just to take down a bad guy. Furthermore this guy’s job description means that you probably will never get to see your best friend again, under the circumstances of him being an Upholder. You realize that this person has a past life, that very well may suck him away.

    Now these may not cross your mind right away, but they might. And if the villain can pull something that will make someone hesitate, he gets a sudden advantage. Does that make sense?

     

    Published author, reader of many books, Student in writing, and Lumenite!

    #46995
    Buddy J.
    @wordsmith

    Thanks for reading it! I’m glad you enjoyed, and look forward to more discussion.

    Published author, reader of many books, Student in writing, and Lumenite!

    #46999
    Buddy J.
    @wordsmith

    And yes… I tend to be liberal with commas. As I told another friend of mine: “They add comfort to my soul.”

    Published author, reader of many books, Student in writing, and Lumenite!

    #47414
    Anne of Lothlorien
    @anne-of-lothlorien

    @wordsmith

    You’re welcome! I don’t usually have time to review my friends’ works, so this was nice to do. And it was nice that it was shorter too, cause I wouldn’t have had time for a longer one. Well… no, I wouldn’t have.

    Keldon/Orion’s ‘betrayal’ of them does make more sense now… I just think that if it were me, what seems to be the first thing that would come to my head would be ‘Oh, Keldon said this is a bad guy, let’s get him!’ I don’t know if the whole things about him using a fake personality for a job and maybe his whole friendship with me was a fake would have occurred to me until later… But thanks for explaining it! It makes a lot more sense now.

    About commas… I get that they add comfort to your soul. That would be ellipsis points for me. Ha, if you look at just this comment alone, I have… five sets, including the ones I just did. But even though we enjoy putting those grammatical additions in, sometimes they can not always be proper. As in the basic rules of sentences don’t require them. But yes, I know how hard it is to keep your favorite punctuation marks out of a story. 🙂

    I'm short, I like words, and I love people.
    No, I didn't draw my profile pic.

    #47420
    Buddy J.
    @wordsmith

    @anne-of-lothlorien

    You took your profile down? 🙁

    Totally understand not having the wherewithal to help  out a lot… I have a tendancy to swamp myself with editing/feedback projects.

    And I’m glad to hear that… I wasn’t 100% sure how well it would work, but I was happy with the end result.

    And although commas do add comfort to my soul, the ellipse does as well. When instant messaging I use the ellipise and exclamation more than the period. 😄

    Published author, reader of many books, Student in writing, and Lumenite!

    #47421
    Anne of Lothlorien
    @anne-of-lothlorien

    @wordsmith

    I… did not know my profile pic was down… Okay… Um, I’m gonna go curse technology and try to fix that at the same time.

    Yes, when my three closest friends and I DM with Hangouts, on Google, it’s half all caps letters, exclamation marks and emojis. 😀

    I'm short, I like words, and I love people.
    No, I didn't draw my profile pic.

    #47423
    Anne of Lothlorien
    @anne-of-lothlorien

    Um… help? When I went to my account to put the pictures back up, they’re already there. They’re showing up in my own ‘change your profile’ page, but not here… @daeus-lamb @hope Any ideas on how to fix my technical problem?

    I'm short, I like words, and I love people.
    No, I didn't draw my profile pic.

    #47424
    Anne of Lothlorien
    @anne-of-lothlorien

    @hope-ann

    I'm short, I like words, and I love people.
    No, I didn't draw my profile pic.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.