Unrealistic Character?

Forums Fiction Characters Unrealistic Character?

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  • #106684
    The Writing Gremlin
    @banana-peacock-warrior

      Hello, everyone! This is the Writing Gremlin (the reason I am on Banana Peacock Warrior’s account is explained in my introduction post in the ‘Introduce Yourself’ forum. ;))

      The other gremlins have recently been making fun of me for a scene in one of my stories (here’s some background- it’s based off the true story of a friend of mine who traveled from the underworld of the gremlins to the upperworld of the humans). My friends are saying that one of the characters is completely unrealistic and that they don’t like him because he is grumpy. But he is supposed to be grumpy. Here is an excerpt from the scene:

        “There! See him up on the hill?” Kaleb turned to me, jittery. “It is Purtick; come on, let’s go another way.”
        I turned to look up the grassy slope and saw the guy, sitting with his arms crossed and staring at the path ahead of us as if just waiting to pounce on whoever came that way. “What is he doing?”
        “Guarding the way,” Kaleb said, pulling me off the path and into the bushes. “He does not do it based off of any obligation- he just cannot stand anyone getting past. We must go another way.”
        “We cannot get past him?”
        “No- no one has.”
        I stared at Purtick, sitting like a rock, then my mind flashed back to the wizard’s warning: “The way will be long and hard; you must remain strong to brave it.”
        “Kaleb,” I said, “let’s ask Purtick to come along.”
        Kaleb stared at me as if I were crazy. “What? None have ever talked to Purtick; only been sent running with a bloody lip!”
        I stood from the bushes nonetheless. “Come on; he is only a gremlin like us. If we are going to make it past the dragons ahead and make it to the upperworld, we need someone like him.”
        Kaleb, after a shake of the head and a sigh, rose and followed my steps as I started to make my way to the path… then up the hill. Purtick gave us a scowl, but didn’t move, as if waiting for me to get close enough.
        “Purtick, I presume?” I asked, extending my spindly fingers in the typical greeting. He gave a grunt and did not acknowledge the gesture. I took a deep breath and continued. “My friend and I must get past this hill on our way to the upperworld. Will you let us pass?”
        “No.”
        “Well, that’s it. Let’s go!” Kaleb said, but when I didn’t follow he stopped.
        “Why not?” I asked the stony fellow.
        “No reason.”
        “None at all?”
        “No.”
        “Well… how would you like to come on our adventure with us?”
        His eyes twinkled. “Will we fight dragons?”
        “N-” I stopped Kaleb with a stare and said, “Probably. And I will tell you what: you can do all the fighting.”
        “I’m in.”
        And that is how our company acquired Purtick.

      My gremlin friends have said they hated it, especially the last part, but it can be fixed, can it not? However, I am not sure what needs fixing. I am sure I COULD ask BPW, but then she would find out I was using her computer. Perhaps you friends can help me?


      @urwen-starial
      , @esmeralda-gramilton, @mayacat, @emberynus-the-dragonslayer, @abigail-rebekah, @evelyn

      “When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.”
      ‭‭Psalm‬ ‭94:19‬ ‭

      #106801
      Abigail Rebekah
      @abigail-rebekah

        @banana-peacock-warrior

        I think it works fine 🙂 It’s cool xD

        The only thing I would say is that you might want to keep him grumpy for a little bit longer, so he doesn’t become ‘nice’ too quickly 😉

        That’s just a suggestion tho xD

        ~ Laugh. Drink Coffee. Smile. And Write ~

        #106804
        Esmeralda Gramilton
        @esmeralda-gramilton

          It’s really good, actually. I would suggest making Purtick at least pretend to be a little hesitant, so that he’s not quite so friendly right away, but it’s really good!

          I love gremlins now. Except that they don’t like dragons, because I do. No offense meant.

          “No-one can judge your worth; They can only influence the judgement of your worth.” ~Elysso

          #106872
          Emberynus The Dragonslayer
          @emberynus-the-dragonslayer

          @banana-peacock-warrior

          Yeah. I agree with @abigail-rebekah and @esmeralda-gramilton. It’s good, it’s just that the transition from grumpiness to niceness is too sudden. 🙂

          It is really good though.

          Sleep doesn't help if it's your soul that's tired.

          #107175
          Hope McClellan
          @hope-mcclellan

            @banana-peacock-warrior

            I was not tagged, but I hope you don’t mind if I give some input here. I personally like it a lot! Kaleb has a fun personality. You were able to tell me a lot just in that short excerpt. Overall, really well written!

            I would agree with the others that the switch was a little too sudden, but I would like to expand on that a little more. You want to make sure that Purtick has a consistent character. You spend a fair amount of time establishing his character as unrelenting, grumpy, and stony, only to flip the switch from night to day. There is a way to have him agree to come along while keeping him consistent.

            Perhaps something along the lines of:

            “Well…how would you like to come on our adventure with us?”

            For a moment, Purtick stared at me. He didn’t respond, didn’t move, didn’t blink. Just stared. Suddenly I felt really awkward. 

            At last he spoke, expression unchanging: “Will we fight dragons?”

            “N-” I stopped Kaleb with a stare and said, “Probably. And I will tell you what: you can do all the fighting.”

            Purtick lowered his gaze, stared out across the grassy plains. I could almost see the gears turning in his mind, and it gave me a flutter of hope. And then, something in his expression changed oh so subtly. His eyes flickered as he looked back to me. 

            “I’m in.”

            Just an idea. I hope that makes sense with what I was saying. Of course, no one knows your character better than you. 😉 I think what was throwing your gremlin friends was the sudden inconsistency of Purtick’s character. Totally fixable!

            "Write the vision, and make it plain on tablets, that he may run who reads it."
            Habakkuk 2:2

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