fb

Two Poems of Mine

Forums Poetry Poetry Discussions Two Poems of Mine

Tagged: 

Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #42391
    Catherine Roche
    @writercatherine

    Hey! I’d love some feedback on these poems of mine. The first is formed of six quatrains. The second is formed of six couplets. I have some difficulties with meter, so neither of these has a great rhythm. Any tips?

    The Rebellion

    They took my heart.
    They burned it to ashes.
    They tear us apart.
    Life weakly flashes.

    They do what they want.
    They destroy people’s lives.
    From safety they taunt
    Those who bravely hold knives.

    I watch them be evil,
    I watch their mercilessness.
    They don’t fear upheaval,
    Encircling us.

    I’m done with their tricks.
    I’m done with their games.
    I’ll start the conflicts.
    I’ll encourage the flames.

    The rebellion is happening.
    The rebellion is real.
    Their grip is slackening.
    To them it’s surreal.

    I’m doing what it takes.
    I’m crossing the hard lines.
    As their rule breaks,
    It will be mine.

    A Writer’s Woes 

    Inspiration never comes opportune,
    As you will discover soon.
    You may sit down and uncap your pen,
    But soon you will be there again.

    For, though you have the time,
    You shan’t think of even a rhyme.
    And the more inspiration is sought,
    The more likely you will end up with naught.

    But when you retire to your bed,
    Many thoughts spring through your head.
    And if they are not written down,
    Tomorrow they cannot be found.

    Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam - For the greater glory of God
    Catholic, student, bookdragon

    #43235
    E.B. Raulands
    @e-b-raulands

    @writercatherine
    Hello Catherine! I enjoyed reading these poems you’ve posted! I’m not exactly the greatest with meter and scansion, but I hope I can still be of some assistance.

    Overall, I think the meters of both your poems flowed fairly well. I liked the mood the short meter created in “The Rebellion” but also thought lines 8, 10, and 17 were a little awkward. I also thought the meter in “A Writer’s Woes” might flow better if you omitted the words even (line 6) and bed (line 9) and shortened the phrase you will to you’ll in lines 4 and 8. What do you think?

    As far as meter in general goes, I think if you focus on how the words flow in your poem, the meter will follow naturally. What I’ve done with recent poems is kept the number of syllables in each line of my poem consistent and then created the cadences with sound devices like consonance and assonance. To me, this method seems to create rhythms better and is a lot easier than trying to adhere to a set metrical pattern.

    (Oh, by the way, you can call me Bree if you get tired of writing out my username.)  🙂

    To the glory of God and for the advancement of His kingdom.

    #43381
    Catherine Roche
    @writercatherine

    Thank you @e-b-raulands! What do you think now?

    The Rebellion

    They took my heart.

    They burned it to ashes.

    They tear us apart.

    Life weakly flashes.

     

    They do what they want.

    They destroy people’s lives.

    From safety they taunt

    All those with knives.

     

    I watch their evil,

    Their mercilessness.

    They don’t fear upheaval,

    Encircling us.

     

    I’m done with their tricks.

    I’m done with their games.

    I’ll start the conflicts.

    I’ll encourage the flames.

     

    It’s happening.

    It’s real.

    Their grip is slackening.

    To them it’s surreal.

     

    I’m doing what it takes.

    I’m crossing the hard lines.

    As their rule breaks,

    It will be mine.

     

    Inspiration never comes opportune,

    As you will discover soon.

    You may sit down and uncap your pen,

    But soon you will be there again.

     

    For, though you have the time,

    You shan’t think of a rhyme.

    And the more inspiration is sought,

    The more likely you will end up with naught.

     

    But when you retire,

    You are suddenly inspired.

    And if thoughts are not written down,

    Tomorrow they cannot be found.

    Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam - For the greater glory of God
    Catholic, student, bookdragon

    #43503
    E.B. Raulands
    @e-b-raulands

    @writercatherine
    I like the changes! 🙂
    When I was reading through “The Rebellion,” I thought you might have made lines 17-18 a little too short with the new revisions. However, as I read them again I realized the sudden change in length actually adds to the mood. The rapid lines force the reader to think about what’s being said, draw the reader to a climax, and convey confidence and excitement that victory is gradually being won despite the enemy’s disbelief.
    Both of these are wonderful poems, but I think “The Rebellion” is my favorite. I love the first quatrain!

    To the glory of God and for the advancement of His kingdom.

    #43707
    E.B. Raulands
    @e-b-raulands

    @writercatherine
    I was thinking a little more about “The Rebellion” yesterday, and there was something I realized I wanted to clarify about the poem.
    What I really liked about “The Rebellion” was the way the rhythm and rhyme worked together to make the poem flow well. I also liked the theme, which to me was discussing a Christian’s perseverance to remain faithful in a culture that is contrary to Christian values. However, as I thought about it more, I realized the poem could also be interpreted as a description of a literal rebellion against institutions and the government, which is something I do not support nor find as something Christ taught.
    Like I said before, this isn’t really how I interpreted the poem, but could you outline the theme for me a little more anyways?

    To the glory of God and for the advancement of His kingdom.

    #43751
    Catherine Roche
    @writercatherine

    @e-b-raulands Thank you!

    On the theme of the poem: It’s both. It’s about someone who starts on the right path of trying to change the government for the better; however, as the poem goes on, they stray further from their original, good mission. I tried to change the mood of the poem as it went on. It begins with the character stating their crimes and their evils and wanting to change them; as the poem continues, they start stating they’ll cross the hard lines and then it ends with the plot twist: they now want the rule for themselves, which takes over their original good intentions.

    Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam - For the greater glory of God
    Catholic, student, bookdragon

    #43810
    Catherine Roche
    @writercatherine

    @e-b-raulands Thank you! On the theme of the poem: It’s both. It’s about someone who starts on the right path of trying to change the government for the better; however, as the poem goes on, they stray further from their original, good mission. I tried to change the mood of the poem as it went on. It begins with the character stating their crimes and their evils and wanting to change them; as the poem continues, they start stating they’ll cross the hard lines and then it ends with the plot twist: they now want the rule for themselves, which takes over their original good intentions.

    I said that wrong. It’s about someone who starts out trying to stick to their beliefs in a difficult culture and help others do the same; however, as the poem goes on they stray further from their original, good mission, and start wanting power for themselves. So, it’s sort of a rebellion in the way that they’re not obeying some of the laws they disagree with and encouraging others to do the same, but they’re not trying to hurt anyone or overthrow the government in the beginning; they get more corrupt as they go along.

    Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam - For the greater glory of God
    Catholic, student, bookdragon

Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

Pin It on Pinterest