fb

The Waves – a poem

Forums Poetry Poetry Discussions The Waves – a poem

Viewing 3 posts - 1 through 3 (of 3 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #49972
    Hedges
    @h-jones

    So, I wrote this a while ago and was trying to aim for a mysterious vibe, and I was wondering if I achieved it. It was initially supposed to be a poem in a novel I was writing about mermaids (a girl on land having dreams of mermaids, which actually turn out being messages from a cursed siren), but sadly the idea was dropped, leaving only the verse. Still, I may yet use it for something. 🙂 Let me know if you find it too cheesy or corny, and if you have any thoughts for better wording, meter, or whatever, I would be more than happy to hear it!

    Also, it’s short. ^^’

     

    “The moon is high,

    the sea is deep;

    you say goodnight and

    drift to sleep.

    The waves, they lick

    your toes as you

    dream of sailors,

    riding blue.

    For what have you

    to fight against

    the secrets of

    an ocean spent?

    The mysteries

    it hides beneath

    worm into dreams;

    you see the reefs.

    So if you find

    Men of the Sea

    in depths of sleep,

    remember me.”

    Married a blacksmith, and now frequently uses his knowledge for writing fantasy.

    #50007
    Libby
    @libby

    @h-jones Oh, wow.  I love the sway of this piece, so chilling.  Yes, I think you did capture the mysterious feel.
    Also, I read the line “worm into dreams” and at first I shuddered, because that word “worm” is so expressive and kind of creepy.  I wasn’t sure if I like it at first, but after reading the poem through a second time, I think adds so much to the mood.  And the ending is very well done – leaves me wanting more.
    One thing that bothered me the tiniest bit was the first set of lines, 1-4.

    The moon is high,

    the sea is deep;

    you say goodnight and

    drift to sleep.

    You have this beautiful sentence here, but line three has an extra syllable, whereas line four loses one.  When I read it, “and” just seems like it should be tagged onto the beginning of the fourth line instead of at the end of the third.  But that’s just a nitpickle.  I think the mood is very well done and so lovely.  I’d love to see more from you ^.^

    "Young people, you must pray, for your passions are strong and your wisdom is little."C.H.Spurgeon

    #50075
    Hedges
    @h-jones

    @libby Ah! Yes! Thank you, fellow poet. 🙂 Your praise and critique are both great! Thank you specifically for the tidbit about the “and” – I hadn’t noticed that. And I’m so glad you liked it!! 🙂

    Married a blacksmith, and now frequently uses his knowledge for writing fantasy.

Viewing 3 posts - 1 through 3 (of 3 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

Pin It on Pinterest