@andrew, I think its great! I really like the humour. But, (sorry to contradict) I don’t think you had too many ellispes. I thought that was good. It was all part of the style. Anyways, that’s just my opinion, and I’m not very experienced (should you say) in writing, so you’d better not even listen to me. It feels very colourful, and I really want to read the rest of this book!
Do you have a title yet?
Your story is yours and no one else's. Each sunset is different, depending where you stand. -A. Peterson