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Prologue

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  • #43912
    Andrew Schmidt
    @andrew

    Hey, I was just making a prologue for this story.

    I’m more aiming towards funny and short. What do you think about it?

    Here it goes:

    Aspeldon was one of the many worlds linked together through the Connection.  The Connection as you know… well, connects the worlds, realms, and stuff-you-don’t-care-about all together to form this strange cluster of worlds which you have no idea about, oh, except for Earth.

    But one day, a citizen from Earth came swooshing around through the solar system on her spaceship… which ended up crashing into a nearby world: Aspeldon.

    She would have been captured by the links – the evil guards linking the worlds together for the Connection’s sake – but she escaped.

    Nightjay, the mysterious hybrid of a man and an elementmaker from the mystic world of Aspeldon, doing his duty, sought after the lost girl.

    One discovering her, he had realized she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen… well, the most beautiful woman in Gemstone Woods at the moment.

    Anyway, they were fond of each other and became best friends. Nightjay had soon learned her name was Susan Vibrant, and she had learned was just simply Nightjay, which she had thought was extremely cool.

    As they went exploring Aspeldon, Nightjay talked about his world and Susan talked about hers. Earth, from what he had heard, had different creatures than he had here and seemed much more high-tech. But at the same time, Susan’s world didn’t really have any magic, so…

    Nightjay taught her how to make bubble-blaze pasta from a various mushroom, while Susan taught him how to make a phone, which reminded him very much of magic while…

    …there were still many evils within that land.

    Besides the ever-cursed links, there were also vallucks, very mischievous and chameleon-like. Then there was also the fairies, trolls, elves, giants, dwarves, and the many other kinds that lurked within the lands.

    Some of the one-of-a-kind species that people called ‘monsters,’  had all gathered up into the ‘Forgotten Forest,’ where no one dared to venture…  but since no one seemed to venture no one was sure if it was real anymore and therefore had started declaring it a myth. And because they had not thought it was real, they were devoured once they stepped foot into the forest.

    Then there were still the wicked blackshards of the land. Very cruel and evil in their ways.

    But Susan tried not to dwell on those thoughts, and instead interested herself in the odd things of the world as Nightjay led her to the elementmaker camp to discuss some weird plan that they had no idea what it was.

    But that was only the start of their great adventure.


    @the-fledgling-artist
    , @wordsmith, @evelyn, @nuetrobolt, @e-b-raulands, @jenwriter17, @rebecca-w

    "Muhahaha!"- Unknown Villain

    #43913
    Andrew Schmidt
    @andrew

    *just realizes* I may had had made an error in this sentence:

    Anyway, they were fond of each other and became best friends. Nightjay had soon learned her name was Susan Vibrant, and she had learned was just simply Nightjay, which she had thought was extremely cool.

    I accidently missed a couple words.

    …and she had learned was just simply Nightjay... It was suppose to be …and she had learned his name was just simply Nightjay…

    Sorry about that!

    "Muhahaha!"- Unknown Villain

    #43914
    The Fledgling Artist
    @the-fledgling-artist

    @andrew In all honesty I have never written a prologue- and don’t even completely understand what purpose they serve. (I’m here on SE for the artist crowd haha.) So you will surely be better off asking someone else for their advice.  One thing I notice though is you have a lot of ellipses. Ellipses are the “…” things.  To my limited knowledge of writing those are used when you are quoting something and are used to show you’re leaving something out. Example Genesis 1:1 “In the beginning… ” I used the ellipse to show that I left out part of the quote. And then there is a great chance i’m mistaken about this but I think people sometimes uses them in dialogue to show that the character is trailing off. Maybe that’s why you’re using them-but even so I would suggest to use ellipses sparingly. (If at all) perhaps it’s a style thing. 😉 As I said I’m no writer. You’re the author here so what ever you want.

    "Though I'm not yet who I will be, I'm no longer who I was."

    #43918
    Andrew Schmidt
    @andrew

    @the-fledgling-artist, okay. 🙂

    But do you think this prologue sounds somewhat random? That thought crossed my mind after writing it.

    "Muhahaha!"- Unknown Villain

    #43929
    Jenna Terese
    @jenwriter17

    @andrew I like the humor in it. 😉 I do agree with The Fledgling Artist that you could use a few less ellipses. Another suggestion I do have, would be coming up with a different food item other than ‘pasta’ that Nightjay teaches Susan how to make; since pasta would be an Earth dish that was created there, and he’s from another world. That’s just me though, no need to change it if you don’t want to. 🙂

    "If you want to change the world, pick up your pen and write." -Martin Luther
    www.jennaterese.com

    #43934
    Evelyn
    @evelyn

    @andrew I would agree if what @the-fledgling-artist said about the ellipses. As I have said to people before: “There is a time to use ellipses and a time not too.” Just ask @wordsmith 😉

    I like it though!

    One more thing in the paragraph: “Besides the ever-cursed links, there were also vallucks, very mischievous and chameleon-like. Then there was also the fairies, trolls, elves, giants, dwarves, and the many other kinds that lurked within the lands.”

    I would take out one “also” to keep it from being redundant.

    Good job!

     

    #43940
    Andrew Schmidt
    @andrew

    Okay, I’ll take out a lot of the ellipses.


    @jenwriter17
    , thanks. I may have to think about the ‘pasta thing.’


    @evelyn
    , thanks too. I’ll make sure to take out that extra ‘also.’

    "Muhahaha!"- Unknown Villain

    #43968
    The Fledgling Artist
    @the-fledgling-artist

    @andrew It’s difficult for me to judge wether or not it’s “too random” since I don’t really know the larger context of the story. I think as long as everything you’re saying is relevant to the rest of your story it’s not a problem. 😜 Your story sounds really sweet and funny, and I think you’re off to a great start Andrew!

    "Though I'm not yet who I will be, I'm no longer who I was."

    #43977
    Buddy J.
    @wordsmith

    @andrew

    Whoa whoa whoa! Do not be afraid to use ellipses! They are amazing, and can add very nice effects. I know I just contradicted three other people… But if they serve your writing style, use them.

    Secondly, you names are really fun and original! Susan Vibrant is a great name!

    Thirdly, I really feel color in this. I don’t know why, but it’s vibrant.

    Fourthly, yes… It does feel a little random and over simplistic at times, but I would recommend that you  read it out loud to yourself.

    Fifthly, keep at it! Maybe do something to make the character of Susan more interesting. Also maybe if we had some foreboding about their relationship.  And last, Nightjay seems to come out of nowhere. Maybe you can fix that.

    Overall keep up the good work!

    Published author, reader of many books, Student in writing, and Lumenite!

    #44002
    E.B. Raulands
    @e-b-raulands

    @andrew
    This prologue makes me want to read the story! I like the way it rambles on but occasionally slips in foreboding descriptions of the creatures lurking about Aspeldon. Here are some of the things I noticed while reading that might be helpful.

    I think you should focus on the Connection in the first paragraph and introduce Aspeldon in the second. To me, this deletion will help keep the focus on understanding the Connection and prevent confusion about the topic of the paragraph. I also thought separating the phrase “oh, except for Earth” into its own sentence would help the phrase seem more like an afterthought and make the idea that the Connection is part of “our” world more impactful.

    I agree with Wordsmith’s comment about how Nightjay pops up out of nowhere; maybe it would help if his appearance was connected more strongly with Susan’s escape/wandering through the Gemstone Woods. Also, if you introduced Nightjay’s name at the same time you introduced Susan’s in paragraph 6, it might increase the reader’s suspense over Nightjay’s identity and prevent the reader from being bored by the repetition of “old” information.

    As far as specific word choices go, I think you should drop the hads from the verbs in paragraph 6. I also thought shortening “just simply” to “simply” (paragraph 6) and changing “from what he heard” to “from what she told him” (paragraph 7), “seemed to venture” to “seemed to venture there” (paragraph 12), and “one-of-a-kind” to “unique” (paragraph 12) would help condense/clarify the sentences the phrases are in. I liked the humor in the phrase “to discuss some weird plan that they had no idea what it was” in the second-to-last paragraph but also thought the phrasing might be a little awkward to read.

    I hope this helps! 🙂

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by E.B. Raulands.

    To the glory of God and for the advancement of His kingdom.

    #44011
    Andrew Schmidt
    @andrew

    Thank ya’ll!


    @the-fledgling-artist
    , okay! That was helpful. I’ll make sure to wind all those little things together.


    @e-b-raulands
    , that was helpful too. I’ll have to fix the wording in the prologue.


    @wordsmith
    , and that was also helpful.

    This prologue you only got a little of the story, so I haven’t said much about the characters. Nightjay is an ISTP and Susan is an ESFP. They’re going be fun to write.

    Not to mention that if you change the T to an F in the ISTP, it will turn to an ISFP (my personality) and if you change the E to an I in ESFP, she’ll become an ISFP also. Ha-ha.

     

    "Muhahaha!"- Unknown Villain

    #44014
    Buddy J.
    @wordsmith

    @andrew

    That sounds like a lot of fun!

    Published author, reader of many books, Student in writing, and Lumenite!

    #44015
    Andrew Schmidt
    @andrew

    @wordsmith, thanks! 🙂

    "Muhahaha!"- Unknown Villain

    #44024
    Andrew Schmidt
    @andrew

    Okay, I just decided that I’m going to change Susan’s last name. I think Vail would sound cooler with Susan than Vibrant. Susan Vail.

    "Muhahaha!"- Unknown Villain

    #44038
    E.B. Raulands
    @e-b-raulands

    @andrew
    Vail does sound cool! It sounds like a name you would find in a sci-fi/fantasy world! 🙂

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by E.B. Raulands.
    • This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by E.B. Raulands.

    To the glory of God and for the advancement of His kingdom.

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