July 1, 2018 at 3:13 pm #40290ESJohnson@esjohnson
@emma-starr I can’t exactly tell what period this is set in, but it’s a great start.
Don't blame me if I spill the ink of my mind on your carpet. I just figured it needed a makeover.July 1, 2018 at 3:18 pm #40291
@katthewriter One thing I noticed immediately was that the writing is doing much more telling than showing, which can be very tricky in 1st-person POV. Like “it was beautiful” or “I was scared.” I think maybe you could have a more vivid image of what’s going on. For instance, instead of “I was scared” being told to us, something like “My heart beat like a drum as I ran.” Some description can also do double duty for setting the scene, using words that are more specific like instead of “tired,” the word “haggard.” It gives you an image of someone who has been on the run for hours and is ready to drop from exhaustion.
The content is definitely a great hook–I’m interested in what’s going on right away! If you craft the description a bit more and really center it in the MC’s mind, I think it will be a powerful start!
Spreading God's love until I can see seven billion smiles. 🙂 https://sevenbillionsmiles.home.blogJuly 1, 2018 at 3:20 pm #40292
@esjohnson Thank you so much!! I’ve had someone else tell me something similar about the time period. The setting is 1905 in Nova Scotia. I’ll try to add some more description of the people’s attire and other telling details.
Spreading God's love until I can see seven billion smiles. 🙂 https://sevenbillionsmiles.home.blogJuly 2, 2018 at 12:19 am #40311Sarah Inkdragon@sarah-inkdragon
He’s about to fall in love very, very hard…. XD Thanks!
"A hard heart is no infallible protection against a soft head."
- C. S. LewisJuly 3, 2018 at 10:17 pm #40540Steward of the Pen@steward-of-the-pen
Great topic @esjohnson!
@emma-starr I love how you introduced the characters there. It made me very curious about their backgrounds. Their character traits and the way they viewed each other was very intriguing.
The main thing is the setting seems a bit cheerful for a funeral, but maybe you did that on purpose? I don’t know who Betty Clay was or how she died, but the upbeat feel to everything hints (in my mind) that she was not at all a likeable person and that no one would really miss her.
Great start, especially with the characters!
In the heart of everything good there is a fire. Sometimes that fire is roaring, drowning out every dark doubt with a passionate blaze. Other times that fire is dying—a single ember clinging to life as darkness sinks down upon it.
Darkness sank heavily on Yelodria that night.
Threatening black clouds masked the last glow of sunlight. The stars trembled out of sight behind them, as if they dreaded to watch the terrors that would unfold.
A stealthy four-legged creature dove into a tunnel, slinking along so low that his tongue almost licked the trampled dust. Something like a chuckle slipped out from between his snarling lips.
Voices echoed through the connecting chambers, but the tunnel was dark and empty. The wolf trotted along it for nearly half a mile before it ended in a large well-lit chamber. The Alpha of Loklab was waiting for him there.
Flickering rapidly, the flame in the center of the room flung distorted shadows of the Alpha on the walls, reflecting his twisted personality. His low, malicious laugh vibrated in the air as he watched Mokom, his young Chief Warrior, enter the room.
Mokom joined him in his glee, their excitement of that long anticipated night exploding from their lungs and bouncing off the walls. The fire shrunk.
“Alpha Yeath,” Mokom asked between snickers, “what are my orders? Shall anyone in the family be spared?”
Yeath stopped laughing. His chest swelled and he arched his neck. “No.” A horrid gleam sprang into his eyes. “Kill them all.”July 4, 2018 at 10:06 am #40566
@steward-of-the-pen That’s the characteristic moment for Rosie, so you liking her character is awesome. Literally, everything you just said was what I’m trying to convey. That makes me SO happy.
#1: The first few lines are an amazing hook. I know the story is going to interesting from just reading that; great idea.
#2: I love the descriptions. They aren’t cliche. I love “the stars trembled…” Beautiful!
#3: For “The wolf trotted along it”–I’m envisioning a happy-go-lucky wolf “trotting” along a dark tunnel without a care. That’s the image it’s projecting in my brain, but it could just be me. You may want to change the word for his ambulation to be more sinister, like paced or lumbered. Just a thought.
#4: The dialogue definitely pulls me in, and the action beats are well chosen.
Well written!! 🙂
Spreading God's love until I can see seven billion smiles. 🙂 https://sevenbillionsmiles.home.blogJuly 4, 2018 at 10:08 am #40567
@sarah-inkdragon Wow…masterfully done. Change nothing. I want to read this book, girl!!
Spreading God's love until I can see seven billion smiles. 🙂 https://sevenbillionsmiles.home.blogJuly 4, 2018 at 12:20 pm #40599ESJohnson@esjohnson
Don't blame me if I spill the ink of my mind on your carpet. I just figured it needed a makeover.July 4, 2018 at 4:12 pm #40619Sarah Inkdragon@sarah-inkdragonJuly 8, 2018 at 1:52 pm #40839
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