Post the first paragraph of your WIP here and get feedback

Forums Fiction General Writing Discussions Post the first paragraph of your WIP here and get feedback

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  • #39534
    aster
    @aster

      @r-m-archer Thank you that was very helpful!


      @esjohnson
      thanks! 🙂

      #39535
      ESJohnson
      @esjohnson

      @nuetrobolt interesting premise! I like how deeply historical it is, cause I’m a total sucker for HF. And no, it’s just the first paragraph. 😉

      Don't blame me if I spill the ink of my mind on your carpet. I just figured it needed a makeover.

      #39614
      Sarah Inkdragon
      @sarah-inkdragon

      @r-m-archer @aster @anyone else because I’m lazy and I don’t feel like looking up y’alls tags…

      So, here is the rough*cough* very rough *cough* version of my first few paragraphs of my novel, Firemaster. And dudes. Pick apart the first line piece by piece, please. I’m one of those people that likes to have an epic-ly confusing and inspiring first line that many will someday quote. *cue inspiration music*

      Here you go:

          There comes a day when you will realize what you were born for. Whether you will rise with fame and fortune—or fall to utter darkness. You may not see this day for fifty years, or it may come at fifteen and break you. Or it may not come till the day you die.

        Kirin was not the first to wish it sooner than later. With a doomed life since eleven and the marks of a slave marring his hands, he may as well feed himself to the sea monsters rather than try to work his way up the caste system of Westrim Earth.

        But Kirin was no quitter, so he would try.


      What do you think? It’s a fantasy novel, so I want a bit of an older style feel to it, but without the long sentences and confusing showing. This is almost more of a prologue than an actual part of a chapter, but it’ll probably end up being stuck in the first chapter.
      Also, as I mentioned above, chew apart the first line. I kind of like it, but I totally want your opinion about it. Both negative and positive. So go. Be free, my wee dragons.

      Au revoir.

      "A hard heart is no infallible protection against a soft head."

      - C. S. Lewis

      #39639
      ESJohnson
      @esjohnson

      @sarah-inkdragon can I possibly destroy such a masterpiece? 😰😰😰 SAVE ME FROM MYSELF

      Don't blame me if I spill the ink of my mind on your carpet. I just figured it needed a makeover.

      #39641
      R.M. Archer
      @r-m-archer

      @sarah-inkdragon Actually I really like the first two lines. It’s the last one that’s not quite ringing right in my head. It seems too bare in comparison to those prior, I think. Maybe try something more like, “But Kirin wasn’t one to give up easily, and there would be no stopping him from trying”?

      Fantasy/dystopian/sci-fi author. Mythology nerd. ENFP. Singer.

      #39643
      ESJohnson
      @esjohnson

      @sarah-inkdragon or maybe “But Kirin didn’t know what quitting was– frankly, the word ‘quit’ wasn’t even in his vocabulary, as limited as a peasant vocabulary was.”

      Don't blame me if I spill the ink of my mind on your carpet. I just figured it needed a makeover.

      #39659
      Inkling-for-Christ
      @inkling-for-christ

      @esjohnson, I can see  I am kinda late to this, but here’s the first paragraph of my WIP (which has actually been accepted for publishing, but I thought I’d post it anyways)

      “Patrick!” I scream throwing back the bedsheets. My chest heaves as I wipe beads of sweat from my forehead. My shaky breath comes out, in short, trembling gasps. Ominous thunder rumbles in the distance, like the sound of the running soldiers in my dream. Lightning flickers outside my window as I wipe burning tears from my face. Suddenly, I realize the horrid truth.

      “Three years,” I whisper my heart sinks like a stone into the pit of my stomach.

       

      INFJ, Child of God, wannabe author, writer, dreamer, fan of DR. Who, Star Wars, NCIS-LA

      #39662
      R.M. Archer
      @r-m-archer

      @inkling-for-christ You have a couple of misplaced and missing commas. There should be one after “I scream” and not one after “My shaky breath comes out.” And you need a period or an “as” after “I whisper.” But the tone here is really good. It immediately grips the reader. 🙂

      • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by R.M. Archer.

      Fantasy/dystopian/sci-fi author. Mythology nerd. ENFP. Singer.

      #39670
      ESJohnson
      @esjohnson

      @inkling-for-christ wow, congrats! I can tell why; I’m immediately hooked. Great job! 😉

      Don't blame me if I spill the ink of my mind on your carpet. I just figured it needed a makeover.

      #39697
      Inkling-for-Christ
      @inkling-for-christ

      @r-m-archer, thanks. I stink at commas. Funny story…a few years ago, my mom threatened to pull the comma button off my computer because I kept splicing commas. So I stopped using them until the fall when I learned a little better.


      @esjohnson
      , thanks. the inspiration actually came from me thinking about the opening, but I was like half awake half asleep and boy that hook made me roll right out of bed.

      Maybe I need to post the whole story…for editing. I do want it to be its best.

      INFJ, Child of God, wannabe author, writer, dreamer, fan of DR. Who, Star Wars, NCIS-LA

      #39705
      Jenna Terese
      @jenwriter17

      @esjohnson ooh this is a great idea! 😀 Here’s the first bit from my sci-fi WIP:

       

       DARKNESS.

         She couldn’t see yet, but she could hear. Muffled voices drifted around her, mixed with soft footsteps. Something clanged to her right. A drill buzzed to her left.

      Heavy footsteps thudded nearer and nearer, until they stopped. Something shifted in her head, like someone was prodding around inside her with their hands. It wasn’t a good feeling.

         Click. Her eyes flicked open. She blinked several times and blurs began to take shape. A man stood in front of her, his hands tucked in the pockets of his lab coat. He hitched his mouth to one side and squinted his eyes in a twisted form of a smile. “How do you feel?”

       

      Sorry if that was technically too long.

      I actually have two WIPs, is it okay to post the first paragraph from the other one too?

      "If you want to change the world, pick up your pen and write." -Martin Luther
      www.jennaterese.com

      #39738
      Sarah Inkdragon
      @sarah-inkdragon

      @esjohnson, Ah, thanks! I like it to. 🙂


      @r-m-archer

      Yes, that line wasn’t quite perfect in my mind either, but I couldn’t really think of anything to replace it with at the time so I just left it. But you and @esjohnson gave me some great ideas to work from!

      "A hard heart is no infallible protection against a soft head."

      - C. S. Lewis

      #39760
      ESJohnson
      @esjohnson

      @jenwriter17 cool premise! It’s got that spooky feeling… 😫

       


      @sarah-inkdragon
      no problem!

      Don't blame me if I spill the ink of my mind on your carpet. I just figured it needed a makeover.

      #39761
      R.M. Archer
      @r-m-archer

      @jenwriter17 Other than feeling like there needs to be some sort of time gap between the last paragraph and the one prior to it – even just a scene break indicator – it looks good. I’m really curious what kind of experiments they’ve been running.

      Fantasy/dystopian/sci-fi author. Mythology nerd. ENFP. Singer.

      #39780
      Jenna Terese
      @jenwriter17

      @r-m-archer spoiler alert. *whispers behind hand* the person being worked on is actually a robot girl *wiggles eyebrows* 😉

      Thank you! 😀

      "If you want to change the world, pick up your pen and write." -Martin Luther
      www.jennaterese.com

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