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If you have a poem you would like to share or get feedback on, post it here! 🙂
Spreading God's love until I can see seven billion smiles. 🙂 https://sevenbillionsmiles.home.blog
my heart goes out to you
despite all that you’ve done
because I know what it’s like
being/to be in a dark room
with no light
and I can understand
why you think
that tearing down the walls
of people’s vibrant rooms
will/can let the light into yoursAny critique would be welcome 🙂 And I was wondering what words separated by a / work better
writer - I talk to imaginary people-reader-avid plant collector-not all who wander are lost-Eph. 4:6
oops I forgot to tag you in the poem above. Sorry about that @scribbles
writer - I talk to imaginary people-reader-avid plant collector-not all who wander are lost-Eph. 4:6
@lydia-writes I love this so much! You have done a fabulous job of infusing emotions into this.
I would go with “to be” because the vowel sound doesn’t clash as much with the next word “in,” and with “will” because you’re talking about an expectation of something that *will* happen…an if/then.
I wonder if you could use another metaphor for the line “with no light”? Since the line before mentions a dark room, it might be more impactful to either elaborate on how/why it’s dark or to emphasize it a little less directly than stating that there’s no light. A simile might work nicely.
You should definitely share more of your poetry. It’s really good!
Ambiverted INFP. Scribbles all the words. Names the plant friends. Secretly Edna the Piguirrel.
@scribbles – Thank you :D.
Thank you for the word recommendations! 🙂 I definitely agree with your choices – thank you!
Ah okay – that makes sense! 🙂 It’s almost like a repeating idea the two sentences. How about something like – with no hope or with no way out….?
Thank you so much! <3
I’d love to read more of your poems too!
writer - I talk to imaginary people-reader-avid plant collector-not all who wander are lost-Eph. 4:6
@lydia-writes I, personally, would choose “with no way out” over those options. And you’re so welcome! <3
I need to post some of my poetry, I just keep getting busy and forgetting. XP
Ambiverted INFP. Scribbles all the words. Names the plant friends. Secretly Edna the Piguirrel.
I wrote this poem several months ago, but it doesn’t feel finished to me. I’m not sure whether I need to add more to it or revise it or what. :/ I would appreciate any and all feedback, especially your impression of what it’s about and whether it feels like a whole thought to you.
I will glow
beyond this dreary ache.
I will shine
reflecting the profound love
enveloping me even when
I can’t see it.
It takes a strike
to light a match,
a collision of flints to make
sparks–
and even a candle, warm
and incalescent,
burns.
Tagging a few people I can think of who might have suggestions: @sir-leeds @brandon-miller @emma-starr @cindy @christieaton @briannastorm @mariposa @anyone else I should be remembering
Ambiverted INFP. Scribbles all the words. Names the plant friends. Secretly Edna the Piguirrel.
okay, and the poem disappeared. let me try again. FYI, the ending I took off because it was fairly personal, so if it seems unfinished, thats why
A Taste of Home
How does one forget the way life used to be
How does one forget when life used to be so free
I think back on how it was
I think back on them because
How does one forget when all I want to do is flee
I think back on what life was like
Going up and down hills on my bike
Freedom to go anywhere
By myself without care
No need to worry just take a hike
The West market always busy, always smelly
Walking through with my family and me
The stores are fun
My senses are done
Just walking with my family and all achy
No need for a park when you live in one
You might tell me I’m wrong, are you done?
If it isn’t a park
Then I guess it is dark
Because only parks have six sections
In one there are deer, not real but so dear
We would ride on them as we cheer
Evil never persisted
We won without blood
It is strange how these memories appear
In one there were mushrooms, growing all plastic
We would hop down the paths made of brick
The gazebo was nice
Though we never played dice
Yes, back when life didn’t seem quite so hectic
In one there were elephants and rocks stacked so high
We would sit on the top eating candy in July
We would ride on the backs
Of the elephants with snacks
Yes indeed it is hard when we must say goodbye
In the best there was nothing that would seem extra special
Indeed you think it most likely as dull
But from up above
I would look down with love
On the balcony when I was only so blissful
"My prayer is that when I die, all of hell rejoices that I am out of the fight."
- C. S. LewisOh, and any critiques welcomed
"My prayer is that when I die, all of hell rejoices that I am out of the fight."
- C. S. Lewis@scribbles I don’t think your poem needs revising, just maybe a little more added to it to clarify the meaning. I like the structure/flow of the piece but there does seem to be something missing. 🤔
I’m not sure if it’s just me or if I’m reading it wrong, but it seems like you start out positive (saying you will glow despite the darkness) but end somewhat dismal (a burnt candle)? That seems slightly paradoxical to me. Are you trying to say people need someone or something else to light them?
I hope this helps. 🙂 I’m not a poetry expert, so anything I advise doesn’t have to be taken seriously. 😉
Here is a sestina I did for a class I took… I am not the biggest fan of sestinas, too much repetitive words…
Autumn Magic
Good ol’ Jack has come to paint the forest with frost.
All along the ground lay fallen leaves.
Through the trees softly blowing is the wind.
In the air is the smell of sweet apple cider
In the garden, hidden in green the orange pumpkin
The trees, the leaves, the color scarlet.
A little girl with a scarf of scarlet
To ward off the chill of early frost.
Dances around the patch of pumpkin
Runs through the piles of crunchy leaves.
The promise of apple cider
Helps her ignore the cold wind.
The biting, gnashing, chilling wind
That turns the girl’s cheeks scarlet
Her lips the color of apple cider.
The ground and grass iced with frost
All around blow the fallen leaves
That eddy and swirl round the pumpkins.
Suddenly from behind the pumpkin
Comes a magical gust of wind
That blows the yellow and orange leaves
Through the trees of scarlet
Thawing the biting frost
From the little girl’s lips of apple cider.
From the wind that smells of apple cider
Comes a coach made of a large pumpkin
Covered in swirling designs of frost.
Appears from the magic wind
A silk ball gown of bright deep scarlet
And a crown of sparkling golden leaves
Materializes for the little girl from out of the leaves.
The promise of apple cider
Is forgotten on the way to the castle of scarlet
In that carriage of pumpkin
Which rides the north wind
To the castle of the prince of frost.
The princess dances with leaves in the castle of frost
Till a mother’s voice breezes in on the wind telling of the warm apple cider.
Away in a cloud of scarlet go the castle and gown all that’s left of the magic is a pumpkin.
Red haired Disney Nerd. Proverbs 3:5-6 ENFP-T
Hey @scribbles !
Here’s the meaning I get out of this one:
The narrator starts out hopeful in adversity, then the match and flint metaphors seem to explain how adversity can produce hope, and the last part kind of puzzles me with the word “even”.
Candles burn. That’s their thing. So the word “even” seems out of place to me unless this is a special, non-burning candle or you’re trying to say that even a candle burns down to nothing. If it’s the former, I’d love to know what kind of candle I’m dealing with here, if it’s the latter, you might want to consider dwelling on that thought for a few more lines, and if it’s neither and you just wanted to point out that candles burn, I’d recommend cutting out the word “even”.
Hope that helps!
"We are far too easily pleased." - C. S. Lewis
@mariposa First of all, I always take you seriously. Or at least…always when you’re being serious… 😉 😛
@sir-leeds The non-burning candle is an interesting concept for another day, but no, I was just talking about normal candles, haha. Definitely worth asking, though.
@mariposa and @sir-leeds First of all, thank you so much for your input. Basically, I liked the beginning of the piece, and then it got questionable about where the candle idea is introduced, which is causing a lot of confusion. That’s probably why I didn’t like it, but I didn’t know this until I had some external commentary.In a nutshell, the point I was trying to make is this: All these things that shine a light into the world endure some degree of suffering along the way.
Where it says that a candle burns, I somehow overlooked the obvious meaning: that a candle burns up/is consumed. I was actually thinking about that particular type of pain…like a nettle sting burns, like skin damaged by fire burns. So maybe I need a verb that’s less confusing, for one thing.
What about this:
…
It takes a strike
to light a match,
a collision of flints to make
sparks–
and even a candle, warm
and incalescent,
must fizzle and burn
to share the rhythm of
its luminous heartsong.
I’m honestly not sure yet how I feel about that either, but hopefully it at least makes more sense even if it’s not gorgeous poetry yet? 😛 (Also, it was a toss-up between “heartsong” and “dance.” I’m open to suggestions…)
Ambiverted INFP. Scribbles all the words. Names the plant friends. Secretly Edna the Piguirrel.
@scribbles Yes! 😃 That extra line certainly makes the meaning much clearer! 👍🏻
I personally prefer “dance” over “heartsong” because when a candle flickers, it looks like it’s dancing. I’m not sure how I feel about the word “fizzle” though. 🤔 Is there any other word you could substitute? Other than that, I’d say it’s pretty near perfect. 💜
@mariposa Yay! “Dance” it is… And I thought “fizzle” didn’t really fit, too. It was the closest thing I could think of for that sound the wick makes when you first light a candle (especially a new one). Other options are “crackle,” “sputter,””falter”…
Or maybe this is better, with another added line:
and even a candle, warm
and incalescent,
must sizzle and sputter,
losing part of itself
to share the rhythm of
its luminous dance.
Ambiverted INFP. Scribbles all the words. Names the plant friends. Secretly Edna the Piguirrel.
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