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  • #32478

    If you have a poem you would like to share or get feedback on, post it here! 🙂

     

     

    Spreading God's love until I can see seven billion smiles. 🙂 https://sevenbillionsmiles.home.blog

    #32657
    lydia-writes
    @lydia-writes

    my heart goes out to you
    despite all that you’ve done
    because I know what it’s like
    being/to be in a dark room
    with no light
    and I can understand
    why you think
    that tearing down the walls
    of people’s vibrant rooms
    will/can let the light into yours

    Any critique would be welcome 🙂  And I was wondering what words separated by a / work better

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by lydia-writes.

    writer - I talk to imaginary people-reader-avid plant collector-not all who wander are lost-Eph. 4:6

    #32661
    lydia-writes
    @lydia-writes

    oops I forgot to tag you in the poem above. Sorry about that @scribbles

    writer - I talk to imaginary people-reader-avid plant collector-not all who wander are lost-Eph. 4:6

    #32665
    Rachel Rogers
    @scribbles

    @lydia-writes I love this so much! You have done a fabulous job of infusing emotions into this.

    I would go with “to be” because the vowel sound doesn’t clash as much with the next word “in,” and with “will” because you’re talking about an expectation of something that *will* happen…an if/then.

    I wonder if you could use another metaphor for the line “with no light”? Since the line before mentions a dark room, it might be more impactful to either elaborate on how/why it’s dark or to emphasize it a little less directly than stating that there’s no light. A simile might work nicely.

    You should definitely share more of your poetry. It’s really good!

    Ambiverted INFP. Scribbles all the words. Names the plant friends. Secretly Edna the Piguirrel.

    #32915
    lydia-writes
    @lydia-writes

    @scribbles – Thank you :D.

    Thank you for the word recommendations!  🙂  I definitely agree with your choices – thank you!

    Ah okay – that makes sense!  🙂  It’s almost like a repeating idea the two sentences.  How about something like – with no hope or with no way out….?

    Thank you so much!  <3

    I’d love to read more of your poems too!

    writer - I talk to imaginary people-reader-avid plant collector-not all who wander are lost-Eph. 4:6

    #33207
    Rachel Rogers
    @scribbles

    @lydia-writes I, personally, would choose “with no way out” over those options. And you’re so welcome! <3

    I need to post some of my poetry, I just keep getting busy and forgetting. XP

    Ambiverted INFP. Scribbles all the words. Names the plant friends. Secretly Edna the Piguirrel.

    #33294
    Rachel Rogers
    @scribbles

    I wrote this poem several months ago, but it doesn’t feel finished to me. I’m not sure whether I need to add more to it or revise it or what. :/ I would appreciate any and all feedback, especially your impression of what it’s about and whether it feels like a whole thought to you.

    I will glow

    beyond this dreary ache.

    I will shine

    reflecting the profound love

    enveloping me even when

    I can’t see it.

    It takes a strike

    to light a match,

    a collision of flints to make

    sparks–

    and even a candle, warm

    and incalescent,

    burns.

    Tagging a few people I can think of who might have suggestions: @sir-leeds @brandon-miller @emma-starr @cindy @christieaton @briannastorm @mariposa @anyone else I should be remembering

    Ambiverted INFP. Scribbles all the words. Names the plant friends. Secretly Edna the Piguirrel.

    #33309
    Theresa Play
    @theresa-play

    okay, and the poem disappeared. let me try again. FYI, the ending I took off because it was fairly personal, so if it seems unfinished, thats why

     

    A Taste of Home

    How does one forget the way life used to be

    How does one forget when life used to be so free

    I think back on how it was

    I think back on them because

    How does one forget when all I want to do is flee

     

    I think back on what life was like

    Going up and down hills on my bike

    Freedom to go anywhere

    By myself without care

    No need to worry just take a hike

     

    The West market always busy, always smelly

    Walking through with my family and me

    The stores are fun

    My senses are done

    Just walking with my family and all achy

     

    No need  for a park when you live in one

    You might tell me I’m wrong, are you done?

    If it isn’t a park

    Then I guess it is dark

    Because only parks have six sections

     

    In one there are deer, not real but so dear

    We would ride on them as we cheer

    Evil never persisted

    We won without blood

    It is strange how these memories appear

     

    In one there were mushrooms, growing all plastic

    We would hop down the paths made of brick

    The gazebo was nice

    Though we never played dice

    Yes, back when life didn’t seem quite so hectic

     

    In one there were elephants and rocks stacked so high

    We would sit on the top eating candy in July

    We would ride on the backs

    Of the elephants with snacks

    Yes indeed it is hard when we must say goodbye

     

    In the best there was nothing that would seem extra special

    Indeed you think it most likely as dull

    But from up above

    I would look down with love

    On the balcony when I was only so blissful

     

    "My prayer is that when I die, all of hell rejoices that I am out of the fight."
    - C. S. Lewis

    #33310
    Theresa Play
    @theresa-play

    Oh, and any critiques welcomed

    "My prayer is that when I die, all of hell rejoices that I am out of the fight."
    - C. S. Lewis

    #33366
    Mariposa Aristeo
    @mariposa

    @scribbles I don’t think your poem needs revising, just maybe a little more added to it to clarify the meaning. I like the structure/flow of the piece but there does seem to be something missing. 🤔

    I’m not sure if it’s just me or if I’m reading it wrong, but it seems like you start out positive (saying you will glow despite the darkness) but end somewhat dismal (a burnt candle)? That seems slightly paradoxical to me. Are you trying to say people need someone or something else to light them?

    I hope this helps. 🙂 I’m not a poetry expert, so anything I advise doesn’t have to be taken seriously. 😉

    I think dinosaurs are cooler than dragons. 🦖

    #33382
    Kayla Joy
    @kayla-joy

    Here is a sestina I did for a class I took… I am not the biggest fan of sestinas, too much repetitive words…

    Autumn Magic

    Good ol’ Jack has come to paint the forest with frost.

    All along the ground lay fallen leaves.

    Through the trees softly blowing is the wind.

    In the air is the smell of sweet apple cider

    In the garden, hidden in green the orange pumpkin

    The trees, the leaves, the color scarlet.

     

    A little girl with a scarf of scarlet

    To ward off the chill of early frost.

    Dances around the patch of pumpkin

    Runs through the piles of crunchy leaves.

    The promise of apple cider

    Helps her ignore the cold wind.

     

    The biting, gnashing, chilling wind

    That turns the girl’s cheeks scarlet

    Her lips the color of apple cider.

    The ground and grass iced with frost

    All around blow the fallen leaves

    That eddy and swirl round the pumpkins.

     

    Suddenly from behind the pumpkin

    Comes a magical gust of wind

    That blows the yellow and orange leaves

    Through the trees of scarlet

    Thawing the biting frost

    From the little girl’s lips of apple cider.

    From the wind that smells of apple cider

    Comes a coach made of a large pumpkin

    Covered in swirling designs of frost.

    Appears from the magic wind

    A silk ball gown of bright deep scarlet

    And a crown of sparkling golden leaves

     

    Materializes for the little girl from out of the leaves.

    The promise of apple cider

    Is forgotten on the way to the castle of scarlet

    In that carriage of pumpkin

    Which rides the north wind

    To the castle of the prince of frost.

     

    The princess dances with leaves in the castle of frost

    Till a mother’s voice breezes in on the wind telling of the warm apple cider.

    Away in a cloud of scarlet go the castle and gown all that’s left of the magic is a pumpkin.

    Red haired Disney Nerd. Proverbs 3:5-6 ENFP-T

    #33421
    Sir Leeds
    @sir-leeds

    Hey @scribbles !

    Here’s the meaning I get out of this one:

    The narrator starts out hopeful in adversity, then the match and flint metaphors seem to explain how adversity can produce hope, and the last part kind of puzzles me with the word “even”.

    Candles burn. That’s their thing. So the word “even” seems out of place to me unless this is a special, non-burning candle or you’re trying to say that even a candle burns down to nothing. If it’s the former, I’d love to know what kind of candle I’m dealing with here, if it’s the latter, you might want to consider dwelling on that thought for a few more lines, and if it’s neither and you just wanted to point out that candles burn, I’d recommend cutting out the word “even”.

    Hope that helps!

    "We are far too easily pleased." - C. S. Lewis

    #33571
    Rachel Rogers
    @scribbles

    @mariposa First of all, I always take you seriously. Or at least…always when you’re being serious… 😉 😛


    @sir-leeds
    The non-burning candle is an interesting concept for another day, but no, I was just talking about normal candles, haha. Definitely worth asking, though.


    @mariposa
    and @sir-leeds First of all, thank you so much for your input. Basically, I liked the beginning of the piece, and then it got questionable about where the candle idea is introduced, which is causing a lot of confusion. That’s probably why I didn’t like it, but I didn’t know this until I had some external commentary.

    In a nutshell, the point I was trying to make is this: All these things that shine a light into the world endure some degree of suffering along the way.

    Where it says that a candle burns, I somehow overlooked the obvious meaning: that a candle burns up/is consumed. I was actually thinking about that particular type of pain…like a nettle sting burns, like skin damaged by fire burns. So maybe I need a verb that’s less confusing, for one thing.

    What about this:

    It takes a strike

    to light a match,

    a collision of flints to make

    sparks–

    and even a candle, warm

    and incalescent,

    must fizzle and burn

    to share the rhythm of

    its luminous heartsong.

    I’m honestly not sure yet how I feel about that either, but hopefully it at least makes more sense even if it’s not gorgeous poetry yet? 😛 (Also, it was a toss-up between “heartsong” and “dance.” I’m open to suggestions…)

    Ambiverted INFP. Scribbles all the words. Names the plant friends. Secretly Edna the Piguirrel.

    #33650
    Mariposa Aristeo
    @mariposa

    @scribbles Yes! 😃 That extra line certainly makes the meaning much clearer! 👍🏻

    I personally prefer “dance” over “heartsong” because when a candle flickers, it looks like it’s dancing. I’m not sure how I feel about the word “fizzle” though. 🤔 Is there any other word you could substitute? Other than that, I’d say it’s pretty near perfect. 💜

    I think dinosaurs are cooler than dragons. 🦖

    #33939
    Rachel Rogers
    @scribbles

    @mariposa Yay! “Dance” it is… And I thought “fizzle” didn’t really fit, too. It was the closest thing I could think of for that sound the wick makes when you first light a candle (especially a new one). Other options are “crackle,” “sputter,””falter”…

    Or maybe this is better, with another added line:

    and even a candle, warm

    and incalescent,

    must sizzle and sputter,

    losing part of itself

    to share the rhythm of

    its luminous dance.

    Ambiverted INFP. Scribbles all the words. Names the plant friends. Secretly Edna the Piguirrel.

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