Poem critics…come hither!

Forums Poetry Poetry Discussions Poem critics…come hither!

This topic contains 4 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Emma Starr 5 months, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #72544

    Emma Starr
    @emma-starr

    I want to submit this poem to Story Embers. Please tear it apart! Tell me if it’s any good, what to fix, anything! 🙂 @libby @scribbles @sir-leeds  @evelyn @k-a-grey @kb-writer

     

    Moonflower

     

    She is the moonflower.

    A mysterious being in the daylight,

    With no apparent beauty

    But her fluid grace.

     

    Her leaves and tiny tendrils search, probing,

    Pursuing the light above.

    Her vines cling to the guiding trellis,

    As she makes her way up the rough wall.

    Why is she among the cherished beauties?

     

    Few truly know her,

    For only those who look deeply for loveliness,

    Peering through the playful shadows at dusk,

    And through the shroud of twilight,

    Who discover

     

    On the tender, weaving vine,

    Moonbeams caress a small, green bundle.

    It gradually peeps open,

    Eagerly stretching its petals outwards.

    Reflecting the light of the moon,

    A blossom,

    Pale and pure.

     

    Her leaves flutter softly in the breeze.

    A honeyed sweetness drifts through the night air,

    As luminous flowers cluster over the vine,

    Filled to their brims with starlight.

     

    Her beauty is hidden,

    And many take her for a common vine.

    But they are mistaken.

     

    Even her common appearance cannot hide her identity.

    For when others show their beauty, she does not.

    But where they cannot,

    in the darkness,

    she blooms.

     

    • This topic was modified 6 months ago by  Emma Starr.

    Spreading God's love until I can see seven billion smiles. 🙂

    https://sevenbillionsmiles.home.blog/

    #72645

    Katherine Baker
    @kb-writer

    @emma-starr

    Very beautiful! I love the idea of using a moonflower to describe true beauty! It’s really lovely.

    It’s not quite there yet, but I’m struggling to decipher what I don’t like about it. I liked it more as we came to the end (starting stanza 4) than in the beginning. A few things to play around with:

    Maybe your analogy is too obvious? You tell me right from the beginning that you are comparing a girl to a moonflower, and you tell me what people think of her. I wonder if you can be more subtle. I think the beauty of the other section is that I had the chance to dissect and find meaning in the description. You don’t tell me what any of that means, but I know what that beauty represents. Perhaps start it something like:  “I see her in the daylight / the moonflower /

    And flow directly into:

    Her leaves and tiny tendrils search, probing,
    Pursuing the light above.
    Her vines cling to the guiding trellis,
    As she makes her way up the rough wall.
    Why is she among the cherished beauties?

    Then for the 3rd stanza, instead of telling me that few know her, just let that be assumed. Come to your second part with something like: We watch her in the day and scoff / We don’t understand her purpose / but when I dare to come at midnight I see her / …
    Peering through the playful shadows at dusk,
    And through the shroud of twilight,
    discover

    Does that make any sense? I think more eluding and less telling would help. Try it out, and see if you like it (using your own words, of course!).

    Another thing to try would be messing with the length of the lines and seeing if you can make them all a bit more consistent. It’s okay to have some variation (obviously. It’s freestyle) but smoothing it out might help it flow better in the readers’ mind.

     

    Let me know if any of this helped! I can’t wait to see your poetry on Story Embers!

    Always remember you're unique...
    ...Just like everyone else

    #72669

    Emma Starr
    @emma-starr

    @kb-writer Thank you so much for your advice!!

    When I was writing this, I actually wasn’t thinking of true beauty. I was trying to communicate, in a very general sense, that Christians may appear to be like everyone else, but in times when non-believers cannot thrive, (like difficult trials and dark times) Christians shine their light and still thrive from the help of the Spirit. Maybe the beginning is misleading…the lines about the “no apparent beauty.” Is the analogy a bit too far-fetched and vague?

    Also, since that was my aim, does that change your opinion about less telling? (I totally see what you’re saying, but since my whole goal was to portray something else, I might need to alter the focus)

    I will work on making the lines a little smoother and more uniform. (That should help a lot!)

     

    Spreading God's love until I can see seven billion smiles. 🙂

    https://sevenbillionsmiles.home.blog/

    #72769

    Sir Leeds
    @sir-leeds

    @emma-star

    I agree with Katherine. Most great poetry I’ve seen tends to walk a fine tightrope, with extreme ambiguity on one side and extreme straightforwardness on the other. And to me, this piece is leaning towards too much straightforwardness.

    Here’s something else to consider: what kind of poetry does Story Embers normally publish? I don’t necessarily have an answer for you on that, but I think it’s worth thinking about and then taking a hard look at what you’re thinking of submitting. That’s not to say that publishers only publish pieces that are similar to what they’ve published before, but they usually do.

    Can’t wait to see where this goes! Keep it up.

    #72955

    Emma Starr
    @emma-starr

    @sir-leeds Thanks! I hadn’t thought too much about straightforwardness vs subtleness in my poetry. Now I see that it’s much needed. 😀

    Spreading God's love until I can see seven billion smiles. 🙂

    https://sevenbillionsmiles.home.blog/

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