- This topic has 10 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 1 month ago by
.
-
Posts
-
This is part of a story poem. I don’t really know poetry so i’m not sure if this is good or not. And i’m not sure on a name yet. @jane-maree @josiah @dakota @anyoneelsewhoknowspoetrymorethanido
Scorching heat,
Burning feet,
Waiting on those who still believe,
Who still hope, who still dream.
Laughing loud,
Talking proud,
Waiting on me to give them more,
Who will not hope, who will not dream.
Tiresome work,
Endless labor,
Wanting me to put on more plates,
For more to eat, for more to enjoy.
Happy mood,
Full of food,
Wanting me to hurry clear it away,
With a smile on my face, without another word to say.
Empty stomach,
Hurting heartache,
I push on as they slowly start to fade,
I push on to finish, I push on for the food to be made.
Costumers fade,
Food is made,
Paid workers all eat their fill,
While I serve all the food, all against my will.
Plate empty,
Hands shaky,
Nothing left for the servant girl,
Nothing left, nothing at all.
Lonely walk,
Across the block,
Where sticks, and stones were my only bed,
Where I fear that there would be my death.
Where would I go?
How would I know?
Why couldn’t they see the pain in my eyes?
Why couldn’t they see that the smiles were lies?
Why does it hurt?
Why do I have this pain?
Or does no one out their care?
And have hope to share?
Aww this was so sad! I really liked the core style you had going, but I’m not really one for poetry so let me tag some other people. 😛
@emma-starr
@mariposa
@anne-of-lothlorien
@scribblesWriting Heroes ♦ Writing Hope // janemareeauthor.com.au
okay, thank you @jane-maree !
Let me tag our resident poetry experts. @daeus-lamb @mackenzie
Excellent poem! That was beautiful! I love how you used the unusual metric (short, short, long, long) to portray a story and keep my attention. Overall, it’s a really good piece.
The only part I saw to be improved was the first two lines of stanza 3:
Tiresome work,
Endless labor,
You had set a precedence that the first two lines would rhyme (or near-rhyme) in the stanzas preceding and following, but this one didn’t follow it. Part of poetry is getting your reader into a rhythm of how things go, and you risk jolting them out of it if you break the pattern. Is there a way you could make those two lines rhyme?
Other than that, this was excellent work. I really enjoyed it. I always have to read good poetry twice: the first time I get lulled into the rhythm, and the second time I digest the words. This poem did that to me. Good job!
Always remember you're unique...
...Just like everyone else@katthewriter Nice poem. I think it really portrays its theme well. I would agree with @kb-writer about stanza three but otherwise, good work.
Psalm 119:11
Your word I have hidden in my heart,
That I might not sin against You.thank you! I couldn’t really find anything else to go there.. that was one problem.
@kattherwriter
Perhaps…
Endless toil
all turmoil
Or…
Tiresome labor
None are my neighbor
Or…
Laboring on
dusk until dawn
I usually play around with the idea until I find something I like. I hope these get your juices flowing, at least.
Always remember you're unique...
...Just like everyone else@w-o-holmes
<p style=”text-align: left;”></p>Same here as before. Yes, it is good.
You’ve got serious talent, Kat! Fly with it!
- The forum ‘Poetry Discussions’ is closed to new topics and replies.
