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Part of a Story Poem

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  • #53521
    Katthewriter
    @katthewriter

    This is part of a story poem. I don’t really know poetry so i’m not sure if this is good or not. And i’m not sure on a name yet. @jane-maree @josiah @dakota @anyoneelsewhoknowspoetrymorethanido

    Scorching heat,

    Burning feet,

    Waiting on those who still believe,

    Who still hope, who still dream.

     

    Laughing loud,

    Talking proud,

    Waiting on me to give them more,

    Who will not hope, who will not dream.

     

    Tiresome work,

    Endless labor,

    Wanting me to put on more plates,

    For more to eat, for more to enjoy.

     

    Happy mood,

    Full of food,

    Wanting me to hurry clear it away,

    With a smile on my face, without another word to say.

     

    Empty stomach,

    Hurting heartache,

    I push on as they slowly start to fade,

    I push on to finish, I push on for the food to be made.

     

    Costumers fade,

    Food is made,

    Paid workers all eat their fill,

    While I serve all the food, all against my will.

     

    Plate empty,

    Hands shaky,

    Nothing left for the servant girl,

    Nothing left, nothing at all.

     

    Lonely walk,

    Across the block,

    Where sticks, and stones were my only bed,

    Where I fear that there would be my death.

     

    Where would I go?

    How would I know?

    Why couldn’t they see the pain in my eyes?

    Why couldn’t they see that the smiles were lies?

     

    Why does it hurt?

    Why do I have this pain?

    Or does no one out their care?

    And have hope to share?

    • This topic was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Katthewriter.
    #53590
    Jane Maree
    @jane-maree

    Aww this was so sad! I really liked the core style you had going, but I’m not really one for poetry so let me tag some other people. 😛


    @emma-starr


    @mariposa


    @anne-of-lothlorien


    @scribbles

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Jane Maree.

    Writing Heroes ♦ Writing Hope // janemareeauthor.com.au

    #53597
    Katthewriter
    @katthewriter

    okay, thank you @jane-maree !

    #53683
    Josiah DeGraaf
    @josiah

    Let me tag our resident poetry experts. @daeus-lamb @mackenzie

    Lit fanatic. Eclectic reader. Theology nerd. Writing fantasy at https://josiahdegraaf.com

    #54038
    Katherine Baker
    @kb-writer

    @katthewriter

    Excellent poem! That was beautiful! I love how you used the unusual metric (short, short, long, long) to portray a story and keep my attention. Overall, it’s a really good piece.

    The only part I saw to be improved was the first two lines of stanza 3:

    Tiresome work,

    Endless labor,

    You had set a precedence that the first two lines would rhyme (or near-rhyme) in the stanzas preceding and following, but this one didn’t follow it. Part of poetry is getting your reader into a rhythm of how things go, and you risk jolting them out of it if you break the pattern. Is there a way you could make those two lines rhyme?

    Other than that, this was excellent work. I really enjoyed it. I always have to read good poetry twice: the first time I get lulled into the rhythm, and the second time I digest the words. This poem did that to me. Good job!

    Always remember you're unique...
    ...Just like everyone else

    #54391
    Dakota
    @dakota

    @katthewriter Nice poem. I think it really portrays its theme well. I would agree with @kb-writer about stanza three but otherwise, good work.

    Psalm 119:11
    Your word I have hidden in my heart,
    That I might not sin against You.

    #58835
    Katthewriter
    @katthewriter
    #58836
    Katthewriter
    @katthewriter

    @kb-writer @dakota

    thank you! I couldn’t really find anything else to go there.. that was one problem.

    #58956
    Katherine Baker
    @kb-writer

    @kattherwriter

    Perhaps…

    Endless toil

    all turmoil

     

    Or…

    Tiresome labor

    None are my neighbor

     

    Or…

    Laboring on

    dusk until dawn

     

    I usually play around with the idea until I find something I like. I hope these get your juices flowing, at least.

    Always remember you're unique...
    ...Just like everyone else

    #98178
    Katthewriter
    @katthewriter

    @w-o-holmes
    <p style=”text-align: left;”></p>

    #98190
    Leon Fleming
    @w-o-holmes

    @katthewriter

    Same here as before. Yes, it is good.

    You’ve got serious talent, Kat! Fly with it!

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by Leon Fleming.
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