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Part 1! (of my book)

Forums Fiction General Writing Discussions Part 1! (of my book)

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  • #121077
    Lona
    @lonathecat

    Hello again, lovely people.

    Here is the entire Part 1 of my book. Which, is actually not very long compared to other book’s parts (8pgs). It’s just a backstory-story. Maybe I should name it Introduction instead of Part 1…

    Anyways, as always, if you do get the chance to read it, then any feedback you have is appreciated.

    Have a nice day. 🙂

    https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QUPnuzWTZsdXLPytOY5OVkMfe0PuwoEy47z3yFdS24I/edit

     

    #121080
    Zee
    @zee

    The Google Doc it’s in appears to be locked.

    #121082
    Lona
    @lonathecat

    @zee

    Whoops. It should work now.

    #121214
    Mischievous Thwapling
    @mischievous-thwapling

    @lonathecat

    I will definitely read it and give any advice I think of to you as soon as I can! 😀 (Hopefully this or next week, then)

    If your dreams turn to dust... vacuum.
    ~Author Unknown

    #121836
    Lona
    @lonathecat

    @mischievous-thwapling

    If you have time for it, then great! Otherwise, I completely understand being pressed for time. 🙂

    #121926
    Mischievous Thwapling
    @mischievous-thwapling

    @lonathecat

    Oh my word I’m so sorry for not getting back to you on this! I said that in October! *facepalms* I’ve read it (and loved it) I just gotta write down the critique. (I don’t think I even noticed much of that anyways)

    If your dreams turn to dust... vacuum.
    ~Author Unknown

    #121930
    Mischievous Thwapling
    @mischievous-thwapling

     


    @lonathecat

    Okee dokee, here we go.

    For the record, I REALLY like your comparison with the painter and the painting. Wonderful simile.

    I noticed you started a lot of sentence with “For” at the beginning, so it sounded a bit repetitive, but not that bad. I think it can still work just as it is, but I guess that’s for you to decide. 😉

    This is just a typo, I believe: “The taught them how to listen, how to act as the voice of those who had none, and how to care for other creatures.”   I think you meant: “They taught.. etc.”

    And just a comma thing here: “This worried the sisters, because there would be no telling how the Humans would respond.” I think there should be no comma before the because clause, but I don’t know if there’s an exception to the no-comma-before-because-clauses rule, so if there is an exception that I’m not aware of, ignore this. 😀

    “The People, startled by the sudden outburst looked to the sisters for help.”  I think you’re missing a comma.  I think it needs to be: “The People, startled by the sudden outburstlooked to the sisters for help.” So comma after outburst. 🙂

    Then right here: “We have made a grave error, sister.” Death spoke.” I think you need a comma instead of a period before Death, and I don’t know whether it’d be spoke or said. I think said, but again, I don’t know, so do what you want 😛

    And just another typo, I believe: “Pease, forgive us.” I think you meant: “Please, forgive us.” 

    *claps emphatically* I LOVED IT!! It was so creative, and the Silver Lake touch… beautiful.  I hope I didn’t sound harsh with my critique, and know that you’re a wonderful writer, whose creativity I can only attempt to replicate!

     

    If your dreams turn to dust... vacuum.
    ~Author Unknown

    #121937
    Lona
    @lonathecat

    @mischievous-thwapling

    Thanks! I love making similes and double meanings. They’re so fun. 🙂

    Hmm good point. I don’t know why I like the word ‘for’ so much. I see how I went a bit overkill with it though, haha. I will make a note to myself to fix that when I go back and edit my whole mess of a story.

    Ah, yep. Typos! Thanks for catching those! And of course, my old nemesis commas…One day I shall defeat them…one day…(hopefully 😛 ). For now I’m just going to trust your comma judgements.

    And just another typo, I believe: “Pease, forgive us.” I think you meant: “Please, forgive us.”

    Haha no, I definitely meant the Dragons were addressing a bowl of pease porridge and begging it for forgiveness. What else could I have possibly meant? XD

    Again, don’t worry at all about sounding harsh! (It’s hard to sound harsh when you use similies. 🙂 )

    Thank you! That means a lot! 🙂

    I have learned that the randomest people are very often the most creative, and I have no doubt that there is fountain of creative genius just waiting to explode in you. 😉

    #121983
    Mischievous Thwapling
    @mischievous-thwapling

    @lonathecat

    Ah, yes, commas are foes whose deviousness goes back for many, many generations. Thou is not alone in thine fight. Aye, I mineself hast been battling right beside thou in the great war. 😛 (In all seriousness, though, I totally get that. Commas rules are really hard for me to remember, too)

    Lol! For a split second, I wondered if I was mixed up and you’d meant something along those lines, but I thought it best to point it out to be safe XD

    Aw, your welcome! And thank you!! Often times, I find creativity sparks at the most random moments.. So if I put myself in a lot of those random moments, would that mean I’d be more creative?? *thoughtfully taps chin*

     

    If your dreams turn to dust... vacuum.
    ~Author Unknown

    #121999
    Lona
    @lonathecat

    @mischievous-thwapling

    I hath just been struck with the most mind-wrenching conspiracy. What if the heinous creamy peanut butters invented the comma?? What if this evil may be attributed to them???

    Haha I’m just glad you got my sarcasm. I’ve had way too many failed sarcasms over text. XD

    Hmmm. I’d say so. *strokes imaginary cat thoughtfully* Or maybe you’re just creative for having random moments in the first place.

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 2 weeks ago by Lona.
    #122063
    Mischievous Thwapling
    @mischievous-thwapling

    @lonathecat

    *GASP* Thou musteth be right! The creamy peanut butters must be behind the nefarious commas…

    Lol, same XD Hard to convey meanings without tone.

    *stares at screen as my tiny mind is blown* Lona, you are a fountain of wisdom, pure wisdom.

    If your dreams turn to dust... vacuum.
    ~Author Unknown

    #122068
    Ella
    @writergirl101

    @lonathecat

    Lona, this is really good!!  I love reading about how fantasy worlds are created. 😉

    Hope there’s more to come!!!

    Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn.

    #122077
    Lona
    @lonathecat

    @writergirl101

    Thanks, I’m glad you liked it!

    Do you also write fantasy? 🙂


    @mischievous-thwapling

    Obviously there is no other explanation… 😛

    That’s something I’ve always wondered; with tonal languages, like Chinese, do you just flat out say your emotions instead of raising your voice or dropping it to express yourself? Because I’d imagine since it’s tonal you can’t really use different tones without unintentionally changing what you say. So like, how does that work? XD

    Haha I’m flattered that you think so, but the many, many, many, ridiculous situations I’ve gotten myself into are a testament to my unwise-ness. 😉

    #122099
    Mischievous Thwapling
    @mischievous-thwapling

    @lonathecat

    Wow, I never thought about that… I have no idea!! That’s an interesting thought..

    Ah, but that’s all of us! I mean, anybody you talk to can testify to getting into a ridiculous situations. But I get what you mean.. I’m always face-palming at myself, ha ha.

    If your dreams turn to dust... vacuum.
    ~Author Unknown

    #122113
    Lona
    @lonathecat

    @mischievous-thwapling

    True haha. But if there’s one skill I’m glad to have mastered, it’s the art of laughing at myself. Makes my own stupidity a bit easier to bear. 😛

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