Newest But Eventually Older Critique

Forums Poetry Poetry Discussions Newest But Eventually Older Critique

This topic contains 9 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Banana Peacock Warrior 2 days, 12 hours ago.

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  • #98123

    Leon Fleming
    @w-o-holmes

    @k-a-grey @emma-starr @emberynus-the-dragonslayer @anne_the_noob14 @dakota @parker

    Vim and Vigour

    When walking on along the shore

    You stop and sight a thickly hall

    That, lights a’shine, is loud and long

    And ever bright, the windows strong;

    They sprout the wing and sing to fly

    Into the wind and off the sea

    That crisp and thick, is sheltered not

    And plastered wick, the beach is hot.

    Then walking up and to the door

    It opens and he steps the inn.

    Lights a’shine within the ‘liers

    That iron-cast are white with tears.

    Round the room the tables spread

    And thickly laid with buttered bread.

    Then not to mention ‘ll other such

    Aliments that when the mutter

    Would, last, escape the mouth – the tender

    And finally to pass the bender

    Unto the irons, so hot with fire

    That whence ere on the evening’s bar

    Had long been taken upon the roar-

    The red, the yellow, not blue, but black

    The fire swallowed all in the sack

    For there had been the laiden rack,

    And that so full of mood that air

    Could not escape nor come back in.

    Then up the table a man a’soars

    And shouts aloud for all to hear, 

    “Ahoy! Ye lads! And hearken me!

    I think I spy a new lad here!

    Come now on and have a drop

    Tis nothing more than cider throp!”

    True to his word, the drink was well

    And many did he swallow there.

    For sweet but sharp was cider and

    The mugs were shaped the barrel hand

    So as to look as if the load

    Was larger than it would appear.

    But naught was he to be induced

    Unto the table where laiden few

    T’was covered far too largely for

    His stomache to hold out and all.

    The laughter, song, and merriment was

    Of vim and vigour, for many o’ them

    Were wide a’belt and strong the arm

    The beard was, to, a kindly hue.

    So not were they the drunken few

    For cider was the token brew.

    And apple, plum, and peach there too

    Did water down the richest food

    For there the cook was jovial

    And wide, she too, her husband so.

    Now, they had cooked many a year

    Within that merry sea-side build

    And family were all there to

    Be happily and there be wed

    The young man who in far the start

    Had only sought to take apart

    The threads that had entwined his mind

    And there also within his heart.

    For courage did he need and so

    He happened out upon the stow’

    And there courage he did acquire

    And after he arranged and dire

    The need did he and so he knelt

    In front of his ‘loved damsel

    And propose and finally the pearl

    Did say the yes and after few

    Short months they were united in

    That burly place, that welcomed them

    And all the years, did far they see

    It fit to occupy that space

    And in the end they rested long

    Within the back, that merry throng.

    I wrote this some time ago and left it to the dust of my documents.

    #98269

    Leon Fleming
    @w-o-holmes

    Almost didn’t forget: @ericawordsmith @katthewriter @evelyn

    #98316

    EricaWordsmith
    @ericawordsmith

      @w-o-holmes

      *Sighs* I am sorry… I have multiple tags that I haven’t responded to, but here I am, I read the poem.

      It was lovely! I love the word choices and the way it tells a story. I really love nautical/ocean anything, so this definitely was enjoyable to me. I honestly don’t know how to critique poetry as I’m still such a novice pretending to pick up the poet’s pen… But I can tell you that it was lovely.

      Tek an ohta! Tek an cala!

      #98343

      Evelyn
      @evelyn

      @w-o-holmes First of all, thank you for not forgetting me. 😉

      Second of all, like Erica said, lovely! However, I am afraid critique on poetry is not my strong point, especially with all the different styles and techniques and goals and visions that people have. *sighs* I wish I could help more…

      #98345

      Leon Fleming
      @w-o-holmes

      @ericawordsmith

      Life is like a river. You sweep into a pool that you stay in for a time then are washed away again.

      Thank you! Yea, me too! My family loves going to the beach; Fort Bragg on the Pacific coast. We do the same things every time. We just love it.

      A funny tale: this year before I went to the beach, I said that I was going to write at least five poems on or about the ocean and its many sands. Guess what? I wrote them all before (this one above being one of them) then when I got there, I sat back and relaxed. I think I only wrote about four lines. XD

      Both @evelyn and @ericawordsmith

      Hey, all I expect when I say something about critique is either your general thoughts, or/and deeper critiques. So y’all did fine! Thanks for commenting! 🙂

      Thanks!

      #98371

      Evelyn
      @evelyn

      @w-o-holmes My pleasure! 😀

      #98372

      Evelyn
      @evelyn

      (And no, before you ask, I don’t work at Chick-fil-a 😆 )

      #98435

      Emberynus The Dragonslayer
      @emberynus-the-dragonslayer

      @w-o-holmes WOW. I love your style!! You carry the story so well!

      You can't live for long living for nothing-Hector Griffin

      #98489

      Dakota
      @dakota

      @w-o-holmes Yes, I love the vividness of the style! Good work.

      Psalm 119:11
      Your word I have hidden in my heart,
      That I might not sin against You.

      #98582

      Banana Peacock Warrior
      @banana-peacock-warrior

        @w-o-holmes: I loved this poem! I’ll admit that this isn’t my own typical style I write in but I WILL say that it flowed super nicely. All the lines matched up really well and as an admiring poetry reader I was able to do so very easily. Plus, your word choice was beautiful! Nice work! 👍🏻

        “When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.”
        ‭‭Psalm‬ ‭94:19‬ ‭

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