October 16, 2018 at 11:32 am #53232
I wasn’t entirely sure about sharing my work here, but I’ve been encouraged by more than one person to go ahead, so here it goes…
This first one will be a copy&paste, but I might just do some writing directly into the discussion group because – weirdly enough – I do pretty well with that.
This is a rough first draft. So not very good.
Pushing a few wayward strands of her brown hair behind her ear, Renee Landers sucked in a breath in an attempt to fill her lungs, trying in vain to calm her beating heart. The words on the screen seemed to glare back at her, daring her to [refute] them.
“…and we weren’t meant to be a couple. I’m sorry, but we’ll only ever be friends.” He gave her three or four reasons – none of which made complete sense to her – but he was quite clear. Renee had no choice but to accept his one-sided decision. But she wondered if they could still be friends. His friendship meant a lot to her, but her emotions were all topsy-turvy concerning him.
Besides, she tried to comfort herself, he’s so far away I’d never even meet him, let alone date him. She tried to shrug the helplessness off, but it hugged her shoulders like a bathing suit might, seeming to weigh down on her. She shook her head, trying desperately to rid herself of the heaviness she felt.
“Renee! Could you come help me, please?” The summons came just in time. Renee leaped from her desk chair – sending the thing rolling across the floor – and sped out of her room. She took enough time to be sure her door was securely closed.
“Yeah, Mom?” she responded as she entered the kitchen. She stopped short, wishing she stayed at
her desk. The mayhem of the [kitchen] provided enough information for her. The rather [disgusting], repulsive task of helping to clean the kitchen is why her mother summoned her. Groaning quietly, Renee attempted to slowly and quietly back out of the small cooking area.
“Hold it!” Renee pursed her lips, wishing she’d been just a few steps quicker in her escape. Maybe then she would have actually succeeded.
With her eyes squeezed shut and praying for patience, Renee turned slowly back to face her mother, hoping she would be able to keep her whining complaints inside. After all, Irene Landers didn’t ask for much from her daughter, and helping to clean the kitchen wasn’t that bad.
Well … it might be, Renee thought as she peered around her. Dishes were piled high in both sinks, each [pile] threatening to tumble with loud crashing noises if any more were added. The bag containing the bread loaf was open, crumbs covering the counter surface beside it. A serrated knife lay beside the bag, attesting to being used for cutting. Two jam jars sat on the counter – both open. The stovetop was filthy with spills from whatever her mother used to make supper the day before.
Doing her best to sigh under her breath instead of out loud as she wished to do, Renee moved forward, leaned against a spot on the counter that was actually clean – that she could see – and crossed her arms as she met her mother’s blue eyes. Shrugging as if to say “I don’t know what you want with me, but I’m here”, she lifted her chin in a semi-defiant [manner], waiting for Irene Landers to speak.
Her mother did not disappoint her. Motioning to the dirty room – Renee noted the floors were covered with crumbs and stains that needed to be vaccuumed up and mopped – inviting her daughter without words to aid in the clean-up.
She must not think I ever do anything around here. Why else would she insist I help her with something like this? Renee [reluctantly] moved forward, snagging a dishcloth from beside the sink. She quickly dunked it beneath the surface of the tepid water once full of bubbles.
Wringing the excess liquid back into the sink and striding to the kitchen table Renee proceeded to wipe at the stickiness on the surface. The wide arcs she made soon accomplished the job she set out to do – without being asked, she thought proudly. She then turned to her mother with a big smile on her face, expecting to see a look of pleasant surprise on Irene Landers’ face.
Only there was no smile. Her eyes didn’t squint at Renee in appreciation. Her arms had lifted from her sides to [cross over her chest] – much as Renee had done earlier. Renee lifted an eyebrow, wondering what had caused her mother’s [fearsome] expression.
“What now?” she asked, shrugging her slight shoulders. She tossed the cleaning rag back into the sink, hearing a plop as it landed in the cooling water. Hearing movement behind her she turned to see that her youngest brother had joined their mother. He eyed each of them in turn, ending with Renee and raising one brow in question.
I wish I was able to do that, Renee groused. She stuck her tongue out instead. Her brother smirked, rolling his eyes as he turned and walked away. He apparently found the scene of little interest, since his normal inclination to stay and watch wasn’t present. Renee wondered at his lack of curiosity, but her attention was diverted back to her mother as the woman stepped forward.
“You think you can just do nothing and get away with it, young lady? You are so wrong.” The expression on her mother’s face frightened Renee to the point of spinning, grabbing the dishcloth again and starting to wipe at the crumb-covered counter top. She had to move several dishes, as well as the bottles of ketchup and mustard.
“What are you doing?” Renee jerked her hands away, turned back to her mother and opened her mouth to explain that she was doing the job her mother expected of her. However, knowing what her mom wanted and doing it without being asked didn’t seem to please the older woman.
HAPPY WRITING!!October 16, 2018 at 11:53 am #53245
@kr-lalonde, ooh!!! This is really good!! I was put into the story very well!! ANd the conflict in the scene is very engaging!!! I can’t wait for more!!
Living in a world of mystery and dangerous predicaments while working with the AWESOME Meraki's.October 16, 2018 at 11:55 am #53248Buddy J.@wordsmith
Hey! That was really good! You’re characters are so fun and interesting.
Published author, reader of many books, Student in writing, and Lumenite!October 16, 2018 at 4:02 pm #53313
Wow! Thank you both! I have other stories that I’ve worked in, also, and will share different parts from different stories. If I were to have one thread for each story I’d probably have 5 or 6. YIKES!
HAPPY WRITING!!October 16, 2018 at 4:04 pm #53314
I should probably warn you, though, that completing something hasn’t been the custom for me. IN fact, I guess you could say I’m known for not finishing something… 🙁
HAPPY WRITING!!October 17, 2018 at 9:01 am #53454
@kr-lalonde, hey, it can be hard to finish a project. Especially, if it’s difficult to care a lot for your characters. I’ve had a problem writing anything but my book series because the other characters are hard to love as much.
Living in a world of mystery and dangerous predicaments while working with the AWESOME Meraki's.October 17, 2018 at 9:30 am #53459
@parker, it is difficult for me to become attached to my characters. For some reason, thinking of them as real people is difficult a lot of the time. Although, when I’m writing I get into the story. I almost feel as if I’m there myself. I think it’s good if you can imagine yourself in your character’s shoes.
Of course, I’m having trouble imagining Renee. Or Ruth. Or David. Or Peter. For different reasons, but…
HAPPY WRITING!!October 17, 2018 at 9:49 am #53460
@kr-lalonde, very much the same with me. It just makes it so hard to finish.
Living in a world of mystery and dangerous predicaments while working with the AWESOME Meraki's.October 17, 2018 at 9:49 am #53461
Written here–no title; names?
Meredith Sinclair glanced around as she attempted to find out where to go from the sizable lobby. She took hesitant steps forward upon glimpsing the large secretary’s desk. Asking for help was probably her best option.
“Hello,” she greeted upon arriving at the [high up counter]. Setting her purse down on the flat marble surface she tried explaining her needs to the [stately] woman working on a computer. The woman lifted one finger to indicate Meredith should wait, continuing to type furiously at the keyboard sitting before her.
At last she paused and glanced up, a smile that looked pasted into place on her face.
“Can I help you?” Meredith opened her mouth to explain that she had an appointment with Male Main, but at that moment a man in a three-piece suit rushed up, shouldering her out of the way as he [snagged] the [secretary]’s attention.
“I need these scanned and emailed to secondary character in the next thirty minutes or we’ll lose [control of so-and-so’s account].
- This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by KR LaLonde.
HAPPY WRITING!!October 17, 2018 at 9:54 am #53463
PS: Any time I use [brackets] it shows where I’m thinking the word/ing needs to be changed. This usually happens with adjectives, but sometimes also with nouns and verbs.
HAPPY WRITING!!October 17, 2018 at 10:02 am #53464
@kr-lalonde, Ooh!! Very nice snippet!!
XD!! I was wondering about the brackets.
Living in a world of mystery and dangerous predicaments while working with the AWESOME Meraki's.October 17, 2018 at 10:05 am #53465
Yes. I don’t think it would be good to leave it as “control of so-and-so’s account” now would it? 😀
HAPPY WRITING!!October 17, 2018 at 10:18 am #53468
@kr-lalonde, XD!! No, unless he didn’t want to tell who it was. But then that would be mysterious.
Living in a world of mystery and dangerous predicaments while working with the AWESOME Meraki's.October 17, 2018 at 10:21 am #53469
Well, many of my WIP are what I hope to make Christian romantic suspense, but I don’t know much about either romance or suspense. I may read a lot (or done so in the past, at least), but my brain is like a spaghetti strainer: It doesn’t hold much.
HAPPY WRITING!!October 17, 2018 at 10:43 am #53476
@kr-lalonde, hmm. Suspense can be difficult. I know that because I write mystery and thriller, and suspense is vitally important in those genres. Romance seems like it would be fairly easy for me, though I know nothing much about it.
And you said you’ve read in these genres quite a bit?
Living in a world of mystery and dangerous predicaments while working with the AWESOME Meraki's.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.