December 21, 2021 at 8:03 pm #146087
@winter_rose Yeah, I’m not the one who wrote the prompt, @noah-cochran was, so I’m not quite sure what he meant by that either. I’d say maybe focus on only one Pov’s introspection? And then try to show what the other characters might be thinking from the main character’s point of view. But again, I didn’t write the prompt, so you might want to check back with him.December 21, 2021 at 8:09 pm #146088Noah Cochran@noah-cochran
I just meant show the PoV character thinking about the other two characters and their arguments. Don’t show more than one PoV.
Have fun!December 21, 2021 at 8:12 pm #146089Winter Rose@winter_roseDecember 21, 2021 at 9:43 pm #146094
Nice try, Emily. It is 500 words on the nose because I left out two…and now I can’t even go back and edit it, and I spent so long editing before I posted it isn’t faaaaair!
Hier steche ich. Ich kann nicht anders. Gott helfe mir. Amen. ~Martin LutherDecember 22, 2021 at 1:52 pm #146117Laura K. Abeid@mamaauthoress
I completely missed this.
The past few days have been … not amazing.
I couldn’t find time here.
Excuse me as I apologise again.
I am broken. I am bleeding .... But I am beautiful.December 22, 2021 at 4:21 pm #146127Winter Rose@winter_rose
My entry for @noah-cochran ‘s prompt.
“We have to travel light and fast. No more buffet-in-a-backpack.” Soren crossed her arms and looked across the other side of the narrow room at a grumpy-looking boy named Parr. He toed the polished wooden floor. His blush showed he knew that the “buffet-in-a-backpack” phrase was aimed at him.
“I think that food is a necessity,” Parr said at last. His dark eyes glinted in the orange light from variously sized lamps scattered about the room.
“Not in the quantity you’re proposing,” Kapera said from her place near the center of the room. Soren hid a smile. The amount of food Parr wanted to bring probably weighed more than the combined weights of every member of their team.
Kapera ignored Parr’s pointed look and grabbed one of the many trinkets lining the shelved walls.
“If I can’t bring my food Soren shouldn’t bring her books,” Parr sniffed.
Soren flushed pink. “My books are not like your food, Parsley.” She bit off the last word.
Parr became livid. He opened his mouth to respond but nothing came out. Soren grimaced. Maybe now was not the best time to call Parr by that particular nickname.
“He does have a point, Soren,” Kapera said. Soren frowned. Now Kapera was taking sides? No, by her disinterested air, Kapera didn’t care which side she was on.
“Yeah, see? Kapera agrees with me!” Parr said with a grin.
“Slow down, Parr, I said you have a valid point,” Kapera said. “I didn’t say I agreed with you.”
“Uh, I think you did,” Parr retorted. Irritation flared in Soren’s chest.
“No, she didn’t!” Soren said. “Parr and Kapera, those books are very important, both to me and to the mission. Everyone else on the team knows that!”
“But it’s not fair that you get to bring what you want and I don’t.” Parr grumped.
“That’s because I actually need what I want!” Soren said. She huffed; Parr had to make everything more difficult than it needed to be.
“Well, I need food!” Parr yelled. Soren narrowed her eyes. Parr began fidgeting with a basket of knick-knacks on the wall behind him. His expression mirrored that of a cornered animal who knew it was doomed but didn’t want to go easy.
Kapera interjected. “We need to look out for the best interest of the mission, not our own desires.”
“Exactly! The mission needs the books!” Soren said, triumphant. As long as Kapera didn’t change her stance again, she and Soren could get Parr to submit.
“The mission also needs food!” Parr shot back.
“No it doesn’t!” Soren took a menacing step towards Parr. This boy was so insolent! How had she survived him for so long?
“Get off it, Soren, just let me bring my food!” Parr gestured wildly and the tip of his finger caught an elegant glass vase on a high shelf. It toppled from the shelf and a thousand tiny shards scattered across the unforgiving hard floor.
“Oops,” Parr said.
What I know in my head and what I believe in my heart are two entirely different things.December 22, 2021 at 4:53 pm #146128
@Emily-waldorf Haha, it’s okay. It’s not like we would kick you out if you went over or something. xD As for the two missing words, I think they shouldn’t affect our understanding the story.
@mamaauthoress No worries! We understand if someone is busy. No need to apologize or hide. 😉
Also, the contest ends tonight, so if anyone else wants to jump in, now’s your chance! Otherwise, Cathy and I will judge by tomorrow.December 22, 2021 at 6:49 pm #146132Cathy@this-is-not-an-alien
Erm … I’m sorry. I completely missed this. The past few days have been … not amazing. I couldn’t find time here. Excuse me as I apologise again. *hides*
*hugs tightly* You poor thing, can I do anything to help? <3 *Me: compulsive momfriend XD*
I’ll come back after I deliberate 😉
To be a light to the world you must shine in the darkness.December 23, 2021 at 11:28 am #146147Cathy@this-is-not-an-alien
WHY ARE YOU GUYS DOING THIS TO ME THEY’RE BOTH SO GOOD I CAN’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After rereading and thinking and thinking I think I’m going to vote on a very narrow margin on @emily-waldorf; because I think it told more of the story with all the details included. There’s three kids, the oldest has assumed the responsibility of taking care of her siblings and it’s not going over well because the entire family dynamic has changed, implicitly over the more or less recent loss of their mom and she’s trying much too hard to fill that void while dealing with her own grief. The last sentence really helped “explain” their argument while leaving plenty of the story to the readers’ imagination.
@winter_rose’s was very interesting and engaging. Her characters were had plenty of personality and relatability. They apparently going on a journey after some recent trauma and struggling to work as a team. The only reason I didn’t pick this one as the winner was that I didn’t know why they needed the books whereas Emily’s argument was more explained. That and Emily’s final sentence with the little boy running off in tears because the oldest reminded him of their mom was more relevant to the narrative than a broken vase.
That said, they were both so good I had a very, very hard time choosing. Bravo to both!!!
To be a light to the world you must shine in the darkness.December 23, 2021 at 11:51 am #146148Erynne@erynne
Sorry I haven’t been active here I am on vaca lol ( @this-is-not-an-alien I am in North Carolina and I’ll be back Monday. I can see what you say I just can’t respond) if there is one happening when I’m on my way home I might be able to do it.
Your post caught my eye. I’m sorry to hear that, is everything alright? Do you need to talk? *turns Cathy’s hug into I group hug*
Be weird. Be random. Be who you are. Because you ever know who would love the person you hide.December 23, 2021 at 12:44 pm #146151
Thank you! I don’t believe I write arguments well, so I’m pleased that you liked it.
Thank you! I didn’t really figure you’d kick out the submission–I’m just chagrined. 😀
I read your submission last night and Ahhhh! I MUST know the rest of the story!!! Is it part of a larger story, or is it just this scene?
- This reply was modified 4 months, 3 weeks ago by Emily Waldorf.
Hier steche ich. Ich kann nicht anders. Gott helfe mir. Amen. ~Martin LutherDecember 23, 2021 at 1:29 pm #146155
Okay, so here’s my decision. I haven’t seen Cathy’s judgment yet, so this is my unbiased viewpoint.
I’ll start with Emily. You did a great job with describing the room. “This room sucked away light faster than a cobra swallows his breakfast.“ I thought that was a really good line. Also, olive with burnt-orange. Ugh. 🤮 I can see the sheer ugliness of the room and the “jungle-like” chaos of it. No wonder she wants to give it a make-over!😂I like the sibling rivalry vibe going on. (Side note, I’m assuming Lila and Lena are twins?) You captured the annoyance of the siblings with each other nicely.
(As for the 2 missing words, is it “Conrad’s voice creaked and broke” and “He swallowed his next tease and stared at me”?)
@winter_rose Haha, every mission needs a gluttonous, reluctant grump like Parr. I love the dialogue in this. I think you did well showing both sides of the argument. Poor Parr, he’s outnumbered. The guy just wants his food! I liked how you threw in details of them actually interacting with the environment, showing them fidgeting with the knickknacks and such. Considering the short word limit, I think you did an excellent job showing the perspectives of each character.
I’m going to cast my vote for @winter_rose even though they were both good!
@emily-waldorf The reason why is I know bigger arguments can evolve from little stuff like coffee filters, but I think the intensity of this argument built up just a little too fast. (I know, I know, I gave you only 500 words.) But for this piece, I think the argument could have been a little more lighthearted and teasing, especially since it started out as more trivial. (I hope I’m not being too harsh with my critique, please don’t hate me😣).December 23, 2021 at 1:32 pm #146156December 23, 2021 at 1:51 pm #146158
(I hope I’m not being too harsh with my critique, please don’t hate me😣).
Absolutely not–and if it makes you feel better, I already knew that, because I cannot write an argument. (Okay, I think maybe I wrote one). It ends up being precisely the problem you saw: they’re arguing over nothing, and because you the reader could care less about, say, coffee filters, you just sorta roll your eyes because they’re acting like kids.
I would have voted for Winter Rose’s myself, had I been judging. I honestly didn’t much care for my submission. 🙂 So long answer short, I far from hate you–I actually agree with you.
Hier steche ich. Ich kann nicht anders. Gott helfe mir. Amen. ~Martin LutherDecember 23, 2021 at 1:53 pm #146159
If Noah can’t judge, perhaps Rose and I should re-submit…or play online-rock-paper-scissors. Or she can just have it, because I would have cast my vote for her.
Hier steche ich. Ich kann nicht anders. Gott helfe mir. Amen. ~Martin Luther
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