fb

*inhales the fresh air, and looks around*

Forums Fiction General Writing Discussions *inhales the fresh air, and looks around*

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #119442
    Buddy J.
    @wordsmith

    Hey, guys. It’s been a minute. I hope people are doing well, I hope life isn’t too chaotic, and I hope your writing has stayed productive.

    In coming back after a long absence, I bring a story. Or maybe the start of a story, long term? All that to say, I’d be honored if I could get a few readers to give me their thoughts.

    I wrote the first draft in 2018 and it’s gone through almost ten drafts of revision since then. It started out as my second big step into superhero fiction, and as that genre has grown on me, I’ve refined this story over more times than I’ve really kept track of.

    Are you interested in ripping it to shreds for me?

    Published author, reader of many books, Student in writing, and Lumenite!

    #119443
    Zee
    @zee

    Welcome back, @wordsmith! Throw it out there and let’s see what you have.

    #119444
    Buddy J.
    @wordsmith

    Thanks. Here  you have it: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lWEhQkMfkQWGDvpYh3SndE6M_LdfocPKu1mLZMxXF3I/edit


    @zee

    Published author, reader of many books, Student in writing, and Lumenite!

    #119446
    Lona
    @lonathecat

    @wordsmith

    Hey, there! So, after reading your draft, I have a few things to note. First, I think these were just typos:

    “I blink as I moving along scaffold…”

    “Light streams from of the box.”.

    Next, it seems to me you use ‘inhale’ too much. Perhaps, find a synonym or two? I know that inhale is the most concise way of saying ‘took a breath in’, though it still seems a bit repetitive, but I digress.

    “He must think I’m dead because he stares for a moment longer. ”

    I really like this sentence! In light of the man just suggesting that the first guy has been killed/enslaved, it creates a really vivid, and almost unnerving picture. It’s as if the guy is imagining the first guy how he was before the Change, but instead all he is presented with is the dead shell in front of him. And of course, the first guy doesn’t get it, which just reinforces the idea of his deadness.

    I don’t know if this was your intention, but I was quite confused at the beginning, and only by the middle and through to the end of the draft did I feel like I knew what was going on. But, overall, I would say, well done! I am curious to see what happens next. 🙂

    #119506
    Buddy J.
    @wordsmith

    @lonathecat

    Thank you! Those are super helpful comments. And I’ve gotten quite a few other responses that agree with you (it’s kinda nice when beta-reviews are consistent).

     

     

    Published author, reader of many books, Student in writing, and Lumenite!

    #119515
    Lona
    @lonathecat

    @wordsmith

    No problem! And, yes, it is nice when feedback is consistent. 🙂

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
Story Embers

Pin It on Pinterest