May 8, 2020 at 12:05 pm #111958
Wow!! Good job!
Could you maybe make her hair just a bit longer.
And the nose in the middle one is good.
I cannot draw eyes for the life of me, so take your time.
Thanks so much for doing this!
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.May 8, 2020 at 12:07 pm #111959
Oh, one more thing. Can you make her face a bit longer? If that makes sense. I want it to be a bit skinnier. I don’t know if you can do it…just let me know.
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.May 8, 2020 at 2:11 pm #111973
I’m glad you liked Alyce.😊 I’ll see if I can tweak it a bit to be better. I can just post it when I finish.😉
Okay. You can start a name thread if you want. Sharing names would be great, and also being open for people to ask for name advice (fantasy writers seem to have name problems sometimes😆)…like either ideas for new characters, or just having people check your names for easy pronunciation and stuff.😉 Do you think that would be a good idea?
My story is a fantasy about wizards. The basic plot is that the bad guy (Therolus) is trying to take over the world, and the only one who can stop him is his younger brother (Thane)…who is also a bad guy. My good wizard (Jonathan) has to save Thane (from being executed), and convince him to protect everyone. There’s also a King, who wants Thane dead, but also owes him something, a Princess who feels sorry for Thane, and a father who left his family…and so on.
The way I put that made it sound really awful. It’s just so hard to describe a story in a short piece… The real basis of the story is about redemption, trust, love, and forgiveness. I don’t have a God in it…but there are over-arching morals.
Actually, a lot of my other stories are Fantasy too, but my sister and I have the Master (God) and there’s no magic. What do you use for that sort of stuff?
Not all those who wander are lost.May 8, 2020 at 2:36 pm #111976
Ok thanks! I look forward to seeing what you can do.
I’ll start the name thread but what exactly should I say for the introduction about what it’s about? I think it’s a really good idea and I do have a lit of Fantasy names and their meanings so…yeah.
Sounds complex! It sounds very interesting though. I’d love to read some of it! And I totally get the part about not having God in it but that there are good morals people can learn.
I’m writing a few different things. I will let you know about them in a bit. (It’ll take me awhile to write them out.)
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.May 8, 2020 at 2:54 pm #111977
Do you want me to make the name discussion in ‘General Writing Discussions’? Or should I make it in the Fantasy group?
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.May 8, 2020 at 2:57 pm #111978
I don’t think it really matters. I think Fantasy writers might be more interested, but I don’t know.😊
Not all those who wander are lost.May 8, 2020 at 2:58 pm #111979
I could put it in both?
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.May 8, 2020 at 8:39 pm #112023
You did a really good job!! Here are a few things I would fix.
When someone is talking or thinking you don’t have to put it on the next line. Before you get confused, let me explain.
1. Your first paragraph is good and then you have:
Looking at the house, Jered sighed,
It would have been a majestic house in the 1800s.
You can make it
Looking at the house Jared sighed. It would have been a majestic house in the 1800s.
Does that make sense? You can have the character mentioned just before they talk or think. Just like how you had
Jered smiled, at least we have a big property.
You did this a lot but try to keep all the characters actions, thoughts, words on the same line.
2. The part about mother figure. You said mother figure so many times, maybe just say mother for a few of them?
3. Hopefully, she’s right. Jered looked around at the happy faces of his family. It doesn’t matter what the house is like, this is what matters.
You can put that all on one line. It’d be like saying “Hopefully, she’s right.” Jered looked around at the happy faces of his family. “It doesn’t matter what the house is like, this is what matters.”
<b>Maybe introduce Aclabar some other way than putting him in parentheses?</b>
That woke him up a
littlebit, “Oh cool, let’s go down to the lake,” he suggested. (Again, this can all go on one line.)
Jered glanced behind him making sure Ana wasn’t lagging behind. Tim was running ahead,
Maybe say like, Jared watched Tim run ahead and then glanced over his shoulder to make sure Ana wasn’t lagging behind.
Jered slowed down and grabbed Ana’s hand, “Come on, you can do it,” he encouraged. (can be on the same line.)
Tim stopped, “Oh,” he said disappointed and sat down on the grass. You can put this on the next line but Tim’s actions all together
Tim brightened up a little, “Yeah who said it wasn’t swimmable?” He said laughingly and started for the pond
Maybe instead, Tim brightened up and laughed as he started for the pond. “Yeah, who said it wasn’t swimmable?”
Jered headed down the hillside after him, “Wait up I want to see how deep it is first!” he called. But Tim was already waist-high in the muddy water.
Overall you did really good! It was very well written.
And just so you know, if you don’t like everything I said, you can ignore it. I won’t be offended. 😉
I don’t remember everything I said, but hopefully this helps.
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.May 9, 2020 at 2:15 pm #112052
Ok, here’s the info on my grandad. (Harley Vance Combs)
1. What theater? Pacific.
2. What years? He served on the USS Cobia from May 6, 1944-May 6, 1945 in the area of the Bonin Islands, Muko Jima, Chichi Jima, and Iwo Jima, also some off the coast of Japan. Then he was transferred over to the USS Angler, which he served on from June 1,1945 until V-J day, August 15th, when he and the crew heard the news of the Japanese surrender in the barracks at Midway Island. They made it back to New Orleans on September 20th. After the war, he was in the inactive reserve until 1955, when he returned to active duty for two years.
3. His rank: RM1 (radioman first class) SS USNR When he first joined, he had the post of lookout. The Cobia already had enough radio men. Eventually, one of the radio men switched to lookout and my granddad was able to take his job. To qualify as a submariner and receive the dolphin patch, you had to memorize every operating system of the boat. He had to know how to operate every valve and fixture in every compartment, in the dark if necessary. After three months on the submarine, he qualified.
4. His branch: the Navy
5. Was he drafted or did he enlist? He graduated high school in 1942 and enlisted in the Navy in 1943.
6. He served in the Pacific.
7. He was aboard submarines and patrolled all throughout the Pacific.
8. Did he see combat? Yes, while on board the submarines, they sunk numerous ships (I’m not sure of the exact number) and at one point they picked up a Japanese prisoner from the water.
9. Combat stories? Were forced to dive on numerous occasions by Japanese bombers, and survived a lot of depth charges.
On one occasion, they tried to take aboard some Japanese that were in the water. All of them but one refused (exhibiting the Bushido mentality –better to die than surrender). The one man they took aboard knew no English, but was friendly and peaceable after his initial fright.
One day, while dumping the trash, my granddad had an adventure. The water was rough, and while carrying the bag, the boat took a heavy roll to port. The bag dropped into the sea, and my granddad was thrown against the life line. The officer of the deck yelled “clear the bridge!”. My granddad staggered back to the door to find it closed. The movement of the sub had slammed it shut and the latch had fallen into place. He had a very narrow escape. The officer of the deck was about to close the other hatch if my granddad didn’t show up. They didn’t wait around.
10. Living conditions: (a big part of being aboard a sub) crowded, hot, and everyone smoked. The air would get very stale and at some points there wasn’t even enough oxygen to light a match!
11. How was communication? I’m not sure, he didn’t mention much in his journal about contacting home.
Also, in his journal he does mention the death of Ralph Huston. I don’t think he knew him very well. He said it was the only fatality aboard the Cobia.
Well, I hope that was helpful! If you have any other questions, feel free to ask. 🙂
a flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it.
it just blooms.May 9, 2020 at 2:22 pm #112057
I was just looking at the posts, and I came to the one about your grandfather, and I couldn’t help thinking you look like him (in your profile picture at least).😊 I think it’s the chin and mouth.😉
Not all those who wander are lost.May 9, 2020 at 2:32 pm #112059
Wow! Thanks so much!!
I haven’t read it all yet, but it looks very helpful. Thanks again for sending it.
By the way guys, I just realized that I made it to 100 comments in less then a week! Thanks for befriending me!!
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.May 9, 2020 at 2:39 pm #112062
And here’s a picture of his pins. The first is his submarine qualification dolphins, the second a WWII submarine combat pin (with stars for subsequent patrols), and the ribbons representing medals.
(L to R) Asiatic Pacific, American Theatre, WWII Victory, Philippine Liberation, Good Conduct
a flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it.
it just blooms.May 9, 2020 at 2:40 pm #112063
Thanks so much!!!
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try living with a mosquito.May 9, 2020 at 2:41 pm #112065May 9, 2020 at 2:43 pm #112066
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