September 22, 2018 at 12:02 am #48749
Oh ya! what point is sharing if you don’t learn?
INTJ- trying to grow into real wisdom; James 3:17September 22, 2018 at 12:04 am #48750
Great! I’ll probably get to it tomorrow then. 🙂
"True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less." - C. S. LewisSeptember 22, 2018 at 12:05 am #48751
cool, thanks! cair to send me any of your work while I’m on?
INTJ- trying to grow into real wisdom; James 3:17September 22, 2018 at 8:06 am #48759
@theinconceivable1 Sure! I wrote a short story about a month ago – my first contemporary dystopia piece – and so any feedback would be welcome. Here it is: https://evelynsbooknook.blogspot.com/2018/08/defenestration.html
Are you planning to join a guild?
And @emgc which level are you?September 22, 2018 at 4:25 pm #48929
Could you change the doc so I can comment? That would make critiquing easier.
I think I scored an intermediate on the writer’s score, but I might be novice. It’s hard to get that accurate. What level are you?
Oh, and I’d love to share one of my short stories for you both to critique! I think I’ll be finishing the first draft of one of my short stories on Monday. I can post it for you to critique then.
"True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less." - C. S. LewisSeptember 22, 2018 at 5:15 pm #48934
@emgc Yeah, I’m pretty sure I scored intermediate, but that was so long ago, I should probably take it again. 🙂September 22, 2018 at 9:24 pm #48957
oh ya, sorry didn’t think about the whole commenting aspect! here you go!
Also EmCG I would love to ready your short story!
Alright Evelyn, first I have no Idea what a “contemporary dystopia” is so please enlighten me XD. Second, and I’m just being honest here, the story was ok. Only recently have I realized that that Proverbs verse (you know “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” ) actually applies to writing! I know when people love your writing it feels way better then when they tell you what to fix but its just not helpful and actually can be detrimental. So ya, I’m going to do some friendly wounding so don’t get mad at me XD. I would give this peice a 4 maybe a 5 out of 10. Heres why:
1. I read this quote recently and I want to share it with you: “Another tip is to use sentence length and variety to your advantage. Short sentences will feel clipped staccato. Long sentences will feel smoother- don’t get it the other way around-a lot of new writers assume short means fast. That’s not always the case; a lot of short sentences can give a feel of focus, but their clipped nature can actually slow the reader down.
A single sentence paragraph slows them even more.
A single-sentence paragraph is a moment of revelation or change. A literary punch in the face. I suggest not over using it…” and I think you defidently overused it. I mean, if this guy is right, then you punched me in the face just to say “Probably a year.” which I dont think was worth it : D.
2. you had alot of flashbacks: These felt a little cheezy and like when you said:
“Daddy?” the voice echoed down the hall of time. (I do like that sentence though!)
Memories flooded his mind. He shivered. Everything around him faded. He sat on her bed. Held her hand. “Yes, sweetie?” He could feel her hand even now grasp his own.
“Daddy, do you save people?”
“Yes, pumpkin. Lots.”
A glowing smile. Arms wrapped around his neck. A small voice in his ear, whispering: “Daddy, I want to be you when I grow up.” IDK maybe this could work if you spun it the right way but a kid saying “I want to be just like you when I grow up” is very cliche. Also, you have three different flashback scene’s. Two too many in my opinion partially because flashing back takes the reader out of the tension (you know they stop being worried about the guys in white coming to kill him) and partially because it’s unrealistic. Its unlikely I’m going to be repeatedly drifing into memory if I’m about to be killed unless I’ve already given up and consider myself a dead man. If that was the case multiple flash backs would be understandable but since we as readers are given the impression he hasn’t given up as he jumps out the window I dont think this works for you. This isnt necessarily a bad thing, I just didnt like it.
3. Information dumping: You did this alot in your dialogue, I’m not saying I’m any better, I do the exact same thing in the ending of my short story, but its something we both need to work on. It can defidently be tough to try and show our abstracts thoughts without just explaining them but we have to try!
4. Purpose: So we meet our hero as he seems to be waiting for the bad guys. He’s not running or even really panicking so were lead to belive this is his final stand or where he gives up. However what happens is neither of those; he jumps the window without putting up a fight but not apparently, to his death. So what was the point? Why was he there in the first place? He wasnt there to deliver any sort of message so were kinda disappointed. So ya, what happens is obviously up to you, but I would defidently advise fixing this up.
5.Being to Obvious: I think this is a common mistake that all of us make but we naturally tend to explain things to our readers; we dont have to. People arnt stupid, they can pick up subtle clues you leave and honestly this makes your writing way better. Another quote I recently read said: “In many cases, it is the withholding of information and not the easy handing over that creates tension and dynamism in any scene.” so instead of saying things like “You call murder healing?” make the reader figure that out for themselves. It makes your story way more interesting and involving.
So ya! I hope I wasn’t overly harsh. I do think you picked a good subject; the whole removing imperfections thing makes for a really understandable villain and a great dark past! So ya good job, keep it up, and feel free to say I give trash advice.
INTJ- trying to grow into real wisdom; James 3:17September 22, 2018 at 9:38 pm #48960
@theinconceivable1 Thanks for being honest and not afraid to share critiques! I really do appreciate it!
“Alright Evelyn, first I have no Idea what a “contemporary dystopia” is so please enlighten me XD”
So basically “contemporary” means it’s set in a modern setting and “dystopia” means it’s about a dystopian society. (Opposite of utopian, which means perfect.)
Thanks for clearly laying out your points… that was helpful. And there is one thing I do want to point out about your fourth bullet.
So the character jumps out the window, but it hints that it was the plan all along and he was going to be picked up but a man in a helicopter… maybe I didn’t make that clear enough?
And then to why he was there in the first place and questions along those lines – those will be answered later… basically the purpose of the short story was to mess around with the writing style and mess around with some thoughts that I had been thinking through when I wrote it.
You make some good points though and I really appreciate your openness and honesty – it’s good to know that there are some people willing to overcome feeling awkward about hurting someone’s feelings so that they can help them improve! Thanks!September 22, 2018 at 9:52 pm #48962
@Evelyn: *wipes the sweat off his brow* well that went better then I thought! Thanks for not getting upset XD. Ok I didn’t realise it wasn’t a stand-alone thing, that would have changed a few things: D. Thanks for sharing! feel free to stab my peice if you feel the need to get revenge XD
INTJ- trying to grow into real wisdom; James 3:17September 23, 2018 at 8:00 am #48985September 23, 2018 at 10:53 am #48990
So, I read your short story!
I left quite a few critiques on the doc. Mostly pointing out grammatical errors. Of course, you don’t have to accept all of them. A lot of them are simply suggestions.
Anyway! I wanted to mention a few things:
1. You seemed to do a lot of flashbacks/dreams. I was a little confused when each one started. Maybe you could add some sort of section break between them, or something?
2. Great job on showing-not-telling! I thought your descriptions were very good. 🙂
3. The whole wave thing. You kept saying that John’s wave was coming. But it doesn’t seem like you followed up on that in the ending. What were you meaning for the wave to represent? Freedom? His hopes and aspirations?
4. There was conflict in the story. Obviously John’s journey up the mountain was difficult. However, there wasn’t a lot of suspense, which really helps along conflict in a story. I’m not entirely sure how to fix that though.
5. Character. I thought maybe you could develop John’s character a little more. I like it when I can feel what the character’s feeling, but unfortunately this was not the case with John. I didn’t feel like you developed his interests enough. He wasn’t very relatable. However, I actually did like the character of Rachel, and the kids were good too, for whatever brief a moment they were in the story.
6. Theme. So I get that this is supposed to represent a redemption story. There were parts of it that were good. I loved how you expressed his excitement to tell everyone about the navigator (Jesus). However, I felt that it was cliché. The navigator himself was slightly cheesy… sorry. I feel like all of this could have been helped if you’d perhaps made the story a bit longer to develop it better.
Lastly, I want to say that I think you have a lot of potential! Just keep writing! Keep developing those talents I can tell you have.
Thanks for letting me read!
"True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less." - C. S. LewisSeptember 24, 2018 at 2:33 am #49085
@Emgc: Sweet! Thanks for all the grammar help! My grammar and spelling are actually trash but this stories already been looked over by a few people who can actually do grammar (like you) and it helps a lot! XD I just generally accepted all your grammar suggestions, I trust you know what you’re doing! Thanks for the review, Its good to know what too improve… I think I really do need to work on character development like you said, I’ve never really thought about my writing per-say, I usually just write and go with what feels good, but I think I need to start. Ya the wave was meant to be death but I see how that was quite unclear XD. Alright build suspense, I think I’m ok at that in general but I just didn’t really do it in this story. Alright well thanks for the encouragement (you dont have to say good things in the future, I can take the hard hits! XD) and I appreciate you took the time to look it over! (looking forward to reading your story BTW!)
INTJ- trying to grow into real wisdom; James 3:17September 25, 2018 at 5:44 am #49352
Alright guys this is the best thing ever!!! tell me how long it takes you to get it XD
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INTJ- trying to grow into real wisdom; James 3:17September 25, 2018 at 9:33 am #49358September 25, 2018 at 3:06 pm #49410
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