Feedback on beginning of short story?

Forums Fiction General Writing Discussions Feedback on beginning of short story?

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  • #48355
    Taylor Clogston
    @taylorclogston

    Hey all! I’m prepping the beginning of a short story for critique to a writing group I’m joining, and I’d be so grateful for critique and feedback from you guys before I do so. Just follow the link here! Thanks a bunch :-}

    "...the one with whom he so sought to talk has already interceded for him." -The Master and Margarita

    #48448
    Grace
    @h-jones

      Will definitely look over this at some point, but sadly not at the moment. xD

      Secretly Hedgehog Jones. Don’t tell anyone.

      #48468
      Inkling-for-Christ
      @inkling-for-christ

      @taylorclogston, amazing story! Or the start of one. I really like the detail you give in the beginning. Can’t wait to see how it turns out.

      INFJ, Child of God, wannabe author, writer, dreamer, fan of DR. Who, Star Wars, NCIS-LA

      #48472
      Eden Anderson
      @eden-anderson

      @taylorcloston

      WOW! You’ve done a really good job. Beginnings are always SO hard for me and I admire anybody who can do them well. You’re way of mixing in all the sensory details and “showing, not telling” is well done. 😀

      And I feel hesitant to say this, because seriously I ranked as a novice, but I thought I’d mention this: in the fifth paragraph on the first page, when you mention the part about the silks, the way you worded sounded like the character had tied his father and his mother, instead of the silks. I did a double take and then read it a third time, before I understood what you were trying to say.

      Does that make any sense?

      I mean, maybe that’s how you wanted it… I could just be really slow and everybody else got it. 😀 I just noticed it and thought I’d say something. Correct me if that was wrong, or if I was unhelpful.

      You did an amazing job!

      "But how could you live and have no story to tell?" - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

      #48473
      Eden Anderson
      @eden-anderson

      @taylorclogston

      ☹️ Sorry, spelled that wrong. 🙂

      "But how could you live and have no story to tell?" - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

      #48478
      Taylor Clogston
      @taylorclogston

      Thanks so much to @r-m-archer and @parker for their line comments, they were sooo helpful!

      Whenever you can, @h-jones, I’ll be grateful :-}

      Thanks, @inkling-for-christ! Were there any parts that were confusing or didn’t make sense?

      @eden-anderson Don’t feel hesitant! I’m really glad you pointed that out. Yeah, to the narrator he might as well literally be tying them since he believes their spirits dwell in the silk until it blows away, but I can see how that would be confusing since he’s not explaining to a person who he knows has a different culture that would see it differently. I’d actually be super grateful if other people could chime in about this bit too =P But anyway I’m glad you enjoyed it ^///^

      "...the one with whom he so sought to talk has already interceded for him." -The Master and Margarita

      #48483
      Eden Anderson
      @eden-anderson

      @taylorclogston

      Okay. I love history and learning about different cultures, so your beginning was really fascinating and I could tell right away that it was a different culture. 🙂  Is it made up or similar to ancient Greek or Roman or some sort of pagan culture? If you don’t mind me asking? I find these sort of things really interesting as I said.

      "But how could you live and have no story to tell?" - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

      #48486
      Taylor Clogston
      @taylorclogston

      @eden-anderson I’m reeeeeaaaaaaaally not a worldbuilder so part of the reason for the story was to familiarize myself with it a bit. I tried to combine some aesthetics of ancient Persia and Indochina (which I know is really vague and probably horrendously flippant to refer to such a wide area and time period so casually… Please excuse my ignorance =P). I’m leaning toward bronze-age sword and sandal stuff. I’ve not really thought of much in the way of religion or politics, I’m afraid. The main character is in an important family in some big city-state and he’s going to go across an ocean probably just a proxy of the Mediterranean Sea.

      "...the one with whom he so sought to talk has already interceded for him." -The Master and Margarita

      #48537
      Eden Anderson
      @eden-anderson

      @taylorclogston

      COOL!! Yeah, I’m not so swift at creating worlds either, as I’m been finding out recently. And totally understandable that you still have lots of details to fill in about this world, it’s culture, and the way it functions, especially depending on how early you are into the writing process of this particular story.

      Hope things continue to move along for you!! Keep up the amazing work!

      "But how could you live and have no story to tell?" - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

      #48542
      Parker Hankins
      @parker

      @taylorclogston, it was my pleasure!!

      Living in a world of mystery and dangerous predicaments while working with the AWESOME Meraki's.

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