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Edmund's Sunset – a poem

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  • #44294
    Libby
    @libby

    I just finished a poem called Edmond’s Sunset, and I would love any critique you all have for it!

    Edmond’s Sunset

    Unbroken mists upon the water
    Veils the island’s silhouette;
    Just a shadowland, it caught her
    Soul in its relentless clutch
    With just a touch of violet
    Amid an iridescent grey.

    Her eyes saw none, but gazed far yonder,
    Drawn unto the dusky light—
    ‘twas a sight to make one ponder
    All the beauty of that land,
    Enclosed in sand that shimmers white
    When sunlight fades, when rests the day.

    And as she looked out o’er the ocean,
    To the bleak horizon flocked
    Graceful gulls in sweeping motion,
    Past her soaring far abroad;
    And in untrodden lands she walked
    Alone, to watch them fly away.

    The currents rippled to the shoreland,
    Crawling o’er the sandy beach;
    Quiet waves unto her beckoned,
    Calling her to water’s rim;
    Her figure, slim, bent down to reach
    The dewy mist of ocean’s spray.

    She leaned so far, the swift tides caught her
    In their harsh, relentless hold;
    Down she sank into dark water,
    Taken by unending sleep.
    Above the deep, the sun, all gold,
    Knew naught, but shone in bright array.

    The world looked on in cold defiance,
    Caring naught of what had passed.
    All the seas danced on in silence,
    O’er the maiden’s stony form,
    No longer warm, but cold at last—
    At peace, in death’s embrace, she lay.

    I must explain that the title of the poem does not really fit with the poem itself.  I was inspired by a sunset in Edmonds (Washington) where the smoke was so bad that you couldn’t see the opposite shore – which is usually a very prominent feature in the landscape.  (I changed the name “Edmonds” to “Edmunds”, because Edmund is a favorite name of mine.)  That all got me started on the first lines.  As you might have guessed, things diverged very quickly.  I did not intend, at first, for such an ending.  But, I guess you might say, it just happened that way.  I want to ask your opinion on this: is the ending alright?  How can I make it better?  Does it seem too hopeless?  I would love any criticism on this.

    "Young people, you must pray, for your passions are strong and your wisdom is little."C.H.Spurgeon

    #44349
    Libby
    @libby

    The title is supposed to be Edmund’s Sunset, but I am unable to edit it.  Sorry!

    "Young people, you must pray, for your passions are strong and your wisdom is little."C.H.Spurgeon

    #47081
    Libby
    @libby

    Just worked on a new, more hopeful ending.  If you have any feedback, I’m still up for it!

    The quiet mountains shadowed over
    Where she last had danced abroad—
    In the sands, there grew a clover,
    Solitary in its grace.
    And in that place of crumbled sod
    Sweet heaven cast a blissful ray.

    "Young people, you must pray, for your passions are strong and your wisdom is little."C.H.Spurgeon

    #47805
    Grace
    @h-jones

    Holy spagoni, this is really good! I don’t have much critique but I wanted to encourage you. Keep up the good work!

    Secretly Hedgehog Jones. Don’t tell anyone.

    #47823
    Libby
    @libby

    @h-jones That is so encouraging!  Thank you for your comment!
    Also, I love Psalm 84:10.  I looked it up after seeing it in your signature, and it’s so wonderful!

    "Young people, you must pray, for your passions are strong and your wisdom is little."C.H.Spurgeon

    #48048
    Grace
    @h-jones

    @libby You’re so welcome 🙂 and isn’t it though?! Definitely one of my favorite verses. Obviously. 🙂

    Do you make a habit of writing poetry or was this a one time thing?

    Secretly Hedgehog Jones. Don’t tell anyone.

    #48174
    Libby
    @libby

    @h-jones Definitely!

    As for writing, I do write a lot of poetry.  When I can’t think of anything to write (as in a story or such), I just slip into poetry mode.  It’s my go-to when I am hurting or exhausted or just the opposite and I need an outlet for my emotions.  If you’re interested, here’s where I keep most of my poetry.  It’s a homeschool writing website that I would strongly urge anyone to join, even if you’re a graduate.  It’s helped me refine my writing a ton.
    Do you like to write poetry?

    "Young people, you must pray, for your passions are strong and your wisdom is little."C.H.Spurgeon

    #48204
    Cindy Green
    @cindy

    Wow. Just… wow. This is just packed full of breathtaking lines. I can’t choose a favourite!

    to elevate the soul, poetry is necessary. -eap

    #48262
    Grace
    @h-jones

    @libby *gasps* That website is awesome!! And yes, I absolutely love to write poetry, though most of it is just on Google Docs or something. xD Wow, that’s so cool and I’ll definitely check out your work. Not only do I like writing poetry but I like reading it too, so this should be fun for me. 🙂

    Secretly Hedgehog Jones. Don’t tell anyone.

    #48371
    Libby
    @libby

    @cindy Wow, thank you so much!  That means a lot to me, coming from you.  I really admire your writings.


    @h-jones
    You should join!  It really is awesome!
    I’m so glad you like to write poetry.  I love it, but not a lot of my friends do, so it’s great to meet you!  What kind of poetry do you write?  Do you have a favorite poet or poem? (I love reading poetry, too)
    I would love to see your poetry sometime 🙂

    "Young people, you must pray, for your passions are strong and your wisdom is little."C.H.Spurgeon

    #48444
    Grace
    @h-jones

    @libby Signed up. 🙂

    Yes! Fellow poet and poetry admirer! It is wonderful to meet you as well. 😀 I typically write free verse, though sometimes when my inspiration and endurance levels are peaked I will actually attempt to rhyme. I definitely have a favorite poem; as for poets, I’ll have to say William Wordsworth. xD I like that a lot of his poems tend to be kind of nature-themed, at least from what I’ve seen… I’m sure you have, but have you read “I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud” by him? SO. GOOD.

    But my favorite poem over-all either “Simon Lee” by William Wordsworth, or “If” by Rudyard Kipling. What’s yours? (And I’d love to show you some of my poetry! 🙂 Maybe if I get accepted into apricotpie I’ll put some stuff up and send you a link. xD)

    Secretly Hedgehog Jones. Don’t tell anyone.

    #48532
    Libby
    @libby

    @h-jones So awesome!  I’ll be excited to see you post!!

    Yes, William Wordsworth is one of my favorites.  I love his poem “She Was a Phantom of Delight”.  To be honest, I have not read “Simon Lee”.  I will now, though!  I think I may have read “I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud” at one point in time before I really appreciated poetry, but now I need to go back and read it again!  I also love Robert Frost and Robert Browning’s poetry…along with Emily Dickenson, JRR Tolkien, and Robert Louis Stevenson.

    I actually don’t write as much freeverse as I want to.  I feel like I’m not very experienced there. 🙁  Maybe that can change sometime.  At any rate, I’d love to see some of your freeverse poetry!

    "Young people, you must pray, for your passions are strong and your wisdom is little."C.H.Spurgeon

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