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Okay, so I need help. (In a lot of areas but let’s just focus here, shall we? 🤨)
I am SO EXCITED for this poetry contest coming up! But I was DEVASTATED when I saw that we’re only allowed to enter one poem. SO, I narrowed it down to my favorite 3 and I cannot possibly decide between them! I also chopped them up so that they fit into the word count necessary. I know that my style doesn’t seem to be quite the same as a lot of people on this site, so please just tell me which is your favorite if not critique. 🙂
(And calling on people I know… @emberynus-the-dragonslayer, @kayla-skywriter, @w-o-holmes, @k-a-grey, @anyoneImissed)
In the area of critiques I’m looking for how it flows, word choice, consistency, and whether what I’m saying makes sense. I know that my vocabulary choices are pretty dull most of the time and I’m more of a hardcore “say exactly what I mean” type poet, so I guess we’ll see what comes up.
Thank you in advance!
#1: True in Trial
Oh Lord my God, where are You?
Have You hidden Your face?
Can You not see the suffering, death,
And sadness in this place?Jesus, how so many shootings?
And why do people die?
Really, are You even there?
Do You hear me when I cry?Can’t You stop mass murders?
Aren’t You strong enough to save
All the sorry, innocent lives
That are taken every day?Is Satan’s grip on Earth
Stronger than Your mighty Hand?
Was Jesus Christ enough?
Will I ever understand?Where were You in the Holocaust?
Or when my loved one died?
Can You hear me now, Lord, or
Does sin make You a lie?NO, I say! I shout!
Sin does not make God exiled!
He’s a loving, caring Savior-
And made truest in our trials!Light doesn’t look as bright
‘Til it’s up against the black.
God can see me and He knows me;
And He hasn’t turned His back.When Satan came and knocked
And he offered Earth his sin,
God left the door alone-
It was us who let him in.But the clay can’t know its purpose
While it’s in the potter’s hand.
God can use our worst mistakes
To advance what He has planned.Satan has a grasp
On our world, our minds, our souls.
But our Lord IS watching us
And He’s still all-powerful.Even when the world was lost,
He sent down His Holy Son
To bring light into the darkness
And bring hope where there was none.Even when those loved have died,
God can rain His perfect peace
So another life can live!
All things work in harmony.Even when the trigger’s pulled,
And God’s child is called home,
He can use a man’s forgiveness
To wash clean a guilty soul.Now, who are we to say
That ‘cause we’re lost, so is He?
Who are we to say He’s blind…
When we, ourselves, can’t see?We cannot see the future.
We cannot see God’s plans.
We cannot see how God does
And we’ll never understand.But one thing we CAN see,
If we would look hard enough,
Is when we look at our world
We can look into God’s love.Seven billion examples
Of His love are all around.
All of them have disobeyed;
In them is where sin abounds.But instead of let us go,
God gave us another chance,
Let us have the gift of Jesus,
And offered recompense.All we need, now, is to take it.
That’s all we have to do.
Yes, there’s sin that’s all around,
But that’s why God SAVED YOU!Yes, I know that God is real.
I have known it for a while.
Satan’s presence makes God stronger-
He is truest in our trial.There’s sin and death on earth,
And I’ll leave it someday soon,
And, I’m sure I’ll be in Heaven then…
What about you?“When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.”
Psalm 94:19 #2: Faith
I wallowed in the dark,
Too black as night to see.
I searched for endless days
To find a place I’d be free.My eyes were just as useless
As a swimsuit in the snow.
My feet just kept on walking
Hardly knowing where to go.My hands were outstretched wide
So I wouldn’t stumble or fall,
But they guided me in vain
‘Til, one day, I heard a call…I didn’t trust the sound-
It was calling for my name.
I’d followed calls before,
But they’d all led me astray.“Who’s there?” I yelled with caution
As I stared into the black.
I waited many seconds
‘Til the voice responded back:“I found you! There you are!
“Come with me- come towards the light!
“I’ve searched for you for lifetimes to
“Bring you out from this night.”I peered into the darkness,
But the speaker wasn’t seen.
“How is it I know,” I asked,
“That you say what you mean?”“I am not as you men,” it said,
“That I should tell a lie.
“If you were just to trust me,
“I would stay right by your side.”“I know that there are evils
“In this darkness where I roam…”
I said with skepticism
As I asked if he WAS one.The voice was growing louder
As it drew closer to me.
I debated turning ‘round…
Into darkness I would flee.But something seemed inviting
In this voice that pierced the night.
What if there was something more?
What if there WAS light?It called my name again-
It was closer than before.
It laid a hand on my shoulder and said:
“Come with me for more.”I winced and loved the feeling
Of the hand on my shoulder.
It was strong and simply loving
And felt just like no other.Once again, I felt the doubts
And asked, “What proof’s there of day?”
It said, “I have only a promise:
“Take my hand out of faith.”I took another glance
‘Round me at the blackened land.
Then, with a shaky breath,
I reached up and took the hand.Though darkness was so black,
I felt a smile on its face.
Then it pulled and pulled and pulled me
At a mad and quickening pace!Holding tight for all my life,
I was flying through the night.
Then, with sudden, freeing force,
I was blinded by the light.I opened up my eyes-
Seeing life in the sun’s rays.
I saw he who owned the hand-
He beamed and said, “I’m glad you had faith.”“When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.”
Psalm 94:19 #3: Abortion: II
CHILD:
Mommy, Mommy, here inside,
Do you look on me with pride?
Do you love me, hope to see
The day when I first start to breathe?Mommy, Mommy, don’t you hope
For when I’ll see the world full scope?
Or do you think I’ll bane your life
And fill it with all kinds of strife?Mommy, Mommy, hear my cry:
Do I deserve infanticide?
What have I done wrong, I ask,
To send me up to Heaven so fast?Mommy, Mommy, what you say
Is life on earth won’t be okay;
That you don’t have money to try
To raise me up- so I must die.But Mommy! Mommy! Don’t you see?
God takes care of you and me.
Just ask Him and He’ll provide.
Can’t I live? Won’t you try?Mommy, now I hear your voice.
Will I really take away your choice?
Is it to have life as you please?
Does my existing cost you ease?Mommy, Mommy – so you know –
In case you want to still say no,
In your center, in my core,
I have a beating heart- like yours!Mommy, Mommy, what’s it like?
To laugh, or talk, or ride a bike?
What’s it like to see Mom’s eyes,
Soft and caring and comforting cries?Mommy, Mommy, tell me true!
Weren’t you once a baby, too?
How is it to first see light?
To see the world and gain your sight?Mommy, Mommy, tell me so-
Do you still think that I should go?
Or won’t you please protect my life?
It’s all I have besides this plight.Mommy, Mommy, from your womb,
Will this dark place be my tomb?
I have purpose- God said so!
So, won’t you please let me grow?Mommy, Mommy, hear my plea!
Listen to my silent screams!
Please don’t push me far away!
But- there is Heaven, where I’ll stay.Mommy, I hope you will see
I’m here because Christ died for me.
In case you want to see me, then,
I’ll be waiting in Heaven.Mommy, I want you to know
That even though you let me go,
I will forgive you, though and through-
You’re still my Mommy- I still love you.“When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.”
Psalm 94:19 @banana-peacock-warrior Hey there! Nice name. I like all three of those poems that you posted, but I think my favorite would be the second. The rhythm and dialogue are good. (Side note, the third has a great message and strong emotion. That would be my second choice for a submission. 🙂 )
Writer, illustrator, Parimi Alcan
Check out my new blog! https://arbitraryfairy.wordpress.com/
I aggree with Ariella, I think you should do the second.
How we chose to fight is just as important as what we fight for
@banana-peacock-warrior yep, the second one
Sold souls and dead promises
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