Critique For The Fledgling Poet?

[Evelyn]

@kb-writer I’m not sure where you got the idea that I’m an experienced poet lol. But yes, when I try out your method I’ll definitely share it! 🙂

[The Fledgling Artist]

@libby Thank you! You have no idea how encouraging your words are to me. 😀 😀

"Though I'm not yet who I will be, I'm no longer who I was."

[The Fledgling Artist]

*sneezes on the accumulated dust particles*
Apparently I’ve gone a year without posting any more poems to be brutally roasted critiqued. The original two were fairly atrocious, so hopefully, none of y’all will be too shocked to find that these new poems aren’t much better. 🤣

I still have a ton to learn, and meter still baffles me, but I think I may possibly have slightly improved? A bit? Idk.

I’d be honored for any feedback. Not necessarily on how to polish these specific poems, but moreso how to do better next time. Comments specific to the poems are welcome, but I don’t wanna get bogged down on what I’ve already done so much as I want to keep moving forward.

Another day,
Of feeling small.
I dare not rise
Afraid i’ll fall.

foes bid come
Stand, fight, and face
To put all fears
Back in their place.
You can’t ignore,
Discover what waits in store.

Something compels
A feeling? Or friend?
Uncertain steps
One, then two.

Another day,
Of feeling small.
Maybe soon
I’ll wake to see,
I never needed
To know everything
After all.
___

We forged our towers out of dust
We watched them burn and rust

Curious, how people so small
Could so quickly lose sight of who they are

We clasp and hold,
and watch as nothings become our entire world
Forgetting far too fast
That nothings never last.

Maybe there’s a purpose
Floating just outside our grasp

Mistakes may be my learning
How fast our mountains fall

As soon as you discover,
Come tell me who you are.
-1/18/20</p>

 

 

___

One step at a time,
This story isn’t mine.
Every stumble, every fall,
Only shape me, make me humble
They point me, look and see
The God who writes for me
Maybe someday I’ll begin to understand
For now, I leave it in His hands.
Uncertainties abound,
Choking, squeezing, swirling all around
This narrative isn’t mine.
When you can trust your author
There’s no need to fear,
No worries, dear.

And who am I to claim,
That stories ought to go my way?
…Aren’t I Just an actor, with no say?
1/14/20

I feel like these are fairly weak poems in comparison to those written by an experienced poet, but they mean a lot to me.
Not to say that you shouldn’t be brutally honest. Haha, I really want to get better.

I’m kinda out of touch with the SE community nowadays, so I’m not quite sure who to tag. 😅

@evelyn @k-a-grey @kb-writer @libby @dakota @emma-starr

• This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by The Fledgling Artist. Reason: sillu formating glitch
• This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by The Fledgling Artist.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by The Fledgling Artist.

"Though I'm not yet who I will be, I'm no longer who I was."

[Lin]

Aww Anna I love these!

I’m not in the position to give you some good solid critique on these as I’m still a beginner myself but I did find them very touching<3

“I've loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.”

[Dakota]

@the-fledgling-artist

First I’ll that I really like all of these. They’re simple but they have a lot of meaning.

All three poems are pretty solid in rhythm. Some of the lines aren’t the same length but that’s probably what you had intended to do, so that’s not really a problem. Good on rhythm. 🙂

I think that thing that you could work on now is the alliteration and assonance. That’s not to say that your lines sound bad; some of them have those two elements. But I think you should explore those areas more.

Overall, very good and keep going!!! 🙂 🙂

Psalm 119:11
Your word I have hidden in my heart,
That I might not sin against You.

[Evelyn]

@the-fledgling-artist WELCOME BACK

*throws dust in air as confetti*

Terrific poems. I like them. 🙂

 

[Emma Huckabee (Emma Starr)]

@the-fledgling-artist I love the vibes of these poems! <3  Also I think you have natural feel for word choice…very very nice. 🙂

In your future poems, think about experimenting with line-length and flow of the poem, being intentional about the pacing.

When you decide on a rhyme scheme, before you begin the poem, try writing out a bunch of words in that rhyme that you like the flavor of. Then dive into the poem.

Explore assonance (internal rhyme by basically repeating a sound like, “i could scale the sky, riding high”) It can really transform your poetry and make it much more aesthetically pleasing and //poetry// sounding.

These are just a few ideas to help you grow. 🙂 I would love to read the next poem you post! Please tag me!!

Spreading God's love until I can see seven billion smiles. 🙂 https://sevenbillionsmiles.home.blog

[The Fledgling Artist]

Aa, Thanks everyone! The feedback is much appreciated! 😀

@evelyn HELLO! I’m kinda in and out, haha. But it’s great to hear from you! <3 How’ve you been?

"Though I'm not yet who I will be, I'm no longer who I was."

[Evelyn]

@the-fledgling-artist Busy and haven’t really touched any writing projects, but good. Just living that adventure called life. (:

How are you?? Are you still at Bible School?

[The Fledgling Artist]

@evelyn Indeed! I have returned. How’s your adventure treating you?

"Though I'm not yet who I will be, I'm no longer who I was."

[Evelyn]

@the-fledgling-artist As well as any adventure can manage. 😉

Actually better than most adventures. I haven’t been captured by orcs yet. Or lost any lambas bread. (though I didn’t have any to start with so that’s not saying much) I haven’t been turned into stone. Or been chased by any sort of witch, got trapped in any other world (beyond the ones I create, and those I am hopelessly tied too) or been kidnapped or ransom or found that a goblin lives in my attic (tho there are dragons in the pipes at my library I am convinced) or realized that I am secretly a superhero or a superhuman or a super-royal person.

But I have been captured by siblings and kidnapped by friends.

And have been chased by people (but not caught yet ha take that sir) Well. That’s a bit exaggerated.

Been roadtripping. Working towards a driver’s license. Competing in debate compeitions. Singing. Dancing down sidewalks with earbuds in not caring about the world. Well. Sorta. 😆

Anyways.

The point is, my adventure is a blast. (:

Writing lately has been a strain. I don’t have time and I feel my writing style has been growing darker and heavier. And I’m not sure what to do with it. 😛

I’m at the point where I’m not chasing any writing stuff, but I’m constantly writing notes and my characters are constantly haunting me wherever I go.  But I’m not complaining about that. I am fond of them and my story is very experimental so it suits it I guess.

How is life for you? How are your projects? (I saw the character you illustrated the other day on the other thread and goodness your style still steals my heart e v e r y t i m e. O.o)

[The Fledgling Artist]

@evelyn 😂
What an excellent adventurer you are, my friend. I’m glad you’ve averted the dangerous and disastrous. Would truly be a shame for you to turn to stone, or dare I say it, find yourself in the presence of an orc. 😋

I think I feel you in regard to your writterly status. I’m not there currently, but I can relate regardless, haha. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a resting season. I hope you find some clarity eventually. Do you feel pressured at all to get back into your previous headspace? Sometimes I feel like my writing voice is too dark as well, just because I tend to latch onto heavier themes/heavier portrayals of emotion. But I’m not sure I could bring myself to tell any other kind of story, honestly. Anything less for me would feel insincere, I suppose. I guess maybe that’s where I go with the issue. How far can I pull back without losing the sincerity.

I’ve been mostly well. The funny thing about adventures is that you don’t usually get to pick the one you end up with.
2020 has been something of a challenge for me so far, but it’s by no means all been bad. I’ve been blessed with much.

Right now I have two projects that I’m seriously working on, though one of them is pretty lowkey and in the background, while the other is more forefront. The project taking up most of my brainspace is a graphic novel project I’m working on with 5 other artists. We’re still working on the first draft of the script, but we hope to get it wrapped up in the next few months. Then we can finally start illustrating it. ☺️☺️ I suspect the project will take up a good two years to finish. It feels like a really long time right now, but I suspect it will go by faster than I could imagine.

The other project is just my own solo story. I want to tell it as a graphic novel as well, though lately, I’ve been toying around with the idea of telling it through prose instead. It’ll probably be a graphic novel because I feel more connected to that medium of story, but who knows, haha. The plot is a wreck right now, but I’m not stressing about figuring it out since I won’t be able to illustrate it for a few years anyways. So I’m just working on that at the pace of my sporadic inspiration. Haha.

"Though I'm not yet who I will be, I'm no longer who I was."

[Evelyn]

@the-fledgling-artist Thank you! *bows* 😉

Do I feel pressured at all to get back into my previous headspace? Not really actually. Which is the surprising part. There have been countless times over the past eight-ish years of writing where I give up in a huff and throw my story across the room and vow never to touch it again… always breaking that after a week and a half or so when I realize, I might hate writing here and there but I hate not writing even more. And cooling off and realizing I can get better if I stick to it and work out problems. But this time it was a more subtle quiet thing and as it stands, the story I have is something different than any other story I’ve written. I have written half a draft, threw that out the window and completely reworked it and finish a complete draft and now I have this feeling that its the story I wouldn’t mind spending years working on, writing, rewriting, rethinking, trashing, brainstorming, refashioning, etc. I’m at the point where I love the story and the characters enough that I don’t give up on them, but I want them to be their best and the book to be paced and woven perfectly. I could see myself continually adding and chipping away and rewriting for the next five years depending on if I go to college. Then just delay those five years until after I graduate and get a 9 to 5 job. Who knows if it would ever get anywhere, but that’s where it’s different than before. I don’t mind much anymore. I have been rewarded so richly from this past year and a half that I have been forming this story, but at this point I’m no longer pretending like I’m not – but truly and secretly on the side – researching and worrying about marketing or publishing or anything of that type. It’s very strange but lovely I think. I’ve always (and when I say always I mean it… like since I was about five) automatically “known” I was going to be an author. I’m not sure where it started, in fact I don’t remember a time I didn’t “know” that. And that has always been the case ever since then until now. A year ago I began questioning that to the very core like I had never before done, and the result is that I realized I’m not sure what I want to be/do anymore. It had been hard having my mind set on writing for a living my entire life because in the growing stage (which hasn’t ended, but I mean the huge growing stage where I was learning to read and write and then began writing little stories) I would keep going back and realizing how bad my stories where, it went to my heart. Ouch. I’m a writer. That’s why I’m here. I’m here for nothing else. My entire life. And now I’m a failure.

That would happen again and again and I would get so depressed and mad and throw the story across the room or rip it or lock it away. But this time it’s different.

I’m definitely out of practice (yes writing is a practice) and a couple weeks ago when I actually had the time to write and the longing, when I sat down I found my mind had fallen back into it’s lazy ways and my fingers were (figuratively and somewhat literally) out of gear and clumsy.  I got nothing and I knew I didn’t have the time to begin working back up to where I could write two to three thousand words every morning before school.

Anyways. All that to say, I don’t feel any pressure for returning. Now I just love it and I don’t think I could ever truly stop.

Yeah. Well. I feel like that was a little of my “writer testimony” haha 😆

Eyyy. I loved that project! 😀 I really hope it’s going well. It looks amazing and every once and a while I get on Instagram and stalk your art profiles to try and find updates.  I bet it’s been amazing and that you have been learning a lot through that! I don’t think I could manage a group project unless it was with the right people. (Been there, tried that. 😛 )

As to your second, that sounds so exciting! I don’t know if you picked up on this, but for the past year or so I’ve developed this love of experimenting with styles and stories and plots and trying to think of new ways to tell them. So I would definitely suggest trying something new and trying a new medium of story.  😉

[The Fledgling Artist]

@evelyn
Hey, that’s good then. I don’t think there’s any reason to force yourself into a season you’re not currently in. I’m glad you feel good about your current state, haha. That’s hard to do sometimes.

It is going well, in a way. It’s funny though because right now I don’t really know if it will ever be finished. Since it’s such a long project, and since there’s so many of us working on it, we’ve found that we need to pull back every so often and reevaluate where we are and what we’re doing with our lives. I think regardless of whether it gets “finished”, at any point from now on, I’ll view it as a success. We’ve each learned so much about art and story, and about working in a creative team.

Yeah, I definitely just wanna do whatever medium is best for whatever story its trying to be. xD (trouble is, idk what that is yet.) I feel like creatively, whilst I technically have projects in the background, I’m kinda in a creative resting period. Like I don’t really have any inspiration or drive to do much. Idk how long i’m staying here, but I think i’m okay with it. Even if I never leave, yk? *shrugging noises*
Just gotta wait and see what happens. c:

"Though I'm not yet who I will be, I'm no longer who I was."

[Evelyn]

@the-fledgling-artist I try. 😛

That sounds like an amazing experience. I totally get the “we need to pull back ever so often and reevaluate where we are and what we’re doing with our lives” thing tho. 😆

Ouch, I get that too. The “creative resting period.”

What is the story about? (if you don’t mind me asking…)

[Author]

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