Critique for my poem “The Sky Realm”

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  • #106316
    Ariella Newheart
    @ariella-newheart

    Greetings, fellow poets and writers! My school is having a poetry competition and I would love to enter a poem I wrote called “The Sky Realm.” If you have a chance, I would greatly appreciate thoughts and critiques. The deadline is in about two weeks. 🙂 Thank you!

    The Sky Realm

    Have you ever mapped the endless sky,
    Or stood upon its clouds?
    Have you seen its gilded realm,
    And measured out its bounds?

    Have you watched its fleet of tow’ring ships
    Surmount the stormy winds?
    These moon-chasers, sun-wakers,
    Are every dreamer’s friend.

    Perhaps the sky-king’s snowy-white hall
    Has captured your delight,
    Where the sunset’s lambent hearth
    Glows red with firelight.

    When the heavens weep for joy and grief,
    Its storerooms overflow
    With the sky-realm’s precious goods
    Of ice and rain and snow.

    The kaleidoscopic arc painted
    In every hue of light,
    Shows the brushstrokes of a king
    That make your dreams take flight.

    No mortal artisan’s crowing work
    Could ever be compared
    To the beauty that our God
    Has painted everywhere.

    @steward-of-the-pen @evelyn @cassie-hartfinh @anyone-else

    Writer, illustrator, Parimi Alcan

    Check out my new blog! https://arbitraryfairy.wordpress.com/

    #106371
    Elisha Starquill
    @elisha-starquill

    @ariella-newheart – I’ve never actually *studied* poetry before, so I won’t be able to give very helpful  critique, but I will say that as a general reader, I absolutely LOVED this poem. The imagery was exquisite, the rhyming and rhythm pleasant, and it overall made me feel as if I was wandering in the skies.

    One little typo: I think you mean ‘crowning’ instead of ‘crowing.’ 😉

    Good luck on the competition!!!

    INFJ ➳ Trinstamentalist ➳ Thalassophile ➳ Chocolate Hater ➳ Daughter of God

    #106417
    Abigail Rebekah
    @abigail-rebekah

      @ariella-newheart

      Just wanted to say…I really love this poem, and especially all the imagery in it 🙂

      Hope the competition goes well xD

      ~ Laugh. Drink Coffee. Smile. And Write ~

      #106675
      Evelyn
      @evelyn

      @ariella-newheart Not to be a broken record with everyone else, but lovely poem! I liked the imagery and the pace. It all works together very well!

      #106710
      Ariella Newheart
      @ariella-newheart

      @elisha-starquill Thank you for pointing out that little typo. That would’ve been embarrassing! xD

      @abigail-rebekah @evelyn Thanks for taking the time to read it. It’s really encouraging to hear that you like it. 🙂

      Writer, illustrator, Parimi Alcan

      Check out my new blog! https://arbitraryfairy.wordpress.com/

      #106743
      Evelyn
      @evelyn

      @ariella-newheart Of course! (:

      #106789
      Old Coot
      @old-coot

        Well done! I can’t suggest any changes that would really improve it.

        (Though I actually like the word ‘crowing’ there, as a reference to the pridefulness we too often indulge.)

        #107143
        Cassie Hartfinh
        @cassie-hartfinh

        @ariella-newheart

        *puffs in on foot, praying it isn’t too late*

        Sorry it’s been so long! Starscream may be hiding from me because I told him he needed a bath, so now I have to get places on foot. Honestly! *huffs*

        But I LOOOOOVE this poem!! Besides that typo that was so helpfully pointed out by someone much more prompt than myself, it was perfect. It took my imagination to new places, and now I yearn to explore the skies. Oh, if only we could all be Winuli!

        Actually, your poem reminds me of a rainbow I saw yesterday. I thought it was kind of fitting. 😉

        Ahyek nahd feltin'or rempak.
        I'm not promising anything.

        #107385
        Ariella Newheart
        @ariella-newheart

        @old-coot

        (Though I actually like the word ‘crowing’ there, as a reference to the pridefulness we too often indulge.)

        That’s a good thought! I experimented with different ways to give it that effect, but eventually decided to leave it the way it was. Thank you for the idea and for taking the time to read my poem!

        @cassie-hartfinh Thank you, Cassie! I love that rainbow!

        Writer, illustrator, Parimi Alcan

        Check out my new blog! https://arbitraryfairy.wordpress.com/

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