February 21, 2019 at 6:59 pm #79457Evelyn@evelyn
@andrew Cool! Thanks for tagging me… I don’t think I responded the first time, sorry about that. I’ve been pretty busy. 😛 But I got time to read part of it and I really want to see such a thing as mechanical ants now. 😀 😀 😀February 21, 2019 at 9:59 pm #79481E.B. Raulands@e-b-raulandsFebruary 22, 2019 at 4:30 pm #79551
@eden-Anderson, thank you!
Uh, perhaps both for people to read and to give feedback (well, only if they want to give feedback – that’s just only if they want to). Sorry I forgot to mention that! 🙁 I should have remembered to say that… but now you know.
Oh, and thank you about the red panda profile picture. His name is Ave. He’s my red panda. 🙂
And that’s okay if you’re busy!
@evelyn, and… that’s okay if you’re busy too. Thanks for reading… and about the metallic ants. 🙂
@e-b-raulands, thank you as well!
"Muhahaha!"- Unknown VillainFebruary 22, 2019 at 5:33 pm #79559
Okay, awesome. And that’s okay…I don’t think anybody minded too much. 🙂
Aw, Ave is adorable! Is he real? I love red pandas, they are so cool.
"But how could you live and have no story to tell?" - Fyodor DostoyevskyFebruary 22, 2019 at 9:16 pm #79578February 22, 2019 at 9:29 pm #79579February 22, 2019 at 11:33 pm #79598ScarletImmortalized@scarletimmortalized
Just now found this (I don’t know where the tag emails have been going)! It’s a cute story, and I’m interested to know more. The Nameless Daughters especially interest me. Also the variety of names. Diego makes me think he’s a Spaniard, while Chloe and Zoe sound more American or British? Dominic sounds French and Allison I’m getting British vibes.
Anyways looking forward to the next bit!
“Scarlet, What are you eating?” ~ “Ghost peppers...” ~ Robin sighed.February 23, 2019 at 11:49 am #79615
@scarletimmortalized: thank you so much!
And thank you about the names too. 🙂
"Muhahaha!"- Unknown VillainFebruary 23, 2019 at 2:42 pm #79651
*salutes* A pleasure to meet you as well, Ave! 😉
That would be so cool if you would write a story about him! You should totally do it.
"But how could you live and have no story to tell?" - Fyodor DostoyevskyFebruary 23, 2019 at 9:22 pm #79739
Ave’s random question – “Can I meet your porcupine also?”
That’s just Ave talking up there. 🙂
"Muhahaha!"- Unknown VillainFebruary 24, 2019 at 3:10 pm #79761
Okay, I got some questions here. (Feedback?) I just thought it might help me write better, so that I can grow in writing.
1. Do you feel like the characters need development (this far into the story, anyway)?
2. Does the writing feel a little wordy at times?
3. Is there anything that seemed a little confusing?
"Muhahaha!"- Unknown VillainFebruary 24, 2019 at 3:11 pm #79762
I’m sure Ferdinand (who is actually a hedgehog, not a porcupine 😛) would love to meet Ave. Just offer him chocolate and he’ll be here in a heart beat. 😉
"But how could you live and have no story to tell?" - Fyodor DostoyevskyFebruary 24, 2019 at 3:50 pm #79766
Ave – “I’ll get Ferdinand some chocolate? Does he have a favorite?”
"Muhahaha!"- Unknown VillainFebruary 24, 2019 at 10:06 pm #79807
Any type of chocolate…milk, dark, caramel…he adores them all. 😉
(Really, though, I should probably leave Ferdinand out of this…this thread is supposed to be about your story, not imaginary pets.😛 Sorry for hijacking your thread. Happy writing!)
"But how could you live and have no story to tell?" - Fyodor DostoyevskyFebruary 24, 2019 at 10:12 pm #79808E.B. Raulands@e-b-raulands
Okay, so I read over the prologue and first two chapters again, and here’s some thoughts I hope will help…
1. I’m actually not sure about this one. Are you concerned that the characters are coming across clearly or that they need to be described more?
2. The description of Miss Lucorrel’s garden has a lot of details but also feels hurried, which makes this section read more like a list of items and therefore seem wordy. There’s also some repeated information (such as the name of the town being repeated at the end of the Prologue and beginning of Chapter 1) as well as some information that isn’t pertinent to the story at the moment (such as Sir Jaden’s introduction) that make some of the passages feel wordy.
3. In Chapter 1, Chloe slams the door in Nicholas’s face, yet he still addresses Allison as if he’s face-to-face with her; is he talking through the door, and if he is, how would Allison or Chloe know whether he’s smirking or not? Also, when Allison gives Chloe the invitation in Chapter 2, Chloe says about Eric, “Oh, him? He’s my friend.” This sounds like an explanation to Allison about who Eric is, yet it also seems like Allison and Dominic already know who Eric is, so why would Chloe say this? Also, later on when Chloe meets Eric, he points to a wooden building that “they” are building yet it appears that only Eric is working on it. Are Chloe and Eric building it together, or are there other workers that aren’t mentioned?
I hope that makes sense; if not, I’ll be happy to elaborate on any of the points if you’d like. 🙂
To the glory of God and for the advancement of His kingdom.
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