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Character description critiques/game

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  • #134487
    Dakota
    @dakota

    @rose-colored-fancy

    Yeah, it’s right in the middle of a chase scene in a fanfiction I’m writing. The POV is actually from “his” perspective.

    Psalm 119:11
    Your word I have hidden in my heart,
    That I might not sin against You.

    #142725
    ScoutFinch190
    @scoutfinch190

    How interesting @dakota! what is your fanfiction about?

     

    Here’s  the first description(s) of my MC’s love interest, it’s a fast-paced scene so I had to scatter her descriptions around a bit. (if you want to read the whole story, I posted it here: Forum – Sci-fi Writers – Story Embers the topic is Sci-Fi short story).

     

    A woman shouted, “Drop your weapon!” As a man stepped from behind the ship and Jake fired. The enforcer fell and others emerged, training their blasters on him. The same clear voice demanded, “Don’t fire again Jake, or we will kill you.” Jake held up his hands, smiling at the woman who had spoken. She stepped forward, her albino face in high definition behind her clear visor.

    Jake laid his gun between his feet, he smiled, “Missed me?”

    Marian’s nostrils flared as she kicked away his weapon, “You’re under arrest.” She took out her handcuffs, “You should know better than to fight.”

    Jake smirked, “I never do.” he kicked her with his metal leg.

    Marian flew back farther than expected. As she landed, she somersaulted and righted herself in one fluid motion, “Bad move.”

    He agreed under most circumstances. But he’d had time to dive for his gun and shoot at one of the enforcers as they readied their blasters, but Marian hit Jake’s bionic leg.

    He clenched his teeth as he fell and the electricity paralyzed him. He felt his heart pound as the other soldiers aimed, preparing to kill. Why was Marian such a good shot? A man stepped forward and kicked Jake onto his stomach, pressed his foot on his back, and poised his blaster centimeters from Jake’s head. He should’ve tried to shoot Marian instead of the soldier, but he could never bring himself to do that… and neither could she.

    Jake looked over his shoulder at Marian’s steely purple eyes as she approached, trembling as adrenaline pumped through him and the clenching of his muscles ebbed away… she might just let him die even if her feelings rebelled. Or the enforcer would disobey her… if he didn’t give the fool an abrupt reminder that this wasn’t standard gravity.

     

    and from another part of the narrative:

    Marian’s sharp features relaxed, her eyes warming from their usual knifelike gaze. “I can’t make promises for the safety of criminals, but I do what I can for innocents.”

    and another part:

    Jake grabbed his gun and struggled to his feet. It was Marian, her albino face highlighted by growing purple shadows. She stepped nearer. Jake pointed his pistol at her. Marian coolly aimed her blaster back at him. The end of Jake’s gun quivered, and he clutched it with both hands. “Go away – or… a-and I won’t kill you yet.”

     

     

    We crazy people are the normal ones.

    #142728
    ScoutFinch190
    @scoutfinch190

    Also, (if it works) here’s a picture of what Marian kinda looks like (her hair’s more of a bob though)

    We crazy people are the normal ones.

    #142741
    Dakota
    @dakota

    @scoutfinch190 It’s actually an Adventures in Odyssey fanfiction. It’s a radio drama my family listens to.

    Psalm 119:11
    Your word I have hidden in my heart,
    That I might not sin against You.

    #142832
    ScoutFinch190
    @scoutfinch190

    Cool!

    I haven’t listened to Adventures in Odyssey for years. What is your Fanfiction about?

    We crazy people are the normal ones.

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