Azeline's Poetry in Need of Critique

Forums Poetry Poetry Discussions Azeline's Poetry in Need of Critique

This topic contains 8 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Emma Starr 1 week ago.

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  • #95427

    Digital dAze
    @azeline-d

    Hey! I have a couple of free verse (?) (I don’t know if most of them would be considered free verse) poems I’d like to have critiqued, and I’ll be posting more on this topic as they come along. If anyone can help or give their feedback on my poems, that would be much appreciated!

    I don’t know too many people on SE, and I don’t know many people here who do poetry except for maybe one or two people; so I’ll just tag them here and also some others that I know from my guild. But if you know anyone else whom you think can help, feel free to tag them too. Thanks!

    @ariella-newheart @steward-of-the-pen @silverclaw-bonnetfolly @obrian-of-the-surface-world @elisha-starquill @evelyn

    Here’s the first poem I need help critiquing:

    “To Those Who Want But Never Give”

    To be known,
    To be loved,
    To be understood in life
    Are a few of very many
    That all humans much desire.
    But to give,
    If only that we did,
    Then maybe we
    Would start to receive
    What that we crave so desperately.

     

    Here’s another one:

    “Self-consciousness”

    Self-consciousness—
    That which rips you from the world
    And draws you into your dark hole
    Which causes you in fear to decay
    While the world around you flies past and fades
    Which keeps you from caring outwardly
    Since too occupied you are with “me”
    Which causes you to miss out
    On love you are too blind to see.

     

    I’ll post some more later after I get some critique for these poms first.

    INFP • digital artist • loves history, philosophy, & language (especially JP/KR/CN) • loves God

    #95452

    Emberynus The Dragonslayer
    @emberynus-the-dragonslayer

    @azeline-d These are really cool! LOL I always loved not having to make things rhyme 😆

    You can't live for long living for nothing-Hector Griffin

    #95528

    Banana Peacock Warrior
    @banana-peacock-warrior

      Hi, @azeline-d! I’ll admit that I don’t specialize in free-verse, but I think that these are really good! I especially liked Self-Consciousness in how true it really is! I liked this verse…

      Which keeps you from caring outwardly
      Since too occupied you are with “me”

      I don’t know about you, but I know that whenever I ask for critiques and actually only get compliments it drives me totally insane- so I’ll add a little thing in here… 😊 Again, not a free-verse poet, but some of the wording in a few of the verses seemed a little bit confusing; primarily the last verse in the 1st poem and the 7th in the 2nd. 😉

      But anyway, I like them! They’re so true.

      “When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.”
      ‭‭Psalm‬ ‭94:19‬ ‭

      #95629

      Candide
      @candide

      Hello, Digital Daze

      About “To Those Who Want But never Give”, I would like to say that the topic is very good!. The beginig with tree verses with the same structure works very well. I just would try to write with less rimes in the second part of the poem (in the first part there was live/desire well done).

      About ““Self-consciousness” I would not change anything.

      #95914

      Silverclaw
      @silverclaw-bonnetfolly

      It’s probably me not being very familiar with free verse poetry, but the fourth line in “To Those Who Want But Never Give” sounds a little weird to me. They are a few of very many what? Again it’s probably just me.

      Nola? AZELINE!!! For ChristWard!

      #95935

      William Norfleet
      @w-o-holmes

      Hello, @azeline-d. I am new here and write poetry as a starter. So I will firstly be critiquing and complimenting your work. (Not like I’m not, ’cause I’m on here.)

      On the whole, your first poem was very well done and I definitely liked it. One note though would be your last three lines; to some people, they may seem somewhat difficult to read – difficult to understand their rhythm. (I thought they fit very well with the poem and closed it off with finality, but that’s just me.) Your meaning was well processed and I thought the idea you were presenting went well with the way you wrote it. To me, reading it, it was sort of like drifting. Almost like that published work on the Blog titled Lost Thoughts. I used to not be able to pick up any kind of rhythm with these kind of poems, but now, for some reason, I get them. I like your form.

      With your second poem, I must also compliment you for here the idea you are presenting goes well with the form and style. The fifth line may need revising for it seemed drawn-out from the rest of the poem and almost gave cause for another breath. It also sort of paralleled the teenager of today. That is, on that topic. Teenagers are usually always self-conscious of their looks and what other people think of them. I’m one to know because I’m a teenager too, savvy? (This was not meant to be a comment addressing teenagers to say that they’re weird or anything.)

      A tip I would add for any writer/author would be to read of a form of poetry or prose that you wish to write like. It may help to get your mind in the game with your selection of writings.

      @silverclaw-bonnetfolly – I understand where you’re coming from here. That line may just be a representation of a typical habit poets tend to fall into. You know, when they’re talking of something but haven’t fully said what it is that they are talking about yet. I do that a lot…it also corresponds with the unidentified form that the poem takes on. So how even in free-verse or blank verse, they’ve got to follow the regulations of that form. As well as the flow…but you all probably know that.

      Hope you’re feeling well @banana-peacock-warrior! (Nice name. You like bananas and peacocks?)

      With your wording – it went sort of like the way I tend to lean towards when writing my own poetry. In the way that its diversity extended the meaning to the extent that the reader/audience would have to stretch their minds to comprehend it. I love that kind of wording.

      By the way, how do you guys add tags on your things?

      "Eistret an guol nuurdor ank dohk remna lathlrao."- Uondon of Andim

      #95936

      William Norfleet
      @w-o-holmes

      Never mind about that last question. I just found out.

      "Eistret an guol nuurdor ank dohk remna lathlrao."- Uondon of Andim

      #96844

      Banana Peacock Warrior
      @banana-peacock-warrior

        @w-o-holmes: LOL not really… I like peacocks, but not ecstatic about them, and the same with bananas. I got stuck with the nickname in dance class about 4 years ago. It’s a long story. 😉

        “When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.”
        ‭‭Psalm‬ ‭94:19‬ ‭

        #96859

        Emma Starr
        @emma-starr

        @azeline-d I really liked your poems’ themes! Overall, you had vivid word choices which I appreciate. The second poem had great imagery–especially the first three lines.

        In a few places, something that would help us as readers would be changing the word order or playing around with word choice. I’m the thinking of “Are a few of very many/That all humans much desire,” and “Which causes you in fear to decay.” In those lines, I felt that you could make your meaning clearer to make it more poignant, improving the lovely rhythm you started out with.

        And as a general note, I try to keep adverbs out of my poetry as much as possible, and avoid using the word “very.” (Because of the word count, I find it better to be as concise as possible).  I’m not saying to cut all adverbs and verys out, but just keep it in mind.

        I love these poems–you’re a natural poet! Keep up the awesome work. 🙂

        Spreading God's love until I can see seven billion smiles. 🙂 https://sevenbillionsmiles.home.blog

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