April 29, 2019 at 4:20 pm #88104
ACK. I totally forgot to post a snippet last week!!
Here’s another one, it’s shortly after the last one.
So nothing I’m looking for in particular to be critiqued here, just stuff in general. (although am I still using too many italics?)
I went over and sat down, staring at the flames. Kor and Jaren were on the other side, laughing about something. I sighed. I didn’t see how they could be so happy with all that been happening. I missed my friend, Marasiah, and my parents. I wished that somehow everything could just go back to normal. It was hard to believe that just two weeks ago my life was fine. Two weeks ago I was just an ordinary girl with an ordinary life. I’d been talking with Marasiah when the “news” came. The news that had changed my life. I kept gazing at the fire, mesmerized by the dancing flames, as I recalled what had started this whole mess. It had begun back when me and Marasiah were holed up in my room, hiding from Korzen. We were talking about pretty random stuff, when she said the most surprising thing I’d ever heard.
“Your brother’s kinda sweet ya know.”
I just stared at her. “What??”
She stared back. “You heard me.” I was astonished. I’d never thought I’d hear anyone say that to me in a million years, much less my best friend. She laughed at the look on my face.
“Don’t worry. I don’t like him or anything. But he is sweet. And funny,” she mused.
I finally found my tongue again. “Are you serious? My brother?? Korzen Evermore? Are we even talking about the same person here? His antics are most definitely not funny. How in all of Ash could you think that he’s actua-” I was interrupted by a knock on my door. It was my aforementioned twin.
“Hey, Eiri?” he said, poking his head in through the door. I sighed in relief, thankful for the distraction from the awkward conversation.
“Mom wants to see you. Both of you,” he quickly added. I looked at Mara. Mom wanted to see both of us. That by itself was an interesting development, but sending Korzen to come get us probably meant that mom wanted him too. I nodded and we got up from where we’d been sitting on my bed. The three of us went downstairs and my eyes widened. Jaren was waiting for us too. This was definitely going to be interesting. Then I saw mom. I stopped in my tracks. She looked tired, sad, and… extremely worried. Mom was always upbeat and happy, much like Kor. To see her looking like this was… a surprise to say the least.
She saw my expression and gave me a weak smile. “Eirivia, I’m fine. Everyone have a seat.” We all filed into the dining room and everyone except mom sat down. She took a deep breath and started speaking,
“Children. I have some grave news.” She looked at me and Kor sadly. “You’re going to have to leave. The war is coming closer.” Everyone was shocked. I didn’t know what I’d been expecting, but it certainly wasn’t this. I spoke up,
“I thought the war was only rumors, tall tales. And now you’re telling us that it’s actually happening?” My voice rose a little on the last word. Everyone turned toward my mother, completely silent, waiting to see what she would say. The tension in the room was nearly unbearable. I knew what I was hoping mom would say. That it was a joke. A trick, like one of Kor’s pranks. But I knew better, everything she’d said was the truth, even if I wanted to believe it wasn’t.
Mom drew in another breath, I could tell this was hard for her. “The war is real. I-I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. Langor and I… we wanted to protect you. To hide the truth, so that you might… you might have a normal life. And it worked. Until now.”
Langor was my father’s name. I wondered where he was. Knowing dad like I did, I knew he’d have wanted to be here to help tell us. Unless… I gasped in shock. Dad’s job was being a peace coordinator. The war must’ve been even closer than mom was letting on.
"You can dance with my henchman."May 3, 2019 at 12:57 pm #88439Caleb E. King@caleb-e-kingMay 3, 2019 at 6:00 pm #88477May 4, 2019 at 11:09 am #88563The Fledgling Artist@the-fledgling-artist
Great work Kari!! I really like how Eirva is so blind so Korzen’s amazing sweetness, ’cause I know from experience that siblings tend to see the worst in each other rather than the best. I think Eirva and Korzen’s relationship feels very natural so far. *thumbs up*
As always here are some thoughts you are welcome to ignore. *swishes cape to reveal all the things*
I would personally avoid vague action/descriptions unless it’s a conscious decision. Like instead of saying “I went over” maybe be more clear about what you want me to be seeing in my head. Like is she walking? skipping? rolling? Etc. etc.
Also, while this segment was enjoyable to read, I’m wondering if it’s even necessary. I think flashback type scenes tend to slow things down in a way that usually hurts the story as a whole. And I’m not sure that I even got anything from it that is crucial or new information that I, as the reader need to make sense of what is happening. I gather that, 1. Eiriva is still trying to process this major change to her life, 2. I get to learn about what her life might have been like before she had to leave, and 3. I get to see some interaction with her mom.
I think the mom interaction was the only new information I soaked in though. I could already tell this is a shock to Eirva, and I think you’ve already dropped some hints about her previous life, and could easily continue to do so without a flashback.
I dunno what you’re planning, but if Korzen and Eiriva ever get reunited with their mom, I think that reunion would actually be more interesting/engaging without this foreknowledge about who she is.
Hmm… I think that’s all!
As always, great work! I’ll look forward to the next part! ^-^
"Though I'm not yet who I will be, I'm no longer who I was."May 4, 2019 at 1:19 pm #88573
Hm, okay, I can already think of places where I’ve done that. Thanks for pointing that out!
Och, also a good point. *taps chin thoughtfully* Interesting.
As of right now, I have no plans for them to meet their mother in this book.
"You can dance with my henchman."
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